BPD Alcoholic Wife w/ Chidlren WHAT IS BEST FOR OUR FAMILY?

[confusedhubby]

I am the husband of a diagnosed BPD wife. She was diagnosed last year but is in denial about her serious problem.

I want to start off by saying that not everyone with BPD is the same. There seems to be a tendency of some to try and place them into exact cookie cutter categories. My experience has been that there are distinct differences of the manifestations of the illness though the currents of behavior tend to be similar. I recount my story below in the hopes that fellow family members may see patterns similar to there own experiences and comment on what I may expect in the future.

I was married to my BPD wife for 14 years. At the beginning, our relationship was incredible! She was recent graduate from Harvard Business School and an up and coming executive at a large consulting firm.  We had an incredible close relationship with healthy intimacy and a great deal of love.  However over time (10 years) things began to deteriorate significantly with her. Slowly she began to withdraw. It got so bad that it would make her anxious if I were to merely touch her. I believed that she was depressed and tried everything I could to help her. The nightmare for me started about 4 years ago. My wife had begun to act very oddly around year 7 of our marriage and by year 10 her behavior had begun to prevent her from being able to function. She was always anxious, pacing endlessly, self harming herself (pulling out her hair, chewing her nails to the skins etc) and having a hard time just getting simple tasks completed. Every time she would become like this I would try and talk to her but it was no use. She would deny there was anything wrong with her or claim she did not know what I was talking about. So one day I got a brilliant idea. I decided to video tape her anxious behavior so that next time she denied knowing what I was talking about, I could show he the video. Things did not turn out as I expected.

When I went to actually video tape her the next time she was acting oddly, a complete transformation of her behavior occurred. The moment she saw I was video taping her the odd behaviour suddenly stopped! It was amazing. She immediately became "normal" and nothing seemed to be wrong with her at all! When I realized what had happened I was horrified! Here was my life partner who for years had denied her anxious destructive behavior and all along she was not only aware of it but had the ability to actually stop it (or at least hide it)!  At first I did not say anything as it took a while for this to register in my head.   

Then one day shortly afterwards, when my wife went to pick up our 3 and 4 year old girls from school the principal would not let her take the kids home. Seems she was acting too odd and they did not think the children were safe with her. I decided that I had to figure out what was going on. So I purchased an expensive hidden camera and installed it in our house. What I found out was very disturbing. The video from the camera indicated that my wife  did not appear to be suffering from depression but rather had become a serious alcoholic. She would awake at 6 AM to look after the kids and immediately begin to drink vodka from a bottle! When I confronted her with what I knew she at first repented and begged for my help. She told me she had become a monster and wanted to stop. However a short while later she became furious that I was aware of her secret. Soon after Child Welfare Department entered our lives.  My wife was told repeatedly by the authorities that if she did not quit drinking the children would be removed from her custody.  Finally the government forced her to move out of our house and we had our first break up. She was charged with child neglect and endangerment but still would not stop drinking. She began to date someone. However as her case with Child Welfare Dept. progressed she realized that the children would be permanently removed from her. She decided to go into rehab. She and I began to reconcile, Kids and I travelled to her visit her in rehab in California to reintegrate our family. Rehab was very helpful. She looked to make astounding progressive. She opened up much of what had been going on in her life in secret. Her deceit and lying seemed to come an end. She was still in contact with the guy she was dating but decided to end the relationship and move back with us.

Upon our return home from rehab everything seemed great. Her recovery was our family priority and we all pitched in to help her in sobriety. However a few months later I found out she had actually gone and seen the ex boyfriend that she had promised to no longer contact while in rehab. I then discovered that she was begun to abuse cough syrup to become intoxicated. Again after a great deal of effort she began to make amends. She apologized and begged for my forgiveness. My wife moved to another neighborhood so kids could attend a better school district while I stayed in the our old house preparing to sell it and move in with her. During this time we would see each other regularly (every weekend and 1-2 days per weekday). Then one day out of the blue she tried to commit suicide in the same room as the children. The police came and she was involuntarily institutionalized and Child Welfare Dept. were back in our lives and she was charged a second time with child endangerment. She had to move out while she worked on getting better. After she was released from being institutionalized she began to act very reckless. Though we still considered ourselves married and were working on co-habitatting, she began to meet strangers from online. She would meet 3 or 4 a week - they would just show up to her place in the middle of the night. When I found out about this I was not pleased. But I thought to myself, it's only sex and she is depressed and doesn't know what sh is doing. As time progressed things got even worse. Her drinking got so bad that there were countless times she could not see the children. She began to cheat and lie without regard for its effects on kids and I. She began to blame me for all of her faults. Even when talking to complete strangers she would make things up and blame me for being abusive, financially ruing us, keeping kids from her etc. By any objective standard none of this could be true but it seamed like the only way she could explain her situation in life without taking any responsibility was to cast me as the villain rather than her drinking or psychiatric issues. Her manipulation and lying was by far the worse  by-product of her psychiatric issues. She would lie about everything and later on after being caught would confess the truth and beg for forgiveness. It was a never ending cycle. Things got so bad that she got a job Home Depot as a cashier but was fired because of her drinking (hard to believe that when I met her she managed 150+ people and made in excess of $250,000). Finally as the court case with Child Welfare Dept. progressed she was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation by the State and was diagnosed as BPD. However she denied this -- and continues to do so. During this entire time she claimed to be sober and not drinking. When she was caught binging repeatedly by Child Welfare Dept she ended up pleading guilty and being convicted and lost the ability to see the children unsupervised. The supervisor would have to be myself or through a family visitation center run by the State.

