Advice on coping with the push/pull cycle?

[Valentina]

My uBPD husband really confuses me. He breaks up with me over the most petty little disagreements, and moves out of our home. He changes his mind a few days-couple of weeks later, and begs me to work things out with him. He tells me that he wants to love me, respect me, and appreciate me-things that he knows I have always wanted from him, but never got.  He tells me he wants to take care of me and take me out on dates, because he has not done that in our relationship. He cries telling me he has changed and he would do anything for me. He tells me how much he loves me and can’t live without me. 

Usually, I have a change in heart and tell him that if we are going to work it out, I want to go very slowly with him. But it seems that as soon as I’ve shown that I will take him back, he instantly changes. It’s like he gets annoyed at me because apparently I’m playing games with him. He will talk aggressively at me and become demanding and a bit arrogant. It’s like he just wanted to chase after me, and once he has me back, he gets bored. 

I always end up taking him back, because I feel like once I’ve told him I’ll give me a chance to work things out, I feel bad changing my mind. It feels like I am playing games if I do change my mind, even though he changes as soon as I tell him we will work on us.

When he does move in, he is back to his old self again. No love, no respect, no appreciation. Nothing from him. The moment something doesn’t go his way, he is out of the house again. Sometimes this cycle of leaving me, begging to come back, leaving me again, happens within a few days.  Any advice on how to deal with this behaviour? I don’t know the best way to approach this, so any advice will help.

[Validation78]

Hi Valentina!

It sounds like you might be expecting him to have changed when he comes back, which is not a terrible thing to expect, under normal circumstances. However, if he has BPD, it is not normal, and he won't change unless he gets help, very specialized help, and works towards change. So, the onus is on you to make changes. I know, it seems unfair doesn't it? Well, it is, and it is also the only thing you have control over. You can't make him do anything, but you can learn to make some changes that may help.

Sounds like you could use some help with boundaries. If there are no consequences to his behaviors, he will repeat them, over and over. Boundaries are not rules for someone else, they are rules for ourselves, and when we decide what our values and boundaries are, we must also decide what the consequences are for someone who crosses them.

Have you read through the lessons on the staying board? I think you will find them very helpful, in that you will learn more about BPD, and communication tools that may help things to get better!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Valentina]

Thanks for the advice, Validation78; very much appreciated 

[mybabyssick]

Val78, "Have you read through the lessons on the staying board? I think you will find them very helpful, in that you will learn more about BPD, and communication tools that may help things to get better!"

I personally have the same exact situation as Valentina. But the communication tools are not really compatible with this BPD behavior. When they leave like this the only boundary you can set is not to let them come back. So our only choice at this point is to end the relationship and hope they don't find someone else instead of seeking help and learning how to control it. Also with this leaving behavior it means that they aren't wanting to face their relationship issues they're just leaving when they have to put forth an effort. So the chances of them putting forth an effort to change themselves is very slim in order to learn how to stick it out and face the music.

Mybabyssick

[Validation78]

Hi MyBaby!

What's at the core of The Lessons is making changes in ourselves by learning communication skills like SET, DEARMAN, and validation. If we're dealing with pwBPD, it is imperative for us, the healthier ones, to be the emotional leaders. It's not fair, I know, however, since we cannot control what others do, if we are to have any impact in the relationship, we have to do the work ourselves. There is hope for the pwBPD, however, they are unlikely to be able to control their own behavior without a genuine commitment to a DBT program, which is highly successful, and takes several years.

You are correct in that the boundary you can set in this case is to not allow them to come back until you are ready. There is something that many members have tried called a therapeutic separation. The point of the time apart is not to separate permanently, but to work on ourselves (both parties) with the assistance of a T, and an understanding of how the process will work.

The point I was trying to make with Valentina is, that simply taking H back, without making any real changes, either of them, will likely result in a repeat performance of previous behaviors. None of this is easy, and the decision to hang in there or to call it quits is personal and different for everyone!

Does that help a bit?

Best Wishes,

Val78