Just needing some advice

[griz]

DD18 has been making some major strides, however we seem to have developed something not so new but intensifying.  DD has always been weight conscious. She was not a heavy child, she had a little chubby belly but as she tells me know she has always thought she was fat.  When things were bad and she was on meds she gained over 50lbs.  She was more than miserable.  Once she stopped the meds almost a year ago she slowly lost all of the weight and then some.  She is quite thin now.  Not dangerously thin but she is obsessed with her food intake to the point that she restricts herself from eating and will get upset when she does eat.  She tells me she still sees herself as fat.  She has gone for many months now without any SI however this morning she was very upset because last night she and her friends went out and she ate alot of food.  She came down this morning in a very foul mood and finally she told me she was in a bad mood because she ate so much food.  I suggested that we go running together and she said ok.  She went up to change, which took longer than usual, and I immediately noticed when she came down ready to go that she was wearing a whole bunch of bracelets.  I didn't say anything because I knew that she had cut.  We went out running and did a bunch of errands today and had a fine day.  When we came home she did some school work and then I heard her in the kitchen.  Oh course she had not eaten anything all day so she was starving.  She started with a very healthy salad that I had made and then picked at a bunch of other things.  The next thing I knew she was crying.  Telling me that she is so afraid of being fat again. Doesn't want to live in our house anymore because there is always food around and hates feeling this way.  I suggested that maybe she could think about going to a nurtritionist who could help her keep her weight where she feels comfortable but in a healthy way. 

She got a little nasty at first but I just pulled back and said, "what can I do to help".  She told me nothing.  I asked her if it would help if I tried to find a nutritionist and she said yes.  The next thing I knew she was putting on her running sneakers to go out running again.  I really am not sure where to go with this. I think she has an eating issue or disorder.  Is this part of BPD?  Any suggestions?

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[six]

not sure if this is related to BPD or not.

but it definitely sounds like she might have some kind of an eating problem

and, in general, I think that addictions are associated with BPD

have you ever heard about Overeaters anonymous?

it is for people with all different kinds of eating issues

it is a very warm supportive atmosphere that she might appreciate

there are free meetings everywhere, and also online or on the phone

good luck

[Reality]

griz,

I remember reading somewhere or another that pwBPD often have eating issues, maybe picky eaters or wanting to eat the same thing day-in, day-out and then wanting to eat only another set of foods for another length of time.  I think they do this as it keeps them from being overwhelmed with too many choices and stimulation.  

I have mentioned the following idea before and no-one thought it was an interesting idea, but here goes again... . Weight Watchers is very sound nutritionally and psychologically.  Plus the person tracks their food daily to make sure they are getting enough protein, fat, calcium, carbs etc, but not over-eating.  If the leader is good, it can be a very supportive group... .  As you know, I am very sensitive and if I don't eat the required calcium every day, I can tell within hours.  Calcium is calming, hence milk and banana at night for a good sleep.  Or yogurt with honey to some other sweetness... . anyways, back to WW... . lots of nutritional information... .

Does your daughter find she eats unconsciously when she is with other people?  I think many of us are like that.  Maybe that is why the monks ate in silence... . to be more conscious of what they are eating... .

I think pwBPD and HSP need to figure out the right eating and nutrition for their bodies.  You know, a nutritionist might be a good idea... .

Aren't most people self-conscious about their weight?  

Is your daughter naturally less trim than other members of your family?

When she gained weight before, I remember how much your daughter was suffering... . eating too much might trigger that traumatic time... .

What do you think?

Reality

[jellibeans]

Griz

My dd is concerned about her weight... . she has never been heavy and is a little under weight. The way I deal with it is that I ignore it but it seems like your dd is really upset about food. She even feels bad about eating... . I am not sure there is anything you can do but is she seeing a T? I do think that eating disorders are a part of BPD. My dd seem to go in cycles... . right now she seems to be sick again. Sore throat not feeling well. Is your dd like that? Going from one thing to another? cutting... . running away... . raging?

I have tried not to focus on my dd eating habits... . and I think it is a bit of a control issue... . do you think it is a control issue with your dd? This behavior is a symptom of something else? I wish I had some advise for you... . it must be hard to see your dd so upset about eating.  

[vivekananda]

I like Reality's idea of weight watchers because I believe they teach good eating habits. It's more relaxed than a 'nutritionist' I think.

It could be an anxiety thing with her, it which case, going off to weight watchers is a good way to relieve that anxiety. It also provides a validating social context.

take care Griz,

Vivek    

[deadradiance]

Sounds like you did everything right griz.  You offered constructive help without being pushy or intrusive.  A balanced positive approach.

