the next low level attack

[clover528]

livednlearned, Yes i have a T. i have been going for a few months now. She knows I am afraid but seems to thi family, that he is all talk. She also suggested getting the order. I honestly do not see any good that would come from it. i know it would set him off further. I  am angry right now. I just checked his gf fb page. He has been at a carnival with her and the kids like nothing is wrong. Laughing, all smiles. While i am locked away terrified and sick. I cant begin to tell you how I feel right now. i am glad I checked though. He is really very ill. To be able to do such horrible things then turn it off and laugh and play like he did nothing wrong? This is so upsetting. This is mental illness, right?

[Matt]

This is mental illness, right?

I'm not a psychologist, and nobody here can diagnose somebody second-hand.

But yeah, either he's mentally ill, or you're a very talented story-teller.

The professionals usually don't talk about "mental illness" anymore, because there is so much that is technically "mental illness" that it leads to the conclusion that almost everybody is mentally ill.  If you're a recovering alcoholic, and haven't had a drink in 20 years, technically you still have a "mental illness".  Or if (like me), you struggle with depression, but you are managing it and you're 100% functional, somebody could call that "mental illness".  It's not useful to talk in those terms.

Somebody like your husband certainly sounds like he has a serious problem and isn't getting the treatment he needs.  You can only assume that his behavior will continue or get worse, and protect yourself.

[Clearmind]

Matt has given great solid advice and its important not to sugar coat (protect him) this recent event. No doubt it feels uncomfortable telling the police however you are in charge of protecting you.

Labels aside this has made you feel fearful.

[clover528]

Matt,

No I am not a very good story teller. Actually I am a science mind. chemistry and math. Weird but true. I understand the labels aren't helpful. and I can commiserate. I too am functioning, with depression and anxiety for years now. He is sick.

Clearmind,

As always you have sound advice as well. I am heeding this. I am not going to protect him. I AM GOING TO PROTECT MYSELF AND MY FAMILY. Period. With every means available to me within the law. I will stand my ground and he will not hurt me or my kids again. I am angry and I am channeling that anger toward the greater good.


Disordered or not, he does not have the right to terrorize me and my family knowingly. And yes he knows what he is doing. After seeing those pictures and knowing how scared I have been and kept my children from playing out in the yard or going to a park or even opening a window! OH NO HE CANT! Seeing him out and playing and laughing. That was the last straw. I am done. I have the right to be safe and healthy and happy. Right now, He is a danger to me. I wont sit idle while he goes off laughing as I shake and cry.

edited to add, No Matt by the Grace of God, I am not married to him. It has turned out to be a double edged sword though. As far as domestic violence is concerned I have fewer rights but it is better because I dont have to deal with the legalities of ending a marriage.

I want to thank you all for the help. Everyone here has been so very helpful. I am both grateful and humbled by the support.

[Matt]

I understand the labels aren't helpful. and I can commiserate. I too am functioning, with depression and anxiety for years now. He is sick.

Yeah, I get it - there's a big difference between someone (like you and me and probably most here) who are dealing with difficult stuff and sometimes struggle, and someone who reaches out to hurt others.  I have room for lots of the former in my life, but for none of the latter.

(And hey me too - I'm a science nerd in Real Life!)

[papawapa]

My advice is that you go and file for the Restraining Order/Order for Protection/No Contact Order, whatever it is called in your state. Once it is in place if he so much as calls you, texts you, emails you, he will be in violation of the law and all you need to do then is report the violation to the police and he will be arrested.

I would also suggest that you arm yourself. A piece of paper will not keep you safe if he shows up at your home unexpectedly and the time it takes for the police to respond is plenty of time for him to harm you or your children.

[clover528]

Matt,  It is nice to meet a fellow Science geek! If ony BPD were as easy to solve as a derivation or integration... . LOL!

Papa,

I am working on it. I am no stranger to the legal use of a firearm. I was taught to respect them and know how to use them from an early age. I appreciate that now more than I ever could just a few short years ago. I know better than to think he is done. As a matter of fact, I just got another call. blocked of course but it shows up. my heart is pounding still.

While I agree about the order etc, I am really afraid to add fuel to the flame. As it turns out, he may have a warrant out now. He is classic BPD and feels he is above the law. He lost his license over three years ago now. His last bout with being stopped and fined for driving without a license, he never paid his fines. i know that doesnt go without a judge issuing a bench warrant. I also know he is driving without a license now. When he gets served with the po, they will arrest him for the unpaid fines. They are just having trouble tracking him down. Time will tell.

thank you for your input and concern. I appreciate the encouraging words more than anything. It gives me strength.

[MammaMia]

Clover

There is nothing good that will come from checking your ex's gf's facebook.   Why torture yourself?  Let it go.  Stop beating yourself up... . Whatever happened between the two of you is in the past.  Regardless of what he believes you did, he has no right to continue to stalk and threaten you.  Your T should be ashamed.  I would consider looking for a new one.

