Letting Go - a self introspection and beautiful unveiling

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am so grateful to be feeling so much better than I did about two weeks ago when my "incident" happened with my exBPD. Since then, I have returned to my original thinking process and have been given the opportunity to take a step back and see the situation in the light. I have since stopped talking to other people about the situation and instead switching to meaningful things in my life as I realized continuing to talk about what happened would prolong the grieving process. This is my official post to establish my transgression from the stage [L2] which was holding on to the thought of her and putting her before me and to move into [L3] and reverting to myself and the love that I have for myself.

○ No contact has been in effect for two weeks now. I have several texts from her sitting unreplied to in my inbox. I have blocked her on all social applications and there is absolutely no way for her to communicate with me technology wise.

○ She ran into her hangout the other night with her friend and avoided me at all costs, then tried to tease me by saying I didn't have the courage to say anything to her.   

○ I have had continuous dreams with her as the main secondary character, usually these dreams consists of her coming up to me and apologizing and making up for everything and usually we will kiss or something and talk about what happened which I guess is my mind truly speaking about what it wants to happen. In my real sense, I do not have the feelings for that to happen as much as I did and in the dreams we have both acknowledged each other and came up to each other where as where we ran into each other the other night, we avoided each other at all costs. It's like we are pretending each other don't exist and deep down we both really don't want to.

○ I feel I have all the power in the situation now, considering I have reverted back to my ideals. I feel I will definitely have her back in my life at some point but just not on an emotional love level. I am not sure I can create that kind of attachment for someone who would hurt me like that again. Though, this action is really dependent on how things play out of course.

○ The nonstop thoughts of her are slowly fading around and turning into thoughts of whats important in my life instead, though I will have my little bouts where I think about the good times we had and miss her presence.

○ I think in a few weeks just as a gesture to let her know I DO NOT hate her even though she may think I do by avoiding her and initiating NC with no warning. I have unconditional love for the girl in my heart, but not my life and would like to give her my spiritual but not physical presence. Maybe in the future we can be physically present with each other with no tensions, but until then I can't trust her to do any changing and allow that time together between us. From now on, I will hold my strong grip in relationships and call out the wrong.

○ Time will tell everything, so I will continue to base my actions based on what destiny sends my way.

[Peabody]

I am so grateful to be feeling so much better than I did about two weeks ago when my "incident" happened with my exBPD. Since then, I have returned to my original thinking process and have been given the opportunity to take a step back and see the situation in the light. I have since stopped talking to other people about the situation and instead switching to meaningful things in my life as I realized continuing to talk about what happened would prolong the grieving process. This is my official post to establish my transgression from the stage [L2] which was holding on to the thought of her and putting her before me and to move into [L3] and reverting to myself and the love that I have for myself.

○ No contact has been in effect for two weeks now. I have several texts from her sitting unreplied to in my inbox. I have blocked her on all social applications and there is absolutely no way for her to communicate with me technology wise.

○ She ran into her hangout the other night with her friend and avoided me at all costs, then tried to tease me by saying I didn't have the courage to say anything to her.   

○ I have had continuous dreams with her as the main secondary character, usually these dreams consists of her coming up to me and apologizing and making up for everything and usually we will kiss or something and talk about what happened which I guess is my mind truly speaking about what it wants to happen. In my real sense, I do not have the feelings for that to happen as much as I did and in the dreams we have both acknowledged each other and came up to each other where as where we ran into each other the other night, we avoided each other at all costs. It's like we are pretending each other don't exist and deep down we both really don't want to.

○ I feel I have all the power in the situation now, considering I have reverted back to my ideals. I feel I will definitely have her back in my life at some point but just not on an emotional love level. I am not sure I can create that kind of attachment for someone who would hurt me like that again. Though, this action is really dependent on how things play out of course.

○ The nonstop thoughts of her are slowly fading around and turning into thoughts of whats important in my life instead, though I will have my little bouts where I think about the good times we had and miss her presence.

○ I think in a few weeks just as a gesture to let her know I DO NOT hate her even though she may think I do by avoiding her and initiating NC with no warning. I have unconditional love for the girl in my heart, but not my life and would like to give her my spiritual but not physical presence. Maybe in the future we can be physically present with each other with no tensions, but until then I can't trust her to do any changing and allow that time together between us. From now on, I will hold my strong grip in relationships and call out the wrong.

○ Time will tell everything, so I will continue to base my actions based on what destiny sends my way.

[Clearmind]

The attachment was pretty shakey to start with Peabody therefore very hard or next to impossible to build a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Both the BPD and the partner needs some deep healing before comtemplating another relationship.

Look after you now - you deserve to be free and happy.

[Peabody]

I am almost to my month point of no contact! It is a wonder to think that time flew by so damn fast. Anyways, early this morning  ~4:30am or so, I received a text from her saying "Talk to me", and I was so tempted to reply as I had been drinking but was able to resist the temptation. I just wish she knew why I can't talk to her and maybe it wouldn't be so hard. I have mostly got back on my track of life and way of doing things and this is the first reach she has made since I saw her at my hangout the other week.

[Clearmind]

With contact like that especially at 4.30am its bound to be upsetting. You did good!

[Peabody]

I started to type up a message (on iphones, you can see when the other is typing so it is possible if she was paying close attention that she saw my attempt) but erased it quickly. I knew that throwing away the no contact would be very defeating to my happy stroll going on right now. Like I was saying to Octoberfest, I may send her some of her favorite flowers or something in a few weeks with a little message hoping she is doing good. I just want things to be more so in MY control than it has always been in hers.