SS21 at huge risk

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

SS21 (an addict) moved to a new city and is living at his GF's parents. Within a few days of moving his GF learned he was secretly smoking pot and so has said she wants a break from their relationship. His GF's parents say he can live with them until the end of the month. So he is in a new place with no support system, no family and very little money. He says he is very anxious. He got a minimum-wage job and now needs to find an apartment in a few weeks. DH is torn with how much help we should provide and so far has just said he would help him move his stuff. Meanwhile, there is lots going on with DH's ex who is UBPD and this has had a big impact on SS21.

I will provide some background on how SS21 got to this point, so this is going to be a long post, sorry.

SS21 has had many struggles. Began drinking when he was 13 and living mostly with his mom, who we believe is a high functioning BPD, and who has always treated SS21 as her golden child. When he was 16, SS21 asked to move in with DH. His mom raged for weeks, staged an "intervention" with her own mother to try to convince him to move back, and constantly calling to yell at him and beg him to return. When he stayed at his Dad's, she was furious but turned her attention to SS18 instead (pulling him from school to home school him, etc.) Shortly after moving in with DH, SS18 got high and stole a car and was arrested. He was let out on probation with conditions.

Since then SS21 has been to four addiction treatment programs. He was often a model participant -- smart and articulate, seen as a leader to others -- but then the truth would come out that on each break he had from the program he had been drinking, or that he had tried to sneak drugs into the facility. DH and his ex would agree SS21 needed to go in a program, she would determine which one, demand that she take him (so she could tell her story) but eventually say the program failed and it was DH's fault. The counsellors would usually learn what was really going on from DH or me -- SS21 rarely told them anything his mom was saying or doing. It was only when they would witness how she treated SS21 or she would rage at them that the counsellors would realize something wasn't right with her stories.

After counsellors at the first three programs figured out his mom, she pulled SS21 from each program. After the third program, he lived with us for a week or so but we learned he was drinking so DH had to call the police to let them know he was breaching his probation so he was put in jail. When he got out, he moved in with his Mom. They fought and he continued to drink and steal. His mom would throw him out, take him back, throw him out and on and on it went for over a year. Because he was a minor when he committed his crime, and she refused to tell the police what he was doing, he was let off and his record was wiped clean.

Finally at 19, she told SS21 he could no longer live with her and he must sign up for a religious addiction treatment program. He had said he wasn't religious many times but with the alternative being living on the streets, he went. He stayed in this 4th program for the required year. There was no professional counselling provided, just hours of religious study. Residents in the program were told to turn to God when they struggled. After a few months SS21 said he had "found God". We tried to keep an open mind about the program, encouraged that he was connecting with other participants for the first time, and thought that maybe a church connection could help him on his return.

When SS21 "graduated" from the religious program he announced that he was saved by God and by his mother. DH said that at the ceremony SS21 spoke about how he would never be where he was without his mother. You can imagine how that stoked his UBPD mom. He moved in with her and she bought him all sorts of things -- a new wardrobe, computer, cell phone, TV, etc. We know this because she sent DH all the bills demanding that he pay his portion (he refused.) She told others that SS21 was cured. SS21 told DH he owed everything to his mom for saving him. As one counsellor told us, "his mom is a classic enabler."

Soon after he left the fourth treatment program, SS21 went to a religious college and moved from his mom's to the college residence. Within a few weeks he said he was not going to church and didn't really believe in "all that stuff." He attended classes but didn't connect with many other students saying they were judging him and he didn't fit in. Within a few weeks, his older brother saw him drinking alone at a bar. When DH confronted him, he said he'd had a stressful day at school.

With the help of counsellors, DH and I have learned to not be enablers to SS21. It isn't easy to watch him struggle but we've learned not to be part of the problem. When he was 15 or 16, we used to jump in to "help" only to learn later he had lied to us or stolen from us. SS21 is smart, polite, good looking -- he is also a terrific liar as are most addicts. One of SS21's addiction counsellors had worked in a clinic specifically for people with BPD and she was the one who raised that DH's ex showed many of the symptoms of BPD. Along the way, this counsellor and another said SS21's mom's BPD added a huge complexity to SS21 dealing with his addiction. And this has proven to be very true.

