Finding NC initiated by BPDexgf very painful

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Fellow sufferers

First of all, thanks very much for the initial support given when I first posted as a new member. Still finding things very painful after 3 months of NC initiated by BPDexgf.

Bit of background first:

25 year age difference (me 65, her 40), known her as a friend since 2002, was fixing something in her house in October 2010, phoned me one night to declare her love which I did not at first believe possible (single for most of last 40 years after a bad breakup in 1971). Relationship almost immediately intimate, then 4 months of what felt like being tested for trustworthiness (no intimacy), then 5 months of great physical intimacy the last 2 of which she was living with me. Then she complained of not feeling too good one day (there were medication changes at about the same time) and was admitted voluntarily to hospital after consultation with psychiatrist. Texted me soon after admission asking me to stop texting her. Tried to commit suicide in hospital but prevented by staff, then absconded and took very nearly fatal overdose at her own home. After three days in intensive care, readmitted to psychiatric ward, absconded and came to my house. Eventually negotiated that she could stay at her home and be visited there by psychiatric nurses. I visited her regularly over the next 4 months during which there was plenty of affection but no intimacy. She was concerned towards the end of this period that I had not cleared a room for her private use in my home (which is very cluttered, I've probably got Compulsive Hoarding Disorder in terms of DSM-5!) and became increasingly convinced I was being unfaithful. To be fair to myself, I don't drive and had to use public transport to visit her, while leaving my dog elswhere, taking up about 3 hours a day in travelling and needing the time alone with my dog on the days I didn't see my gf, just to relax from the intensity of the relationship. Even those days 'alone' were punctuated by numerous texts and phone calls. Needless to say, I could not have found the time to be involved with anybody else.

She then phoned me in March 2012, clearly in what psychiatrists would call a paranoid state (doubted I was where I said I was, or doing what I said I was doing) to claim that I didn't "love her at all". The only diagnosis she had at this stage was Bipolar type 2, and neither of us knew anything about BPD. Instead of saying something like "I can't talk to you when you're like this" and offering to phone her back in a couple of hours I defended myself, got on a bus and went straight over her house to make a complete idiot of myself. She later wrote me a letter saying she still loved me but couldn't trust me.

At her very insistent request, we remained friends and I continued visiting her to help her with work on her own house for the next year, during which she became increasingly depressed, paranoid and psychotic (hearing voices). Only towards the end of this period did her behaviour towards me become really unpleasant, lots of devaluation, projection, gaslighting, magical thinking, hyper-critical of everything I tried to do to help, all the things that people on these boards have suffered. I think I handled most of it fairly well, managing to avoid invalidating responses most of the time without knowing about either BPD or SET techniques. But it did take its toll on my self esteem and I'm sure this showed. We didn't communicate much over Christmas and New Year 2012/2013, and I was very surprised to start getting calls from her again from early January onwards, sometimes several times a day and at length. All these communications were initiated by her. Her diagnosis was changed to include BPD in March this year. By now her social anxiety was so extreme or the voices she heard prevented her leaving the house and I had to visit her and get money out the ATM for her on more than one occasion at quite short notice.

Last saw her at the end of March this year, when she was very cold towards me and stated "You don't know me at all", but insisted that she did not think I was trying to control or manipulate her, although this had been a constant theme over much of the whole previous year.

Since then, I've heard nothing further directly. I think she has started a new relationship with someone she has met online and moved in with them about 2 weeks ago. I don't know who it is or where she's staying. I am very worried about her but have resisted the very strong urge to try and contact her as the NC which has arisen happened very gently and without any anger that I know about. I am lucky I have a dog to walk, as that and not contacting my BPDexgf are probably the only things I'm doing right. I'm eating alright, have some difficulty sleeping and cannot easily concentrate on much apart from escapist reading (don't watch TV). Obviously I can't help feeling guilty for losing what seemed like the love of my life through not being able to clean my own house up and I cannot now find any motivation to do any of that or much else. I am constantly wracked with 'what if' type thoughts and obsessive analysis of things said and done over the course of the relationship. It scares me when I see that many people here take two years or more to recover from this kind of depression. I have a therapist who is familiar with BPD (sufferers & nons) and am very dependent on weekly meetings with her to achieve what seems like no more than avoiding going further downhill. Therapist seems to think I did well to keep relationship going for so long with no correct diagnosis at the time and has suggested that breakup might possibly have been either because I was getting too emotionally intimate or she wanted to avoid hurting me more.