After her second conviction she told me that she had to find herself and was no longer interested in being with me or the children -- or s she put it "I have to find myself so I can be there for the children in the future".  She said she hated me for having tried to help her quit drinking. Then she began to serial date. By my count she must have been intimate with 20+ men in 1 month. She told me she was engaging in very risky behavior. Rape role play, heavy BDSM etc and none of it protected. It was like she had a death wish. What's worse is that all of these men were nothing like her. Some were criminal, others were low life's, yet others were alcoholics and drug users. It was as if she had a death wish. Then she said she met someone and said she had fallen in love with him after 3 weeks. Said she never felt like this in 20 years. She showers him with attention, money and gifts. Funny thing is that even though she was in love and "exclusive" with this new man she was cheating on him like crazy behind his back. She told me a while ago she thinks she may have become a sex addict.

Now we have filed for divorce and have very little contact. She now says she wants to see the children but her chances are next to zero. Child services have labeled her a high risk repeat offender. What's even worse is that by my calculation she is drinking in excess of 1 liter of vodka a day (about a quart). For a woman who ways only 130 lbs that an incredible amount.  her patterns of speech, appearance, behavior all come across as that of a junkie. Though I should hasten to add that when she meets someone she is able to hide it and look normal -- just like she did when I video taped her.  Things got so bad that I had to stop all communications between herself and our children as she was calling them to say good night drunk and it was confusing the kids. Other times she would call the kids from night clubs with men's voices in the background telling her to "hurry up". When she was able to have coherent conversations with the children she would say very inappropriate things to them )like having a new friend in her life and being in love etc). After talking with some therapists I just said enough was enough. She has no regard for what she is doing to the children and continued contact is just hurting them. What's even worse is that when we speak she admits to me all of her destructive behavior even though we are in an adversarial divorce (personally I think she wishes to get caught at what she is doing so as to self destruct).

About 5 weeks ago we went on to have very low contact. She was allowed to speak with the kids (age 6 & 7) a couple of times but only after I could be certain she was sober (or coherent enough). She called me the other day saying she loved me and wanted to come back. But a minute later was blaming me for all of her problems and saying how she had found the meaning of true love with her new boyfriend. In the few times we do talk she tells me she will always love me but we can never be together again because I was horribly abusive to her. It's like she says she has feelings for me yet she makes up fantastic lies about me. She now says she wants to see the children and is going to fight for it I court. Given what has happened with her I am asking the court to give me sole legal custody with her having no say in there upbringing. My attorney has said that I will most likely attain this.

My problem however is what should be my end goal? Should I try and force her into long term substance abuse rehab / BPD therapy so that she could hopefully one day see our children? At this stage is this realistic? Should I break off all contact and move on for the best interest of the children and myself? Should I make an attempt to reconcile?   Is this new man her new long term enabler or just another user passing by .Is all of this moot as there is a chance she may die prematurely from either her reckless behavior or alcoholism? Can she really change? I am a pacifist by nature and recognize that one of the factors that got me into this mess is my soft caring side and allowing myself to be manipulated. If anyone has insight based on there experiences on any of this I would deeply appreciate your comments.

[GreenMango]

Whoa CH-

That's a lot to deal with all the way around for you, the kids and her.

Your wife is very ill.  I don't think you've missed that - sometimes it helps to hear someone else say it too.

You asked:

My problem however is what should be my end goal?

Yourself and your children at this point.  Your guys' welfare.  I know the urge to help someone we love but they have to want that help.  What would you like if she can't get it together?  What would you like if she can?


Should I try and force her into long term substance abuse rehab /BPD therapy so that she could hopefully one day see our children?

Barring involuntary commital you can't force her into anything.  You can only let the consequences be known and allow her to make her choices as screwed up as they maybe.


At this stage is this realistic?

Not really because it sounds like she hasn't hit bottom.  She's got options that allow her to continue to make these choices.

Should I break off all contact and move on for the best interest of the children and myself?

I can't answer this - the Choosing a Path Lesson can help you discern if the relationship is one you want or can function in.  It's good to talk to a therapist about how this will affect the kids.  Bottomline you are all they have if she self destructs and she can do some serious damage to them in the meantime.

Should I make an attempt to reconcile?

Pardon my bluntness, reconcile with a gallon a day alcoholic who refuses to accept that something is wrong enough to make a committed effort?  what would be the goal in reconciling? What would be your terms?


Is this new man her new long term enabler or just another user passing by?

Could be.  Could be someone who doesn't get in the way of the addiction or require anything.  Does it matter it sounds like its not okay with you your wife has a boyfriend.


Is all of this moot as there is a chance she may die prematurely from either her reckless behavior or alcoholism?

Moot in what way? Like why bother trying?  BPD can present in self destructive ways like this.

Can she really change?

Yes but she has to want to.  It will be painful.  She can't get treatment for the BPD until she's been sober.  So its has two parts to treatment and they both will take time.



CH you and your kids have a lot to deal with here.  It's a huge problem, huge decision, and the choices you make are going to have longrange implications. 

Do you have a therapist? And supportive family friends?  Your support system is essential.  Another thing - what about al-anon?