[deadradiance]

I read some of the other responses.  I honestly think you handled it perfectly and don't need to do anything more.  Its important not to get too in her face about it.  Bringing up other diet programs or talking too much about it will most likely make her feel worse (and clearly she doesn't need that).  It could also push her to focus on her unhappiness and weight more.  Make a positive suggestion ONCE and then wait for her to broach the topic herself.  Additional input from you could be unwittingly coercive and would quite naturally spark some resentment.  Your original approach was good.  Nothing more is needed.

[Reality]

griz,

I had had a gin and tonic at the cottage whilst writing the last post.  Obviously, if your daughter isn't overweight, she can't do WW anyways, I don't think.  Too bad, as the nutrition info is excellent.  Plus the group meeting is very affirming.  I think the WW meetings are very DBTish... .

I do not work for WW... . btw... .

I just think nutrition is so important for people.  All my HSP friends eat very carefully... . very carefully, every day... . it makes a significant difference to their moods... .

Reality

[griz]

Thank you all so much.  I like all of the suggestions.  I am going to contact weight watchers today because I love the idea of healthy eating.  My dh used weight watchers some years ago and lost 40lbs.  Once he went off WW he started to gain it back, I think the support of the group and meetings really helped him.  He has been talking about going back. Maybe this is something I could suggest they do together. 

Reality:  my older daughter and I are more trim by nature than DD.  It is just our body types.  We both are just smaller framed people.  I remember once telling her P that when she was struggling with her weight she would last out at me saying things "like how could you ever understand".  He told me that he sees this often in teenage girls especially when the mom tends to be small and thin.  I do think you are right that eating is a trigger for her.

jellibeans:  Yes I think you are right there is definitely a control issue here.  She seems to find a great deal of satisfaction in being able to control how much she eats.  I mentioned to her that she might want to tallk about this with her T. 

Griz

[Reality]

Another thought... . many pwBPD are very artistic... . also meaning that they are visually sensitive... . it makes sense that they would be more aware of how they look... . in a way, their bodies are canvases to them... . they are also actors and they need their props... . whatever that means to them... .

This isn't necessarily pathological... . more an essence, to be treasured... .

Reality

[griz]

Reality:

Can i keep you in my pocket so you can forever supply me with Ah Ha moments 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I have read the "Rachel: get me out of here" book. And yes, she and other pwBPD have eating issues. She was anorexic and exercised obsessively and restricted her diet and weighed herself all the time.

However, her Pdoc said it was just a symptom of other issues and that it would go away on its own as she worked through those issues in therapy. And it has -for her.

It is not the occasional binge that gets us overweight, it is the consistent extra amount of calories day in and day out.

I know - your dd probably can't hear that right now, but there may be a time in the future, she will be able to hear that and not feel guilty for the occasional splurge.

Just a nutritional hint - processed food has a lot of added sugar - makes us more hungry and craving more food. Fat has extra calories, but also makes us feel satisfied and not hungry for longer. Low-fat or no-fat foods often add sugar instead making it a double whammy - no long-term satisfaction plus the sugar that makes you more hungry later (not to even speak of the effects on our blood sugars)... .

Keep up the good fight. cheering for you,

PessiO

[griz]

So yesterday DD had therapy.  On the way there she got a little upset in the car telling me that she realizes that she has an issue with her eating and weight.  I stayed quiet and let her talk.  She told me that she lives in constant fear that she will gain all the weight back that she lost.  She never wants to go back there again.  She talked about how she felt about herself and people making fun of her.  She told me that she hates this, not eating for long periods of time and then bingeing when she gets so hungry. She told me this, " I just want to get to a place where I can eat and still be thin.  I want to be able to eat without worrying all the time and not binge and then be angry at myself".  I told her she should discuss this with her T and see if she had some ideas.  When she came out she told me that her T suggested a nutritionist that has dealt with eating disorders.  That a person like this would understand and help her.  So today my plan is to do some research and find a person to go to.

I guess it's a good thing that she is talking about it.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

It is a very good thing she is expressing her fears verbally! 

[vivekananda]

It sounds good Griz.

You know some people think I obsess about my weight. It makes such a difference to how I feel. I would weigh myself daily. I am always conscious of what I eat. If I wasn't, I would just gain (as I have in the past) and feel yuck. For my friends this an issue for them, because if I feel yuck I verbalise it in terms of 'I can't wait to lose a kilo' etc. They look at me and say 'but you're skinny'. Now, I don't have an eating disorder, but I do have to watch myself closely to control my desire to overindulge in poor dietary habits and then it's 'kilo creep'. Point is, perhaps for some of us, this is a mild anxiety that we can control, if we have a sense of control over what and how we eat. Perhaps for the lucky others, they don't have to worry about what they eat.

As a young woman, perhaps your dd is also coming to grips with learning about what are the best dietary habits for her... . I think a nutritionist could be good 

Vivek