Finding peace

[Up In the Air]

My husband and I have been having some really deep conversations lately and my hubby (his mom is uBPD) has come to the conclusion that he's never really had peace. He made a comment that it has always evaded him with the trauma and drama of growing up with a BPD mother and enabling/possibly NPD father and the multitude of unfortunate events that life has heaped on him. He's finally pulling out of all that the past couple years and getting into a more positive place in all aspects of life, though he still struggles to be content.

I've noticed as we've journeyed through our marriage together that he has a hard time being at peace and feeling full happiness. As a wife I want to support and love him and lift him up through all of this, though I know that a lot of it he needs to do by himself to fit the pieces back together.

We are currently NC with his parents and sister.

Obviously, many of you here have been through unbelievably difficult circumstances in your lives with your person who has BPD. It may seem like a dumb question, but I keep mulling it over and over. Have you found peace? Have you found happiness? What advice can you give me to be the most supportive while he's healing?

[Calsun]

Dear Up In the Air,

I don't know that I have any profound insight into this.  I'm still new to this site.  A few thoughts though.  You sound wonderfully caring and supportive, and just coming to this site and asking those questions shows just how much you are doing already!  It was such a poignant, powerful question that you asked:  Did you find peace?  In my experience, so much of growing up with a uBPD mother and an enabling father, is just surviving, finding a way to not be attacked or annihilated or abandoned. I even became conditioned to attack myself first so that I could control the abuse on some level. And life becomes a perpetual struggle for ground and for some capacity to keep your head above water.  The threats of physical and psychic annihilation were so powerful and terrifying. It was like living under a perpetual terrorist watch, living with a BPD mother. 

But your questions so beautifully reframe the issue in recovery from one of surviving attack to embracing life, from fear of death or annihilation to joy of living.  And that's a question that in my experience we become conditioned to not even ask.  How do we have peace and happiness?

I wish I was in a place of more peace and happiness.  I recently went through an illness and have experienced terror of annihilation, which was so similar to what I experienced as a child with my uBPD mother.  But I also have experienced a deep and abundant gratitude for the precious gift of life.  When I get lost in the moment, not the past with all of its pain and feeling of wasted opportunity or the future with all of its uncertainty.  And I do get lost in the moment more, the appreciation of the presence of loving friends, a walk in the park, noticing  the birds around me, my fear starts to subside, and I feel more peace.  It's as if the safety is in the present moment.

I know that sharing in community has helped me a lot, the tangible presence of others, finding this site. I'm sure others with more experience can offer you some more tangible ideas.  But I loved the hopefulness in your questions.  How many of us don't even feel as though we are entitled to ask those questions, at all.  Just asking those questions shows an orientation that is already leading you in the right direction, I think.

Thanks,

Calsun

[Up In the Air]

Thank you Calsun!

I appreciate your insight. My husband very much feels the same, that to enjoy life or to be happy would be some kind of betrayal to his mother, that she trained him that way. Perhaps it's just more of the peaceful moments you mentioned that will eventually connect together and seal itself over the hurt and pain.

[GeekyGirl]

Great questions, Up In the Air. Your DH is fortunate to have such a supportive wife!

Have you found peace? Have you found happiness? What advice can you give me to be the most supportive while he's healing?

For the most part, yes. I finally have figured out why my mother is "different," and it explains a lot of things that have baffled me over the years. That brings me some peace. There are times that I still get angry, or jealous of people with emotionally healthy parents, or sad, but for the most part, I feel like I have a good understanding of what has happened, and that does help.

Happiness? Yes. I've had to work on myself, though, to really see it and appreciate it. My son and DH bring me great joy. I have good friends and loving in-laws, which I can appreciate in ways that I probably wouldn't have if my mother didn't have BPD. I still have sad days and I still mourn for the mother I didn't have, but I also have happy, fun days as well.

How can you be supportive? Understand that this is a marathon and not a sprint. He will have rough days and good days. Don't judge him for what he's feeling and don't beat yourself up if you can't "fix" the issues. Be a sounding board for him, but respect his privacy if he doesn't want to talk about what he's going through. Show him affection. Take care of yourself, too, as the stronger and happier you are, the better off you'll both be. 