While at the religious college SS21 met a girl (18). She attended college for a semester, then dropped out and moved back a few hundred miles away to live with her parents. We've met her and she seems like a typical 18 year old. For months SS21 and his GF kept in touch and visited a few times. We have no idea what his GF knows about his past. SS21 seemed to have his drinking in control this past year, at least from the little we saw of him. He said he only drank occasionally and SS18 said he never saw his brother drunk or out of control at his mom's. We have repeated told SS18 he could live with us if things were bad there, but he said he couldn't do that to his mom.

After one semester, SS21 had moved out of the college residence and back with his mom. He took a few high school upgrading classes and worked at a fast food place. A few weeks ago, SS21 texted to say he needed to store some stuff at our place. He gave a vague reason about how his mom was cleaning her place. When pushed, he said his mom was moving to a new place in a better location. SS18 let it slip that his mom was planning to move back to be near her parents, about 500 miles away. Then SS21 told DH he had moved out to live in a hotel because he was fed up with fighting with his mom. After a week, (and when we said he still couldn't live with us) he said he decided he would move to live at his GF parents temporarily, then find an apartment in her city. He had planned to be there for 6 months, but with him already using drugs, that has been shortened to a few weeks. I presume if he steals or does anything else, they will throw him out sooner.

Through all the years of counselling related to SS21, DH has learned that his role is to be the steady voice of reason. DH has worked hard to stay in touch, to listen but not to take on SS21's problems. We consistently offer to pay for counselling or for some healthy coping things, like passes to a gym or a bike all of which he has refused. Without a support system or coping mechanisms, SS21 is at huge risk of relapsing. He admits to huge anxiety right now, which is understandable, but it is also a trigger for him using.

SS21 admitted yesterday that while living at his mom's both of them were depressed. His mom has lost her job, split again from her on-again off again boyfriend (they have split many, many times) and says this time it is for good, has her home up for sale and some other stuff going on. DH says his ex has few friends and that her family appears normal to outsiders but has lots of dysfunction. A few years ago, she told SS18 she was moving to live near her parents and taking SS18 with her but backed off when she realized DH had a say. When she moved to the home she is living in now, she overpriced her old place and it took months and months for her to bring the price down and sell her place. 

And so now we wait to see what is next. What will happen to SS21? Will he stay in his GF's (maybe ex-GF) city? Will he relapse? Will DH's ex move away and take one of the boys with her? Will SS18 attend the program he is scheduled to go to in the fall? (his mom has said if he's nervous, he can move with her instead.)

We are trying to look for the positives - maybe a new place will give SS21 a new outlook. Maybe DH's ex will move away and the boys will be able to maintain a long distance, less intrusive relationship. But all we can do is wait and see what happens.

Man this stuff is hard.

[NorthernGirl]

SS21 (an addict) moved to a new city and is living at his GF's parents. Within a few days of moving his GF learned he was secretly smoking pot and so has said she wants a break from their relationship. His GF's parents say he can live with them until the end of the month. So he is in a new place with no support system, no family and very little money. He says he is very anxious. He got a minimum-wage job and now needs to find an apartment in a few weeks. DH is torn with how much help we should provide and so far has just said he would help him move his stuff. Meanwhile, there is lots going on with DH's ex who is UBPD and this has had a big impact on SS21.

I will provide some background on how SS21 got to this point, so this is going to be a long post, sorry.

SS21 has had many struggles. Began drinking when he was 13 and living mostly with his mom, who we believe is a high functioning BPD, and who has always treated SS21 as her golden child. When he was 16, SS21 asked to move in with DH. His mom raged for weeks, staged an "intervention" with her own mother to try to convince him to move back, and constantly calling to yell at him and beg him to return. When he stayed at his Dad's, she was furious but turned her attention to SS18 instead (pulling him from school to home school him, etc.) Shortly after moving in with DH, SS18 got high and stole a car and was arrested. He was let out on probation with conditions.