The loneliness, despair, feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, intense irritation, restlessness and boredom are really getting to me. I quite often have suicidal thoughts but am very unlikely to act on them as I have a cat and dog who depend on me. I realise walking my dog is good for me but I can't do that all day!

I should make clear that I do not blame any of what has happened on her, but on her illness and I really don't like some of the bitterness or even ideas of revenge I occasionally see expressed here. I am well aware that my BPDexgf is unlikely without treatment to develop adult emotional intimacy with any partner. Don't even feel jealous of her new bf so much as worried about what might happen if he doesn't treat her right as her depressions after breakups seem to be getting worse from what she's told me and I've seen (I occasionally met her last bf before me when I was repairing her computer and heard and saw a bit of the efect of that breakup).

Genievre

[Genievre]

Fellow sufferers

First of all, thanks very much for the initial support given when I first posted as a new member. Still finding things very painful after 3 months of NC initiated by BPDexgf.

Bit of background first:

25 year age difference (me 65, her 40), known her as a friend since 2002, was fixing something in her house in October 2010, phoned me one night to declare her love which I did not at first believe possible (single for most of last 40 years after a bad breakup in 1971). Relationship almost immediately intimate, then 4 months of what felt like being tested for trustworthiness (no intimacy), then 5 months of great physical intimacy the last 2 of which she was living with me. Then she complained of not feeling too good one day (there were medication changes at about the same time) and was admitted voluntarily to hospital after consultation with psychiatrist. Texted me soon after admission asking me to stop texting her. Tried to commit suicide in hospital but prevented by staff, then absconded and took very nearly fatal overdose at her own home. After three days in intensive care, readmitted to psychiatric ward, absconded and came to my house. Eventually negotiated that she could stay at her home and be visited there by psychiatric nurses. I visited her regularly over the next 4 months during which there was plenty of affection but no intimacy. She was concerned towards the end of this period that I had not cleared a room for her private use in my home (which is very cluttered, I've probably got Compulsive Hoarding Disorder in terms of DSM-5!) and became increasingly convinced I was being unfaithful. To be fair to myself, I don't drive and had to use public transport to visit her, while leaving my dog elswhere, taking up about 3 hours a day in travelling and needing the time alone with my dog on the days I didn't see my gf, just to relax from the intensity of the relationship. Even those days 'alone' were punctuated by numerous texts and phone calls. Needless to say, I could not have found the time to be involved with anybody else.

She then phoned me in March 2012, clearly in what psychiatrists would call a paranoid state (doubted I was where I said I was, or doing what I said I was doing) to claim that I didn't "love her at all". The only diagnosis she had at this stage was Bipolar type 2, and neither of us knew anything about BPD. Instead of saying something like "I can't talk to you when you're like this" and offering to phone her back in a couple of hours I defended myself, got on a bus and went straight over her house to make a complete idiot of myself. She later wrote me a letter saying she still loved me but couldn't trust me.

At her very insistent request, we remained friends and I continued visiting her to help her with work on her own house for the next year, during which she became increasingly depressed, paranoid and psychotic (hearing voices). Only towards the end of this period did her behaviour towards me become really unpleasant, lots of devaluation, projection, gaslighting, magical thinking, hyper-critical of everything I tried to do to help, all the things that people on these boards have suffered. I think I handled most of it fairly well, managing to avoid invalidating responses most of the time without knowing about either BPD or SET techniques. But it did take its toll on my self esteem and I'm sure this showed. We didn't communicate much over Christmas and New Year 2012/2013, and I was very surprised to start getting calls from her again from early January onwards, sometimes several times a day and at length. All these communications were initiated by her. Her diagnosis was changed to include BPD in March this year. By now her social anxiety was so extreme or the voices she heard prevented her leaving the house and I had to visit her and get money out the ATM for her on more than one occasion at quite short notice.

Last saw her at the end of March this year, when she was very cold towards me and stated "You don't know me at all", but insisted that she did not think I was trying to control or manipulate her, although this had been a constant theme over much of the whole previous year.

Since then, I've heard nothing further directly. I think she has started a new relationship with someone she has met online and moved in with them about 2 weeks ago. I don't know who it is or where she's staying. I am very worried about her but have resisted the very strong urge to try and contact her as the NC which has arisen happened very gently and without any anger that I know about. I am lucky I have a dog to walk, as that and not contacting my BPDexgf are probably the only things I'm doing right. I'm eating alright, have some difficulty sleeping and cannot easily concentrate on much apart from escapist reading (don't watch TV). Obviously I can't help feeling guilty for losing what seemed like the love of my life through not being able to clean my own house up and I cannot now find any motivation to do any of that or much else. I am constantly wracked with 'what if' type thoughts and obsessive analysis of things said and done over the course of the relationship. It scares me when I see that many people here take two years or more to recover from this kind of depression. I have a therapist who is familiar with BPD (sufferers & nons) and am very dependent on weekly meetings with her to achieve what seems like no more than avoiding going further downhill. Therapist seems to think I did well to keep relationship going for so long with no correct diagnosis at the time and has suggested that breakup might possibly have been either because I was getting too emotionally intimate or she wanted to avoid hurting me more.