[ScarletOlive]

Up In the Air,

Ooh I like that question. I'd have to say that I have found peace. I'm still working towards a more full contentment, but I suppose I always will be striving for that. As a child, I was "happy" because I had to be and because I blocked out the abuse. But really, there was never a time when abuse was not in my life. So, as an adult, I think each bit of healing I do moves me more towards normal and happy than I ever have been in my life! It's pretty awesome.

Calsun and GeekyGirl mentioned a lot of good suggestions. Keeping in mind that healing is a process and a choice, and that it does get better really helped me. It made the tough times seem not as hard.

[mebefree]

Hi there,

You sound like such a loving and supportive wife. That in itself is helping him to heal.  You showing him unconditional love is something that he's probably never had before. I am also married to the Son of a BPD/NPD mother. It wasn't until about 8 months ago that we discovered she has a mental illness.

I had finally had enough of this difficult woman and I went online to find some help. There I discovered BPD and NPD. We immediately went into counseling and that is where we had our concerns validated. This woman has caused so much damage in the lives of so many people. She is constantly trying to cause problems in our marriage because she wants her baby back. (He's 53 years old). She has taken enough from MY family. We have been severely LC since March. I would be total NC but DH is too full of the "fog" for that yet. He says he can't do NC, yet he hasn't spoken to her other than our brief brunch with the family on mother's day. He refuses to speak with her directly over the phone. He asks me to contact her if she has called him. Boy is that making her even madder. He gets all tied up in knots when she is even brought up.

The process is a slow one.  Once we realized what was going on we read all we could on the subject.  Then when we were around her we were able to see it happening so clearly now.  I believe the complete seperation from her without the stigma of NC is what seems to work for my DH at this time. I do believe that he has been able to heal without her in his life. Therapy has been a life saver also.  Would your DH be willing to see a therapist?

I hope that you both find the peace you are looking for.  Sometimes we already have it but we just don't realize it.

All the best to you.

[Up In the Air]

Thank you so much for your input GeekyGirl, ScarletOlive, and mebefree! 

I absolutely love this forum. You all had great suggestions. I'm so glad to know that it's so completely possible to find peace and happiness. One step at a time, right?

Right now he's working through the 'spin doctor' stuff that his mom is doing with family members and I think that's bogging him down a bit. I've always looked at it as if those people are dumb enough not to ask questions and clarify with us, then they probably aren't worth our time... . but it's hard when it's family. When he gets upset and angry about it, I've tried to take the non-bashing approach, saying something like, "She's sick, honey. She's coping." This seems to calm him a bit and he knows I'm not making excuses for her, but rather just reminding him of the foundation of the issues he's dealing with.

mebefree, you mentioned my hubby seeing a therapist... . he is interested in it, but our circumstances are difficult. We live in a very small town, no therapists here that I've found yet (we just moved here). Also he works late a lot of the time and by the time he gets home it's 7 and then it's a little late to be driving 45 min into the next biggest town. He also frequently works weekends and at no notice often too, so it's tricky to find the time. I think we should MAKE the time.

I've suggested this forum and he's not too hot on that idea (though it's helped me a lot!). I'm wondering if perhaps we could find a therapist who we could meet with once and then he could do a phone appointment with for reoccurring appointments. Any other ideas?

[GeekyGirl]

It's possible that your DH is going through what we call a breakthrough crisis. That can be a very lonely and scary time, as it really forces us to look at our parents and ourselves in an honest light. For some of us it's the first time we see our BPD parents as truly disordered.

Therapy can be a big help. It sounds like it might take a lot of effort to get your DH to a T, but it's important that he has someone to help him work through the myriad of things he's likely feeling right now. Your plan to find a therapist who can work with your DH through the phone is a good one-- I'm sure if you called around, you'll find someone who will work remotely. It's also really important that your DH feels comfortable with his therapist, so it might take a few interviews to find the right one.

Your DH is absolutely welcome here, but if he's not comfortable with the idea, that's ok too. We all cope and heal differently.