Threatening your life is a terroristic threat... . a felony.  Take all the good advice here and go to the police and INSIST they listen and take the situation seriously.  Do not let them tell you they can't do anything until he tries to harm you.  That would be a huge mistake.

Your children need you.  Be proactive.

[livednlearned]

Clover

There is nothing good that will come from checking your ex's gf's facebook.   Why torture yourself?  Let it go.  Stop beating yourself up... . Whatever happened between the two of you is in the past.  Regardless of what he believes you did, he has no right to continue to stalk and threaten you.  Your T should be ashamed.  I would consider looking for a new one.

Threatening your life is a terroristic threat... . a felony.  Take all the good advice here and go to the police and INSIST they listen and take the situation seriously.  Do not let them tell you they can't do anything until he tries to harm you.  That would be a huge mistake.

Your children need you.  Be proactive.

Just going to add again that I think you need to read Gift of Fear about the protection order, and then talk to a T who understands Axis II Cluster B personality disorders.

Your instincts about a PO triggering worse violence is worth listening to. I think you need someone trained in this particular kind of thing to help you figure out what to do. When my ex refused to return my son (thought he was going to kill S12 and then himself), I talked to my T, who helped walk me through the psychology of my ex. I won't go into the details, but eventually N/BPDx said he was coming to my house my S12 and I wasn't sure whether to have police there, or a male friend. My T was certain N/BPDx had too much narcissism to do anything while neighbors were out, and I live in a townhome, so everyone is close, and people are always out. No one here can tell you whether your ex is going to become violent, but a therapist can help you work through the patterns to see if your ex bluffs. You need someone who is less flooded in emotion to help you piece together his behavior.

Not saying you shouldn't get a PO, just that there is more to it, and de Becker is a good place to start figuring out what's best for you.

[clover528]

Mamma,

You are correct. Checking her page was hurtful, but it also gave me a big reality check. I do not feel sorry for him anymore. I may get there again sometime down the road, but as for now, I am angry. Not in a jealous way mind you. I am angry that he can terrorize me and my family and walk off as if nothing happened. As I said, I will not sit idly by while he does this. I am being proactive and yes, he will be held accountable for his actions. I am doing all I can within my rights and the law to handle this.

And I have questioned my therapist too. she has helped me much with issues in the past but I believe this is beyond her specialties. She does more clinical work, in my opinion. I am trying to find a T who specializes in DBT as well as BPD/NPD.  I know my issues of attaching to a man like my ex is more about my issues than his could ever be.

For the time being I am maintaining focus on safety and my family. In doing so, I will use any means to track his movements in order to stay safe. If that means I see her page and the happy couple, so be it. My safety and my childrens safety is priority one.

As I posted before, a PO is a piece of paper. He has to be found to be served. Even then it wont put him behind bars. The last time I checked, I didnt have an officer outside my home or a personal body guard. It is on me to take care of me and mine.  I have to utilize what I have access to  in order to make that happen.

Thank you for the encouragement. I gain strength when I come here. I know I am not alone and that this is a real problem that others have encountered. As hard as this is, it is a little easier when I can hear from those with experience in these r/s's .

[ForeverDad]

To be able to do such horrible things then turn it off and laugh and play like he did nothing wrong? This is so upsetting.

Sure sounds like my ex in the last year we were together.  (And many disordered people described here.)  However, since her behavior was focused on me, me being the adult and not the child, court largely ignored it.  I've concluded that court gives primary focus to parneting behaviors and little if any attention to the adult behaviors.  In my case we've been in and out of court since 2005 without her ever being diagnosed with a disorder.  Yet over time the court has taken consistent baby steps to back her off the temporary custody and temporary majority time she started with.  Family court and the other professionals involved don't see the impact, the need and the urgency as we do, we who have lived it.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[clover528]

Foreverdad,

The court is what scares me the most. He has no legal rights to D at this point. We were never married. He wasnt at her birth. Never signed the birth certificate. Legally, he has no ground unless or until he pursues it. He has never given me a dime for her care or ever pursued visitation of her. His focus has always been on me. In hindsight, seducing me, and using me for what he needed, or wanting me to " move back home". I am focused on safety right now. I dont know what to do about the PO. i am fearful he will retaliate more if I take him to court. I am thinking I should wait this out and not take him to court. Then again, I dont want to not have a legal leg to stand on. If the judge grants the order long term. It could help with custody issues in the future should he pursue it. Im really at odds with what to do.

[ForeverDad]

Thanks for the clarification.  Clearly I wasn't aware of the background of your current troubles.