Since then SS21 has been to four addiction treatment programs. He was often a model participant -- smart and articulate, seen as a leader to others -- but then the truth would come out that on each break he had from the program he had been drinking, or that he had tried to sneak drugs into the facility. DH and his ex would agree SS21 needed to go in a program, she would determine which one, demand that she take him (so she could tell her story) but eventually say the program failed and it was DH's fault. The counsellors would usually learn what was really going on from DH or me -- SS21 rarely told them anything his mom was saying or doing. It was only when they would witness how she treated SS21 or she would rage at them that the counsellors would realize something wasn't right with her stories.

After counsellors at the first three programs figured out his mom, she pulled SS21 from each program. After the third program, he lived with us for a week or so but we learned he was drinking so DH had to call the police to let them know he was breaching his probation so he was put in jail. When he got out, he moved in with his Mom. They fought and he continued to drink and steal. His mom would throw him out, take him back, throw him out and on and on it went for over a year. Because he was a minor when he committed his crime, and she refused to tell the police what he was doing, he was let off and his record was wiped clean.

Finally at 19, she told SS21 he could no longer live with her and he must sign up for a religious addiction treatment program. He had said he wasn't religious many times but with the alternative being living on the streets, he went. He stayed in this 4th program for the required year. There was no professional counselling provided, just hours of religious study. Residents in the program were told to turn to God when they struggled. After a few months SS21 said he had "found God". We tried to keep an open mind about the program, encouraged that he was connecting with other participants for the first time, and thought that maybe a church connection could help him on his return.

When SS21 "graduated" from the religious program he announced that he was saved by God and by his mother. DH said that at the ceremony SS21 spoke about how he would never be where he was without his mother. You can imagine how that stoked his UBPD mom. He moved in with her and she bought him all sorts of things -- a new wardrobe, computer, cell phone, TV, etc. We know this because she sent DH all the bills demanding that he pay his portion (he refused.) She told others that SS21 was cured. SS21 told DH he owed everything to his mom for saving him. As one counsellor told us, "his mom is a classic enabler."

Soon after he left the fourth treatment program, SS21 went to a religious college and moved from his mom's to the college residence. Within a few weeks he said he was not going to church and didn't really believe in "all that stuff." He attended classes but didn't connect with many other students saying they were judging him and he didn't fit in. Within a few weeks, his older brother saw him drinking alone at a bar. When DH confronted him, he said he'd had a stressful day at school.

With the help of counsellors, DH and I have learned to not be enablers to SS21. It isn't easy to watch him struggle but we've learned not to be part of the problem. When he was 15 or 16, we used to jump in to "help" only to learn later he had lied to us or stolen from us. SS21 is smart, polite, good looking -- he is also a terrific liar as are most addicts. One of SS21's addiction counsellors had worked in a clinic specifically for people with BPD and she was the one who raised that DH's ex showed many of the symptoms of BPD. Along the way, this counsellor and another said SS21's mom's BPD added a huge complexity to SS21 dealing with his addiction. And this has proven to be very true.

While at the religious college SS21 met a girl (18). She attended college for a semester, then dropped out and moved back a few hundred miles away to live with her parents. We've met her and she seems like a typical 18 year old. For months SS21 and his GF kept in touch and visited a few times. We have no idea what his GF knows about his past. SS21 seemed to have his drinking in control this past year, at least from the little we saw of him. He said he only drank occasionally and SS18 said he never saw his brother drunk or out of control at his mom's. We have repeated told SS18 he could live with us if things were bad there, but he said he couldn't do that to his mom.

After one semester, SS21 had moved out of the college residence and back with his mom. He took a few high school upgrading classes and worked at a fast food place. A few weeks ago, SS21 texted to say he needed to store some stuff at our place. He gave a vague reason about how his mom was cleaning her place. When pushed, he said his mom was moving to a new place in a better location. SS18 let it slip that his mom was planning to move back to be near her parents, about 500 miles away. Then SS21 told DH he had moved out to live in a hotel because he was fed up with fighting with his mom. After a week, (and when we said he still couldn't live with us) he said he decided he would move to live at his GF parents temporarily, then find an apartment in her city. He had planned to be there for 6 months, but with him already using drugs, that has been shortened to a few weeks. I presume if he steals or does anything else, they will throw him out sooner.

