Determined to get her to fess up and want to tell her she is BPD

[Jadam12]

Just got out of a 7 year live in relationship with a female BPD.  Interestingly I'm over many aspects the relationship but she has never once took responsibility for anything and does everything she can to avoid a "coming to Jesus moment" if you will.

Will a BPD ever admit their mistakes or will I have to just accept she won't ever own up to it?

Also, she never told me she had BPD.  She did mention once very briefly she had Bi-Polar but my therapist insists she is Borderline.  I have to admit, I really want to tell her she has BPD, though my latest draft of how I'd tell her in my head is understanding and not negative.  Anyone have experience telling their ex or current partner they have BPD?  How did it go?  Just curious.

[Jadam12]

Two things are driving me.

First, she is currently working on her second masters to become a therapist and the thought of her counseling anyone gives me chills.

Second, she has our dog Zorra (couldn't keep her in my current living situation) and I miss her so much.  Zorra bonded with me primarily as I was the one who took her on hikes, fly-fishing and other adventures.  When hanging out, Zorra always came to me and never to BPDex.  The few times I got a chance to see Zorra after I was booted out of the house she was overly ecstatic to see me and that hurt.

However the thought of seeing BPDex if I ever get a chance to see Zorra is hard knowing that BPDex has lied and evaded every attempt to I made to get her to own up to the horrible things she did to me.

[papawapa]

If you tell her she won't accept it. I ended up in the hospital after a PTSD induced suicide attempt. I had never heard of BPD. My psychiatrist told me based off of the one episode that landed me in the hospital that he was certain she had BPD. I was all like, aha! I can tell her and she will get help. When I got out of the hospital I told her and it was a mistake. It set her off. They know inside that something isn't right with them. They already loathe themselves and the very idea that they are mentally ill is something they cannot handle. If she is going to find out she has BPD it will have to come from a professional that diagnoses her. My advice is don't bring it up.

[Clearmind]

Two things are driving me.

First, she is currently working on her second masters to become a therapist and the thought of her counseling anyone gives me chills.

Not your role Jadam. It wouldn't change anything and its more than likely she won't believe you.

Second, she has our dog Zorra (couldn't keep her in my current living situation) and I miss her so much.  Zorra bonded with me primarily as I was the one who took her on hikes, fly-fishing and other adventures.  When hanging out, Zorra always came to me and never to BPDex.  The few times I got a chance to see Zorra after I was booted out of the house she was overly ecstatic to see me and that hurt.

However the thought of seeing BPDex if I ever get a chance to see Zorra is hard knowing that BPDex has lied and evaded every attempt to I made to get her to own up to the horrible things she did to me.

Jadam in time we recognize a few things about our relationships and right now you are hurting I get that.

It takes two to have a dysfunctional relationship not just one. We do play a role.

_____

What if she accused you of BPD? How would you feel?

[Jadam12]

Well, she has accused me of a lot with supposed backing from knowledge of psychology.  it's been hard, with the help of my therapist , my mom and my best friend who is also a therapist that I am a well balanced person over all.  Just like I felt before getting involved with my exPBD and in my previous relationships.

Thank you for your input.

[Jadam12]

My therapist and I did get to the meat of my issues with attachment, caregiving, and need of approval of others.  I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to abandon my empathy, spaciousness and caring attributes, but need to practice standing up for myself, ask more of what I want and guard my heart more which has actually been really fun doing.  I really made a concerted effort in my last year with my exBPD to not give in and stand up which made her feel less inclined to lash out and more comfortable with me. It feels empowering making a conscious decision to do these things.

Also, it was nice to hear my therapist friend make the observation that we are both masculine men with strong feminine qualities and he wouldn't want it any other way for himself.

It's been really strange that these strong feelings cropped up after moving out, but can accept they have. Also, my BPDex engaging me in very passionate and intense sex along with treating me nicely and making an effort to thank me for things I did for her in the last month really threw me for a loop. In essence I made a fast turn around to want to make the relationship work and read some great books about healthy relationships.  What was such a fast turn around to make things work became like turning a huge steam ship 180 degrees back again in the other direction.

Even though I am sad, hurt and angry at times I also feel an immense amount of strength and power too.  So much so I went to up to a coworker I had always thought attractive, but not intensely attractive like my ex, and asked her out on a date.  She said yes.  Also embracing sadness, hurt and anger and sitting with it, instead of denying it, actually has the effect of making me feel better faster.

I remember when my exBPD fell into intense anxiety when I got depressed after losing my first teaching job and started calling me lazy and uncaring because I wasn't working hard for her to find another job right away (as she put it) I grew resentful not being more insistent that she let me be for a while.  She wound up giving me some of her antidepressants which only made me want to search for a new job even less.

Another good friend of mine gave me a great piece of advice.  If the attraction feels like it did for my exBPD, don't go there.

[Trick1004]

Don't do it. Spend some more time here reading the posts. Six weeks after my ex left me I'm still baffled that I haven't received any acknowledgement or recognition of our four year relationship and everything I did for her. I've also wanted to tell her she needs help, but now know it will just set her off and she will turn it around on me.

Think hard about it, you were in a seven year relationship. Did she ever fess up and truthfully apologize for any of her behavior while you were with her? The only time mine ever did was when I was ready to end it. Even then it was to keep me around, nothing about her changed in the long run.

Why do you think that anything would be different now that you're out of the relationship? She'll either use it to blowup at you and blame you or use it to draw you back in. Our exBPD's are emotionally disturbed and don't process things like normal people.

Let it go. Nothing good will come of it.

[Suzn]

Even though I am sad, hurt and angry at times I also feel an immense amount of strength and power too.  So much so I went to up to a coworker I had always thought attractive, but not intensely attractive like my ex, and asked her out on a date.  She said yes.  

Jadam you say that there are still things driving you about your ex. Things that make you feel compelled to act possibly. Knowing this, how emotionally available, for a new relationship, do you see yourself? When we are still wrapped in thoughts of our ex we are still emotionally attached.  

[Jadam12]

I wholeheartedly agree suzn.  My thought is to just go out to have fun.  After asking my coworker out on a date she mentioned meeting up at this social activity that happens every Thursday night in Boulder, called the Thursday Bicycle Cruiser ride.  I've been doing it for over a decade so it was really cool of her to bring it up.  It turns out we have mutual friends. Also, it's very informal and takes off the pressure of a "normal" date.

But yeah, getting into another relationship would be a challenge.  I will definitely utilize my therapist in the beginning of my next relationship.

Thank you for saying that though.