A box of items he had. He destroyed  most of the things. Cut up pictures. One of me pregnant where he cut out my stomach area of the photo. Other crossed out my eyes only. Some other items that were significant for us he included but wrote on them with black marker or cut them up.  I am shaken but i am ok. I am protecting myself as much as I can.

This concerns me.  This is unbalanced thinking and indicates a higher risk of danger.  He's not just messed up, he's twisted and possibly dangerous.  Him crossing out your eyes is an attack on you, but cutting out your belly in a pregnant photo could be seen as an attack on your child also.  Don't just save these as documentation, they might help you if he later seeks any form of parental contact or parenting.  I think a professional needs to see them so he won't later claim you tampered with them yourself to justify later claims, allegations, etc.

[MammaMia]

Clover

What is your attorney doing about the situation?  What legal advice are you getting with regard to your safety?

[livednlearned]

If your attorney recommends you get a PO -- because it is strategically helpful to you -- then do it. And then take every measure possible to protect yourself. Especially after you have the PO served, or when you leave or enter the court house.

Talk to law enforcement about the pictures, if you need, and get as much information as possible about what you can do to protect yourself and your child.

It's actually a good thing that he has a gf. Take that as a positive.

[clover528]

I havent spoken to my attorney about the latest issue. He advised to get the PO. but referred me to another attorney for family law to address the situation at hand and possible custody issues.  I had to reschedule the appointment with her because she had court to attend at the time of our appt.This is all happening at warp speed seems like. Since I told him I no longer wanted the relationship it had gone from bad to worse.

I had not even considered him saying I had tampered with the photos etc. I should get it documented. I am going to contact the police and have them come out here. There is also his boot print outside my bedroom window. He hit the window the morning he left the box outside. Maybe they can take a picture of that to prove I am not lying about how that happened. I also got almost 15 of the same message after he left it saying it was outside. Over and over for about an hour after the knock on the window. i have it all saved. I have the messages and emails on disc as well as printed versions.

thanks again for all the advice. I obviously am in need of moving quicker on these matters. I am just so nervous and unsure. Add that to the responsibilities i have daily and my head is spinning most of the time.

[clover528]

Just an update: As of today i havent received any additional threats. I have received about two to four calls each day with a few messages. The messages all say " I hate you ... . I truly hate you... . " etc. but basically short and not so sweet. Just "I hate you". I also got a phone call yesterday from a very strange number. I didnt answer, but thought I would call it back to see if it was some sales person or something of that sort. A female voice answered. I didnt speak but hung up. They called back immediately but I rejected the call. They also called again an hour or so later. Again I never answered. I think he possibly borrowed someones phone. He has no idea if I have received his messages these last three weeks or if I even have the same number. I have been diligent in not responding. could be that he is fishing for answers. That is what I think anyway. I am not answering any numbers I dont recognize. and immediately blocking those as well.

As for the rest, I am going to court house Tuesday to speak to someone in the county attorneys office and the division of domestic violence. I would go Monday but have too many responsibilities to handle here. I am safe and taking care of my family and D. thank you all for the acvice and prompting questions. I really appreciate everyones input.

[babyducks]

As for the rest, I am going to court house Tuesday to speak to someone in the county attorneys office and the division of domestic violence.

Brave thing to do clover.   One step at a time.  One day at time you will get there.   Give yourself credit for being responsible and doing the hard stuff.

[Clearmind]

Good news Clover!

[clover528]

babyducks,

Thank you for the encouragement. Quite honestly, I can seem brave but in truth im terrified. If he slows his temper down I am afraid I will not do it. I am in such denial still to some degree. My children are my strength and reason right now. I am hurting more than I ever imagined possible. I cry every time i am afforded time to. I wonder what happened to my best friend and the man I loved. Hell the man I still love. I am angry at him for a dozen reasons. Hurt for a dozen more. I am an absolute mess. I got my obligatory " I hate you clover" this morning. then a little while ago he decided he needed to say more... .

" The things you have said and done to me are permanent. You cant take them back. I will never be your (his name) again. I hate you clover".

I am so upset over all this. I know i can never be with this man. He is unpredictable at best and dangerous at the worst.  18 years he was in my life. How could I not know before now? I am having a hard day today. I have some serious healing to do. I have so many things i want to say to him. I want to reach out and make him feel better. How sick is that? codepency running amok today. At least I recognize it and am not doing anything about it. I am searching for my inner strength and peace as well. I am a prayerful person. I pray often. Today, I am praying for me.  Thanks for reading and responding.

[clover528]

Clearmind,

I have good days and bad. But I can say without a doubt you and all the wonderful people here have made this more bearable. The advice is priceless. I am struggling today. But I know tomorrow will be better, and I will keep on keeping on. Thank you for the encouragement and all your advice. You really helped me regain focus on myself and finding my inner truth and healing. I hope I get there. thank you again.