What's the best way to leave a relationship with a BPD?

[eternity75]

 I'm new here... . this is my story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205412.0

I have tried leaving this relationship many times now. Most breakups didn't last longer than a day... . some two... . and once I made it a week without talking to him. But everything I know tells me I need to leave... . and make it permanent.

It may be easier to some extent because we are long distance. He lives 5 hours away. I guess what I struggle with is how to do it. Is one way any better than the other? IThe thought has occurred to me to just keep allowing his cheating, don't push to try and see him, and eventually he will become bored with me and he'll break it off himself in which case I can just say "ok". The problem in my mind with this is why should I wait? Why should I allow him to have the upper hand in this?

But at the same time I feel like I am hurting him by breaking up with him... . and at the times when he tells me he no longer wants to live sometimes... . I feel extremely empathetic, guilty etc. I really do not want to hurt him on a deep level. I want him to feel remorse I guess... . but not to an extreme that he feels that much pain inside.

I keep wondering: Do I break up with him and tell him it's just not working anymore? Do I hack his facebook again and provide him with a reason (because I know there will be more evidence since the last time), or do I sit back and let him become bored or whatever and do the breaking up himself? Providing him with reasons has worked in the past but it was my fault for giving in. And I have made it clear this time he is on his last chance... . no more... .

Right now we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks. We talk every day on the phone and from all (outside) appearances things are just cruising along smoothly. Mostly because I have completely stopped reacting to his lies or finding more evidence of his cheating. I have almost detached. His "i love you's" are feeling like empty words now. I am making no plans to see him and I'm keeping my weekends busy with other people in my life instead of planning things around him and the next time I could potentially see him. I feel like breaking up now would be a shock to him because I am sure in his mind everything is just fine now.

Any advice?

[Clearmind]

E75, lots of talk about him and his feelings. This maybe part of your hurdle to finding your self worth. Busy concerning yourself about him and not you.

You can still be a nice person and of value by choosing you.

[allinthesmall]

Oh Clearmind, well said! I may get that tattooed somewhere I can see it as needed. 

[eternity75]

Clearmind you are right. I do consider him and his feelings more. I don't know how to stop doing this. My whole life I have always considered other people's feelings more than mine. My father was very abusive and a raging BPD who put extreme fear into our whole family. I don't know how to make my feelings matter. I get anxiety when I think about people being upset with (or by) me... .

[Scout99]

Clearmind you are right. I do consider him and his feelings more. I don't know how to stop doing this. My whole life I have always considered other people's feelings more than mine. My father was very abusive and a raging BPD who put extreme fear into our whole family. I don't know how to make my feelings matter. I get anxiety when I think about people being upset with (or by) me... .

Dear eternity75!

I can so sympathize with you... . Am not as far down the line as you with my BPDbf, but I so recognize the pattern of how cheating becomes a medication for feared future abandonment from the person they truly love... .

How unfair is it not that their "solution" becomes our hurt... .

My bf have not yet started cheating for real, he has just threatened our r/s with it, but he seems to be planning to take it further... . Just like in your case the reason he keeps coming back to is the distance... . Ours is only three hours by car or train... . It is in truth really nothing... . But when he gets dysregulated, that becomes blown totally out of proportion, and he looses control and starts to fret... .

Being the survivor of a r/s with a NPD man, I have however come a bit further on my work on myself, which makes it at least a bit easier to create boundaries for myself, and I guard my heart to some degree, not to fall into the trap of co-dependence or let myself into the dance of walking on eggshells... . At least not as much as I used to... .

Therapy does help. And I don't mean therapy for them, but for you!

The thing is... . It is normal to feel bad about hurting other people and find it uncomfortable when others don't like what you do or say... . It is normal. so we don't do it to every person we meet... .

You know... . he should too... . I mean I hurt just by the very thought of him even thinking about cheating because he feels sorry for himself about not being able to see me often enough... . How much more doesn't it hurt, when they really act on it and do cheat... .

That should make him uncomfortable about hurting you... . But instead he wants you to feel bad for not being able to stand more and more pain... . He obviously can't stand any pain... . why else would he cheat... . So how could he ask more of you?

I am not one to give advice when it comes to staying or leaving... . I know I don't live as I learn anyway... .

But if you feel that you need out... . Then listen to that voice, because that is you trying to tell you what you need... . And you are worth it!

I am working up the courage as we speak to try and find a way to somehow make it very clear, boundary clear to my bf, that if he moves on his cheating plans... . then he will loose me... . I am out of options soon, because it wears me down... . And that has to stop... . Either by him stopping or me going... .

I am an incurable optimist and equal romantic. And I refuse to believe it is impossible to make a r/s work with a person who has BPD. But I realize more and more, that it is all about boundaries and they have to be really firm... . But it is up to them to choose to accept them... . that is to accept me... . And if not accepted, then it will not work. Sad but so far it seems to be true... . And I believe I may fail with this man whom I love so much because I cannot state and keep my boundaries firm enough... . It is the only way we can help them too... .

My heart goes out to you for the journey you have ahead... . But I believe if you follow what is truly in your heart, regardless of him, that you will create a better future for yourself! Truly I do... .

scout99

[Clearmind]

Clearmind you are right. I do consider him and his feelings more. I don't know how to stop doing this. My whole life I have always considered other people's feelings more than mine. My father was very abusive and a raging BPD who put extreme fear into our whole family. I don't know how to make my feelings matter. I get anxiety when I think about people being upset with (or by) me... .

My father was too E75 and I certainly see how it has affected my adult life.

My relationship with my father was deeply enmeshed and so was my relationship with my partner - when we are that close knit there is no room for free thought and instead we placate to please and keep the peace. Are you doing things for yourself, setting small boundaries were you can to get some practice.

I will feel terribly vulnerable setting boundaries and yes fear will kick in - we need to push through it - because this is our childhood abandonment fears kicking in.

My suggestion would be to separate yourself from the enmeshment - hobbies, doing lots of things without hubby, setting small boundaries to get some practice and push through the uncomfortableness of it all. Fear is driving your actions and emotions.

Are you seeking therapy for your abusive childhood - I cannot recommend it enough - its amazing how a BPD parent can affect their kids - especially father/daughter r/s - greatly impacts on our romantic relationships.

Feel free to also post on the Healing Board to process BPDd

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To answer your original query:

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder