Working with ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Can people share experiences? I'm going to be in this situation soon so I just want to know what to expect.  I'm the most detached I've ever been so I feel ok about it, but I wonder how/ whether that will change when we're in the same building/phone directory/email system as each other and will inevitably cross paths more than we do now.   I don't want to regress in my healing and detachment... .

[Cooper10]

Can people share experiences? I'm going to be in this situation soon so I just want to know what to expect.  I'm the most detached I've ever been so I feel ok about it, but I wonder how/ whether that will change when we're in the same building/phone directory/email system as each other and will inevitably cross paths more than we do now.   I don't want to regress in my healing and detachment... .

[crystalclear]

Hi Cooper 10,

I can closely relate to this, because my exbf was my colleague and for a brief period my manager too. After the breakup we avoided eachother and reduced all comunication unless it was absolutely necessary. We maintained thorough professionalism eve though it hurt to read his straight forward and dry emails. Fortunately I relocated before I met him so we barely met in person after the breakup at work.

For me my job and the work environment is very important,  so I ensured I did not let his behavior affect my work and my demeanor at office. There were times of stress due to the trauma I suffered for months and it showed in my work, but I pulled up socks and took charge of it, sortted it out.

Focus on yourself and your work. Good luck!

CC

[danley]

I met my ex at work so my experience might be different. It's hard. It's harder to deal with because I'm constantly interacting for work. And even tho it's work related it is difficult. It's great that you feel detached. But the true test will be when you have to see your ex at work. Feelings might surface from either side... . good or bad feelings. You can control your own feelings but you don't know how your ex will feel. I'm sure it will be just as uncomfortable for the ex too. Just try to keep things professional. Hopefully you don't have to interact too much together. The last thing you'd want is to take a step back in your healing process.

[willtimeheal]

Cooper10

In a month I will be in the same situation as you. I was hoping my ex BPD would switch buildings but she won't. I plan on avoiding her at all costs. I will smile an  say hello when I see her. Keep it professional but I know that seeing her is going to be tough. And I am nervous about hearing about her new bf. I don't know how that is going to affect me. She  is still telling me that she is deciding whether she wants him or me... . my feeling and heart are no game. I am trying to pull my life back together. I am scared and nervous about work too.

[Bananas]

Hi Cooper10,

I work with my ex and I want to know what to expect too!  I communicated to my ex early on that although he wanted to remain friends, I needed some space and that for now our r/s needed to be work only. I get a little of everything and what I have learned with my ex anyway is to expect things to be totally unpredictable.  The behaviors I get from him are totally ignore, friendly chatter, very personal questioning, evil angry looks, stalking type behavior, raging temper (he is smart enough to do this when no one else is around), and this can change by the day / hour.  Also, he attempts to take credit for my good work in front of others.   

I don't know where you are in your detaching, but I am not very far.  Right now I feel really strong on the weekends when I have no contact, but seeing him at work is still very difficult for me.  Just seeing his name on an email gives me anxiety.  And it depends on what you are comfortable with in terms of a friendship.  I cannot be friends with my ex at this point, because I realized for me being friends fools me into wanting more which eventually leads to the same outcome, suffering. 

So here are some things I do, since I can only control me:

First I check in with my feelings for the day.  Some days I feel stronger than others.  If it is a "weak" day I will try my best to limit my exposure to him. If I have to talk to him about something work related that can wait, I will save it for another day.   

All calls (we have caller ID) from him go to voicemail.  If it really is about work, he will leave a message.

I only answer work related emails and keep the answers as dry as possible.  If he mixes work and personal I just ignore the personal.

If I see him in the hall I will give him a polite hello but only if he says hello first.  This is the hardest for me because I say hello to everyone I pass in the hall, even strangers.  I try not to make eye contact and keep my focus on where I am going. 

I don't take anything personal.  I realize anything mean he does to me is about him and has nothing to do with me as a person or anything I have done. 

I fake it.  I have a smile on my face at meetings when we are in the same room even if I am not feeling it.  I refuse to let him affect my job.  I like my job and I am good at it. 

When we have to work on a project together I use the communication tools on the staying board, like SET, and I validate him.  This makes things easier for me!  SET also works when he starts asking me a lot of personal questions. 

I am hoping I get to that point soon where I really just don't care and I don't have to think so much about how I act or respond... .   I have done a lot of experimenting with what works for me, what makes me feel better, and I imagine you will have to do the same depending on how your ex acts.  For a long time I was hung up on how he felt about seeing me at work instead of how I felt.  So my goal is to make work as easy and productive for me! 

[Cooper10]

Thanks so much for the thoughts everyone.  Bananas, I especially appreciate the tangible advice. 

I do feel that I'm pretty far along in the detachment process.  Definitely the farthest I've ever been, which is great.  During my last detachment phase, though, before the last recycle, I was doing really well when he was out of sight.  When he reentered my reality again, that was when I was no longer ok and all the emotions bubbled to the surface.  That's what I'm worried about repeating at work... .

Fortunately, we won't be required to work together, and hopefully won't really even be required to see one another that much at all.  We had no contact for five months, a brief recycle, and now we've been back to NC for about a month now.  I think if this were a normal relationship/break up, it wouldn't even be an issue at all.  I just know, based on experience, that even if we both leave one another alone for a time, he will start to  subtly poke at me again.  Hopefully I'm wrong and he's done with me for good now; but, I know him pretty well. I guess all I can do is hope for the best and try to remember to control my own actions and reactions because I can't control his.