The loneliness, despair, feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, intense irritation, restlessness and boredom are really getting to me. I quite often have suicidal thoughts but am very unlikely to act on them as I have a cat and dog who depend on me. I realise walking my dog is good for me but I can't do that all day!

I should make clear that I do not blame any of what has happened on her, but on her illness and I really don't like some of the bitterness or even ideas of revenge I occasionally see expressed here. I am well aware that my BPDexgf is unlikely without treatment to develop adult emotional intimacy with any partner. Don't even feel jealous of her new bf so much as worried about what might happen if he doesn't treat her right as her depressions after breakups seem to be getting worse from what she's told me and I've seen (I occasionally met her last bf before me when I was repairing her computer and heard and saw a bit of the efect of that breakup).

Genievre

[GlennT]

Hello and Welcome; I would like to share this post with you, and  bpdfamily.com family. It was given to me today, by a therapist with many years experience:

Sometimes we have questions we would like answered. Sometimes we think those answers will help us put all the pieces of the puzzle in place. Sometimes we think this is what we need for closure.

Yet, sometimes, either by design or by circumstance the answers are not available to us. Sometimes, we have to trust the Universe is protecting us, knowing that the answers will not bring us the peace we seek.

Sometimes, we have to trust that the ultimate gift of the Universe is not answers. The ultimate gift is creating circumstances which lead us to, and give us back to ourselves. It is this gift that puts us back on the path we were meant to walk.

Here, there are no questions, no need for answers. Here, there is just knowing and being. Here is peace. Here, are those who were meant to walk beside you.

[Genievre]

Thanks, GlennT. I'll keep trying for a life without answers ... .

Genievre

[Genievre]

I was beginning to think my symptoms were a bit like PTSD and I'll ask my therapist if she has any troops returning from Afghanistan among her clients. She may well do as I live in a city where many young guys get recruited into the Army. I'll see what she has to say about the techniques you mention.

Thanks for the reassurance that I'll get past this. I'm only at 105 days of no contact, and I'd have to say that there are still some days I seem to be going backwards. Don't think I'm yet anywhere near accepting the situation emotionally, although I obviously have rationally. I keep worrying that, while my life may be hell right now and I may slowly learn how to get out of this, hers is worse than this nearly ALL the time and without therapy she's unlikely to improve. Forgiveness is therefore easy for me. I blame most of it on the illness, but have to blame myself to some extent as she had no accurate diagnosis during the relationship, so I eneded up 'enabling' temper tantrums, paranoid ideation, screaming, circular arguments, projection, objectification, dissociation, etc., etc. as I had no idea what lay behind these behaviours or that there were tools I could have used to cope better.

Been looking at your other posts too, to snappafcw and Sockmonkey. Greatly appreciate the analysis of why what we've been through is so traumatic and how the trauma bond may be stronger than parent/child. Very relevant example of the repeated 'subtle' emotional push/pull of sudden ":)on't touch me!" as I got a lot of this. I'll try and get rid of visible triggers but it will be quite a task as she gave me lots and lots of gifts, some of which are quite large and they're scattered all over the house. I even get triggered when out walking the dog by remembering particular phone calls I received at particular places.

I was very active in voluntary community groups before the relationship but couldn't go back to that as it was very hard work and I think I was being a bit 'used' by people to futher their own ends rather than those of the wider community. I have a pattern of helping other people with their problems, which is probably how I came to be identified as the 'rescuer' type, but I've come to realise that I've probably been doing this for decades so as to avoid deciding what to do about myself and my own cirumstances. I've no better idea now what's best for me but at least the breakup has forced me to start thinking about it. To that extent, I can see that it's a gift. I should be clearing and decorating my house, but can't get motivated and this will also trigger emotional responses as it was something my gf and I had started to do together. What a tangled mess!

Just out of interest, do you see yourself as ever likely to be in another relationship after such an experience? I just can't imagine ever being able to trust anyone enough and there'd also be the problem of having to explain that I was still in love with somebody else, or a version of somebody else who may no longer exist.

Genievre