continue being nice or not?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm so over the tantrums by my BPD bf. He always tries to turn things back to me somehow being the cause of his feeling disrespected and using that to justify his "attitude". I've learned lately to not "take the bait" and usually do pretty well in letting things bounce off me.

Today I didn't succeed and ended up in an impossible argument that would never result in a solution because he knows it all and won't listen unless he decides to.

After it was over and he basically tried the "this is what I want and the way things will be" because things HAVE to be his way. Usually, I try to not let this effect how I treat him. I try to do what I can when he ask me to do something. I usually do it immediately or as soon as finishing whatever it I'm doing because this avoids him feeling "disrespected because I ignore his request".

I told him "Fine. Since you continue to do the things that I tell you are making my life difficult then I will stop doing the things I do for you to help you out. I've tailored all of your shirts over the last 2 weeks because you ask me to. I will not finish tailoring the rest of your clothes like your pants, jackets, etc... . also, because you like to make me wait for weeks and months to complete things I ask of you, but you refuse to let me do it myself because I may "mess up something"... . I will ask you to not try to use my sewing machine because you don't know how to use it."

This almost started another round but I repeated my words clearly and didn't get sidetracked. He accused me of being spiteful. Can someone tell me the difference in doing something out of spite and doing something because you feel tired of trying to continue to be nice and do nice things for someone who doesn't do the same for you? Maybe it is a little spiteful but &*&^& I get tired of trying to bend over backwards and still facing attitude.  I didn't do those things (or anything) expecting anything in return. I like being helpful and that's why I do things. I will continue to speak to him respectfully but that's it.

[imrealafterall]

I'm so over the tantrums by my BPD bf. He always tries to turn things back to me somehow being the cause of his feeling disrespected and using that to justify his "attitude". I've learned lately to not "take the bait" and usually do pretty well in letting things bounce off me.

Today I didn't succeed and ended up in an impossible argument that would never result in a solution because he knows it all and won't listen unless he decides to.

After it was over and he basically tried the "this is what I want and the way things will be" because things HAVE to be his way. Usually, I try to not let this effect how I treat him. I try to do what I can when he ask me to do something. I usually do it immediately or as soon as finishing whatever it I'm doing because this avoids him feeling "disrespected because I ignore his request".

I told him "Fine. Since you continue to do the things that I tell you are making my life difficult then I will stop doing the things I do for you to help you out. I've tailored all of your shirts over the last 2 weeks because you ask me to. I will not finish tailoring the rest of your clothes like your pants, jackets, etc... . also, because you like to make me wait for weeks and months to complete things I ask of you, but you refuse to let me do it myself because I may "mess up something"... . I will ask you to not try to use my sewing machine because you don't know how to use it."

This almost started another round but I repeated my words clearly and didn't get sidetracked. He accused me of being spiteful. Can someone tell me the difference in doing something out of spite and doing something because you feel tired of trying to continue to be nice and do nice things for someone who doesn't do the same for you? Maybe it is a little spiteful but &*&^& I get tired of trying to bend over backwards and still facing attitude.  I didn't do those things (or anything) expecting anything in return. I like being helpful and that's why I do things. I will continue to speak to him respectfully but that's it.

[Clearmind]

There is a difference between nice and assertive. You can be nicely assertive 

I'm so over the tantrums by my BPD bf. He always tries to turn things back to me somehow being the cause of his feeling disrespected and using that to justify his "attitude". I've learned lately to not "take the bait" and usually do pretty well in letting things bounce off me.

I can appreciate that. What do you do when he throws blame and accusations?

Today I didn't succeed and ended up in an impossible argument that would never result in a solution because he knows it all and won't listen unless he decides to.

Try to avoid these circular arguments from occurring real – its invalidating for you both. Best to leave the room and come back to it later when he is less dysregulated.

I told him "Fine. Since you continue to do the things that I tell you are making my life difficult then I will stop doing the things I do for you to help you out. I've tailored all of your shirts over the last 2 weeks because you ask me to. I will not finish tailoring the rest of your clothes like your pants, jackets, etc... . also, because you like to make me wait for weeks and months to complete things I ask of you, but you refuse to let me do it myself because I may "mess up something"... . I will ask you to not try to use my sewing machine because you don't know how to use it."

Bargaining wont help unfortunately. I sense you are resentful – which is understandable however we need to exercise strong boundaries in the moment before it gets to the tit for tat argument where little gets resolved.

This almost started another round but I repeated my words clearly and didn't get sidetracked. He accused me of being spiteful. Can someone tell me the difference in doing something out of spite and doing something because you feel tired of trying to continue to be nice and do nice things for someone who doesn't do the same for you? Maybe it is a little spiteful but &*&^& I get tired of trying to bend over backwards and still facing attitude.  I didn't do those things (or anything) expecting anything in return. I like being helpful and that's why I do things. I will continue to speak to him respectfully but that's it.

Responding and reacting are two different things. We respond when in the moment we instinctly know that we are not the cause and we not lay self blame – we react when we feel slighted and take things personally. Part of being with a Borderline is accepting the limitations and understanding that it takes us (me) some patience to respond or if not feeling strong in the moment – removing yourself “BF I will not listen to accusations and blame. If you continue I will leave the room/house” – follow through with the consequence.

Don’t justify, explain or defend yourself. Once there is conflict we need to step back otherwise it will escalate.

______

Hope these help!

Stop accusations and blaming

Arguing - don't engage

Reacting vs. responding--what's the difference?