I literally feel trapped...

[Awesome Jim]

I'm laying here at 2:30 in the morning literally feeling like driving home from my ex gfs house because I've agreed once again to spend the long weekend with her. We are heading out of town all day tomorrow for her niece's birthday and then there's supposed to be some packing of her house for when painters arrive next week and we will inevitably spend time at her parent's house as well.

I feel trapped because I am not at home (an hour away), I will be on her time table and captive because I won't have my car, I have no idea (as usual) what the plans or schedule are for the weekend, if I complain about any of it I will be made fun of or to feel guilty, and I won't be able to do most things I want - like run or work out.

I literally feel like getting into my car right now and leaving. I can't compell myself to do that though because I promised to drive her dad's car out to her parent's place tomorrow because it's in the shop. It's not his fault I feel trapped when I'm around his daughter (uBPD/NPD).

I knew I shouldn't have let her talk me into coming right from work and for the whole weekend. I feel completely trapped.  It's an unhealthy relationship (we aren't dating or intimate but she treats me like we're married but refers to me as her "brother", I am fully aware but I guess I somehow feel obligated towards her, and ultimately I am mad at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated and used and that I cannot seem to just walk away forever from this charade. It's been 5 or 6 years since we were 'dating' - I can't even tell you when we stopped dating and became 'freinds' because it's changed so gradually and so many times over the years I don't know which way is up.

I feel suffocated .

[waverider]

Have you spent any substantial time away from her? It seems as though you have got into some kind of auto pilot habit and are having difficulties breaking the pattern.

Why do you care what she thinks when you want to do what you want? As you say she has no "real" hold on you, other than her persuasiveness and your over obliging nature.

[Vindi]

i feel for you, you did say you were not dating, maybe its more being like "roommates"? you still have that connection with her though, cuz you are with her. Time to start making and setting boundaries, start doing things for YOU, and worrying less about her. Its awful that you have to spend a whole weekend, when by your writings, you sound like you just want to escape and be alone for a bit. Try to spend more time on your own, and using the word NO more often. Say NO please yourself, not YES to please others. Stick with boundaries, set them and spend time alone... . this could be a new awakening path if you try these things.

[Awesome Jim]

Thanks Vindi. I agree completely with what you are saying and I have gotten a lot better at saying no with her. I was just mad at myself for getting duped again. I mean she was adamant "bring your workout gear - you can run and to to the gym when you want - oh and bring your work clothes cuz I may want to keep you till Monday".

I think I still spend time with her because I feel sorry for her - sorry that her disorder has rendered her socially inept in many ways. I am still close with her parents, sisters, and son. It's not healthy and it's gone on for years. I miss them all, including her, tremendously when I am away during the week and in general. I need to get my own life back in order and it can't include her/them - she's an ex gf, so how can I move on and date someone else with her around?

I know, and have for a long time, what I need to do but I just can't seem to find the fortitude to do it.

[Vindi]

just take baby steps on freeing yourself from her, and the goal should be completely ending the relationship... . you need to get your own life back as you said... . take time for you and no it does not have to include her, think of the hobbies you have or start some hobbies, and spend time with your own family and friends. You can do this, you just need to start.

You say she is an ex gf, but seems like she is still in your life as a gf... . its probably not best to even start dating (other gals), cuz you are still locked in with her, even if its just friends.

Start off small, doing something for yourself and not include her, and then build up by doing things for yourself each day, just one thing, then as weeks go on, you can start doing more for you.

your ex is trying to pull at your stings, she says something then you agree with it, she probably knows you will not say no.

I don't want to sound harsh, but start saying no, and getting your life back, that's the only way you will get it back is by saying no more often and "being busy" with life and having your own life.

It takes steps, small steps, but you can do this if you really put your heart and mind into it.

[Awesome Jim]

So this weekend is the start of two weeks off of work for me with a 4 day trip to NYC in the middle where I like to go every 6 months to get away from my life here. This weekend, as with most, I don't hear from her all week until Friday where she asks if I have plans this weekend which I purposely made sure I do, but she asks me to come to her son's soccer games Saturday anyway. I mentioned I am going to a concert Sunday night in the city (Toronto) and that I wanted to hit the gym Sunday instead of Monday so it lines up with my trip plans for next Thursday to Sunday (I do one last trip to the gym Wednesday so all I'll do down there is run a couple of times in Central Park).

So as usual she calls me first thing Saturday morning (7:30) to make sure I'm up and coming to her place. I got up early to watch the last half hour of a movie I rented online the night before but fell asleep during. She got mad when she found out that I wasn't arriving at 9:00 buy instead at 9:30 (half hour before the game) as I was sure I agreed to. So after the movie I showered, packed, and left for her place at 8:15 AM to get to her place in an hour even though I'm exhausted from a week of work and I notice a text from her when I stopped for coffee saying "no worries about coming... . enjoy your trip... . see you in a couple of weeks". I'm thinking 'are you kidding?' - we're talking about minor differences on the timeline for when I arrive. So I kept driving and tried over and over to call her to reconfirm and now she's not picking up her home phone nor her cell. She's done this before but this time I'm adamant she's going to deal with the consequences of her drama-making - as in I'm showing up in person as originally planned, too bad, so sad. So I finally get her son on her cell and he tells me where his game is so I show up and she's all non challant "oh hi" and proceded to read a book (she never reads) while practially ignoring me.

So she lightened up a bit over the course of the day but as usual tires me out beyond belief and doesn't ensure myself or her son are properly fed - that ends up being me who is concerned about that plus we end up aimlessly shopping for tile and and other things for her home since she is doing some major renoes this summer. Even the movie we took her son to she ended up taking us there too late the first time so we had to wait another hour to see another showing because it was sold out when we got there because it was all about her schedule and her choices for the day.

So we left the movie, which we saw during the normal time for dinner, and we were supposed to go for dinner but instead she and her son ate junk food during the movie while I abstained and then on the way home she stopped for a 7/11 slurpee for her and her son - so unhealthy - and poorly timed with dinner.

So when we got home we ended up sitting around on the couch and I was exhausted from the whole day of randomness and endless shopping and not eating right and she kept telling me to sit back and relax or whatever so I finally just said "I'm really tired and getting a headache so I think I'm just gonna go home tonight". I felt soo bad on one side because I had told her son I'd stay over night a couple hours earlier when he asked but I just got that same feeling of feeling trapped - like not on my schedule or choices or whatever and knew that if I relaxed on the couch and fell asleep she would try and scare while I was sleeping like she often does or make fun of me for falling asleep early and that we didn't seem to be planning to eat any time soon even though it was approaching 8:00 PM. I just got up and said "sorry guys, I'm just wiped and getting a headache. I'll see you when I get back from NY or whatever". I felt really cold just getting up and leaving but I just couldn't take anymore controlling and bossy behaviour and she had been rather cold to me all day all because she thought I hadn't listened to her the day before but I swear we agreed to meet at his game at 9:30 just like I had arranged my timelines the night before etc.

I feel bad but my therapist told me I need a vacation because of my short temperedness lately and because I hadn't had any rest all winter and spring. Also at that point last night I decided it was time to start taking care of me. I fell asleep in the movie briefly which was a sign I never really got enough sleep the night before and that I'd already had a long day.

I think it upset her son and her and I feel bad but I just felt suffocated - like I was going to unravel at any minute. Is that crazy?