Through all the years of counselling related to SS21, DH has learned that his role is to be the steady voice of reason. DH has worked hard to stay in touch, to listen but not to take on SS21's problems. We consistently offer to pay for counselling or for some healthy coping things, like passes to a gym or a bike all of which he has refused. Without a support system or coping mechanisms, SS21 is at huge risk of relapsing. He admits to huge anxiety right now, which is understandable, but it is also a trigger for him using.

SS21 admitted yesterday that while living at his mom's both of them were depressed. His mom has lost her job, split again from her on-again off again boyfriend (they have split many, many times) and says this time it is for good, has her home up for sale and some other stuff going on. DH says his ex has few friends and that her family appears normal to outsiders but has lots of dysfunction. A few years ago, she told SS18 she was moving to live near her parents and taking SS18 with her but backed off when she realized DH had a say. When she moved to the home she is living in now, she overpriced her old place and it took months and months for her to bring the price down and sell her place. 

And so now we wait to see what is next. What will happen to SS21? Will he stay in his GF's (maybe ex-GF) city? Will he relapse? Will DH's ex move away and take one of the boys with her? Will SS18 attend the program he is scheduled to go to in the fall? (his mom has said if he's nervous, he can move with her instead.)

We are trying to look for the positives - maybe a new place will give SS21 a new outlook. Maybe DH's ex will move away and the boys will be able to maintain a long distance, less intrusive relationship. But all we can do is wait and see what happens.

Man this stuff is hard.

[DreamGirl]

Maybe being away from his mama will help him gain some clarity... .

It's hard watching the kiddos take these kinds of paths - there is only so much we, as parents, can really do.

And it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

My brother is an addict. He moved away from us(and all of his friends) when he was 24. It changed his life for the better.

I know there's different strokes for different folks, but sometimes we have to just hope for the best. Maybe this will be a blessing for him to be able to start over. He's gotta want it for himself - more then you want it for him. 

Big hugs.     

~DG

[mamachelle]

NorthernGirl,

As many say to me lately ... . bigger kids, bigger problems.

You know your SS21 story mirrors many many I read on the Supporting a Son Daughter board. I am actually shocked BPD mom has been able to be as intrusive as she has in his adult rehabs. I guess her BPD just allows her to push through all the rules put in place by these health care facilities.

Yes, I hope he comes out of this ok. He really seems to be all over and has not settled at all. I do agree distance from mom is better for both of your SS18 and 21.

It is hard stuff though and I encourage you to read and post also over on Supporting for this as well... . the parents there have older kids like yours and they can relate to your understandable anxiety and offer some hope and help.

 mamachelle

[Matt]

Man this stuff is hard.

Yup.  Very hard.

My SS35 started drinking at 12 after being abused by his BPD mom;  meth in high school;  never clean til his mid-20s;  then he quit meth and other drugs but kept drinking, got DUIs, went to prison, rehab, jail, rehab, and now prison - 5 years into a 7-year sentence.  He's now clean and sober 4 1/2 years, and he's become very honest, and I'm very proud of him, but he is paying a very high price for what he did all those years, and it all goes back, in my view, to his biodad leaving when he was little, and his BPD biomom treating him badly when he was growing up.

He was in rehab twice, for six months each time - a very good program which did him a lot of good and was also very helpful to me and my other kids.

A couple things I learned there which I think you probably know, but maybe it will help to remind you... .

One is, until the underlying issues are dealt with - in your SS's case they surely include stuff that happened with his mom when he was younger, but there may be other stuff too - until that stuff is out in the light of day, and understood, and worked on, it's not likely he'll be able to be sober for long.  He is living with great pain, and he has found that drinking dulls it, and nothing else (well maybe pot!) works, so he'll probably always go back to drinking sooner or later.

By the way, there's a great column by the British comedian Russell Brand, who is in recovery - 10 years clean after many years on heroin.  The money quote:

":)rugs and alcohol are not my problem — reality is my problem. Drugs and alcohol are my solution."

www.blogs.spectator.co.uk/coffeehouse/2013/03/the-only-way-to-help-addicts-is-to-treat-them-as-sick-not-bad/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-only-way-to-help-addicts-is-to-treat-them-as-sick-not-bad

The other thing I would point out - which you've already experienced and will unfortunately probably be experiencing for some time yet - is that every day could go either way, and you'll never - and I mean never - know which way tomorrow will go.  When he is using, and you are afraid he'll never get clean, today could be his last day using and tomorrow he could get help and stay clean for a long time or forever.  And when he's clean, today could be his last day sober - he could relapse tomorrow and continue using for who-knows-how-long.  Every day, as long as he lives, when you think things are great they could go bad, and when you think things are bad they could get better.  And as parents, we have to accept that not-knowing, and live with it, the rest of our lives and theirs.  It's a very hard thing, and it took me many years to get it, and even longer to fully accept it - even now, after 4 1/2 years clean and sober, I have to remind myself that he could relapse any day, and there's almost nothing I can do about that.  But if we keep reminding ourselves, it helps a little, because we're a little less vulnerable, and our own highs and lows are a little more moderate.

Finally let me say I'm glad you and your husband have each other and you're supporting each other through this.  I hope that will make you both smarter and stronger.

[Matt]

One more thought, this one from Dr. Drew (whose podcast is great by the way):

It's very common for an addict, especially when he's young, to try a number of programs, and flunk or quit.  That doesn't mean the programs aren't good, just that he's not ready.  It's OK for him to keep trying different programs, if there is a way to get funding - you don't need to feel obligated to keep paying for them but if he can find a way, it's probably better for him to keep trying than to just give up.  And sooner or later, either he'll find the right program, or he'll just get to a point when he is ready, and he'll do better.  Not for sure, but it can happen.

Probably best to keep encouraging him, and not to be cynical, or blame the programs for not being good enough.  Just keep encouraging him that you believe in him, and also keep maintaining the boundaries you and your husband decide are right - that's a very hard part of this, and I don't think there is any "right" answer, but if you and your husband together decide what the boundaries are, and maintain them, you'll be doing your best, and that's all you can do.

Many of my family and friends, and my SS's friends, gave up on him, and I can't blame them - more than 15 years of alcohol and other drugs, lying, stealing, jail, etc.  I enabled way too long, but I'm also glad I never gave up on him.  Now I'm seeing that I was wrong to be so weak and not to have good boundaries, but I was right to believe in him and keep encouraging him.  Ultimately I believe he is going to make it through to a good life.  Your SS may have a way to go yet - he may not be ready now or for some time yet - but there is hope.

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks DreamGirl, Mamachelle and Matt. It helps knowing others get what we're going through. It is all very difficult & complicated and not something our friends and family understand. Some days I feel DH and I are coping well considering all that goes on. And then other days I need the reminder that we just have to keep working at it.

I remember reading somewhere (probably some AA stuff) where a guy was asked why the 5th rehab program he went to worked, and he said it wasn't the program it was that he was finally ready. A good reminder Matt.

SS21 has tested us our boundaries many times but we have managed to stay firm. In hindsight, his first counsellor told DH stuff that we weren't ready to hear (for example, she said she expected SS21 was a long way from being ready to open up and do something different, even saying she expected he might be beat up and living on the streets) but we can now see she was correct. We weren't ready to hear this stuff at the beginning so I can see why it is even harder for SS21 to face.

Matt -- I think you hit on something important -- that we will never know how tomorrow will go. Interesting that one of SS18's big issues is "fear of the unknown." SS18 has anxiety issues and so his counsellor reminds him to focus on one day at a time. And to think about what he can control. Turns out it's a good reminder for all of us!

DH has been a great encourager for his sons. He is full of hope. His optimism was a bit of a challenge when he wanted to bend the rules because he was encouraged by a step SS21 had taken, but he's better at that now that we've been at this for awhile. DH keeps encouraging SS21 to talk about and work on some of the stuff from the past, but he hasn't been ready to do that. Especially when his mom was buying him things and giving him a place to stay. Maybe that changing will help him. Maybe not. We need to continue to have hope but not have our own happiness tied to what he does each day.

Thanks again for the notes. It helps me to get some stuff out and remind myself of what we need to do. I'm recuperating from surgery so am having up and down days, and even that helps me to remember that things take longer than we think and I just need to put my energy in the right places. 

[Matt]

Al-Anon?