Do you have that one story that you can't/won't forgive?Does it leave you stuck?

[DreamGirl]

One of the best books I've read for Stepmom's/Mom's is called No One's the B*tch -A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship and in that book it discusses that "one" story that you tell over and over again. The story that painted your perception of the other person from that point on.

I have that story. It's been ten years and the feelings I have about it remain the same. It's the story of during their divorce, she took the girls out of school on a Friday and traveled 45 miles to pick up her pen-pal-convicted-felon boyfriend (of two months) on the day he was released from a 2 year stint in prison. It was the first time they ever met. He moved into her house... . and with the girls... . that day. He was allowed more time with my husband's children then my husband was.

My (now) husband filed for an immediate change in custody and the motion was denied. According to the State, it was okay to do what she did because this man had never committed a crime against a child.

I stand in complete judgement of her today as I did back then.

She's apologized. She's even told me that she was not in the right frame of mind. I've even told her that I'm so glad that she came to her senses and that she was better then all of that.

I just wonder what would happen if my writing that story above was the last time I ever told that story?

I think there is value in respecting and honoring the mother of my stepchildren. She is disordered but she is human and doing the best she can. She still makes choices that tend to be more in the best interest of her... . rather then the best interest of the children... . but that usually is the way it goes when you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.

What are your thoughts?

Do you have that one story that discounts any progress you've ever made as far as forging a productive parenting relationship?

Would it help to let it go?

[Free One]

Great topic! I think this applies to all sorts of scenarios, not just step-parenting.

[DreamGirl]

Great topic! I think this applies to all sorts of scenarios, not just step-parenting.

Absolutely!

Just thinking in terms of "the other household".

[momtara]

No reason to stop telling that story.  It's a good example of what can happen.

I am curious:  The fact that she knows that her actions were wrong, is a good sign.  What kind of treatment did she get that helped her to come so far?

[DreamGirl]

I am curious:  The fact that she knows that her actions were wrong, is a good sign.  What kind of treatment did she get that helped her to come so far?

She was going thru a highly stressful time in her life. When the winds died down... . when the divorce was final and the ink had dried... . the relationship dwindled and her perspective changed. Her knight in shining armor... . was in fact a convicted-felon who couldn't hold down a job. They broke up.

The pattern still exists (knights in shining armor) but the kids are older. The schedule is 50/50 and she can pull the kids out of school if she wants to... . and it's obviously not a hill to die on... . but the relationship with the hubs is one where she probably wouldn't because they are in a much better place.

The wounds have healed over time.

And I don't want to tell the story anymore. I feel like it digresses my own healing/forward motion. Why ruminate about something that happened a decade ago?

[Free One]

No reason to stop telling that story.  It's a good example of what can happen.

I think what DG is getting to with this post is that we all tend to replay stories of our lives, either in our heads or to friends and families. Sometimes these stories can be distorted thinking or keep us stuck in something unhealthy. Letting go of these stories helps us move forward and heal.

[NorthernGirl]

Hi DreamGirl. This is a good topic and got me thinking. I've read about how people get caught up in their own "story" and it is hard to move forward. I can see how having a story about DH's ex (UBPD) would also have an impact.

The story that changed my perception of DH's ex is when she bought her youngest a Christmas present but gave the two other sons nothing. She was punishing the middle son for wanting to live with DH more. And because the oldest was already living with DH, he got caught in the punishment. In the months before that I suspected there was something not quite right, but I thought most of her anger was directed at DH. That one incident changed how I viewed her as a Mom. I couldn't believe how she had hurt her kids especially at that special time of year, which is a time I see being all about family and caring.

After Christmas, the oldest asked his Mom to go for lunch and said he calmly explained that what she had done wasn't right. He said she screamed at him and told him she was an amazing mother and he had never given her credit for all the good things she had done. She never apologized or even acknowledged not giving him a gift. The youngest still frets over Christmas presents and asks us to count to make sure he gets the same as his brothers.

I've used the story in the past with the kids' therapists to help them see what the kids faced. Often DH's ex would demand that she had to talk with a T first, and she would tell the T that DH was a horrible father, how the oldest son was a bully, etc. So by the time DH met the T, they would be suspicious. So I would tell this story or similar ones, the boys would acknowledge what happened, and the T would be more open to what DH had to say.

I can see now that from that Christmas day forward, I labeled her a "Bad Mom". At the time I knew nothing about BPD. The incident was probably the catalyst for me looking more into what could be wrong, as I couldn't imagine doing what she had done. When one of the kid's therapists mentioned that DH's ex seemed to show some signs of BPD, I realized she was likely struggling with this disorder. But I'm not sure I ever gave up the Bad Mom label.

I realize now that she would have been going through a very stressful time. She likely has a huge fear of being alone. Her on and off BF never spent Christmas with her (he spent it with his own kids and never blended that). So her favorite son saying he wanted to move out a few weeks before and her oldest long gone, she must have been fearing being alone in a big way. The extra stress off the holiday would have made it all even harder.

Plus, I had come into the picture and I see now she would have been threatened by that. At the time, I didn't think I was any part of the incident since she had initiated the divorce, they had been divorced for years and this seemed to be about the kids. But she had been able to get DH to come to her home for a "family Christmas" each year since they separated. With me in the picture, that was gone. DH asked the kids and they said they hated those "fake" Christmas days so the kids split the day between parents and are much happier with that. At the time, I figured she would want to do what the kids wanted, but I know different now. So the kids were happier, but she likely wasn't.

So it would be good for me to give up the story of her being a Bad Mom that was prompted by this incident. I wish I could say I will just stop thinking about the story but I know it won't be that easy    But if I move from labelling to empathy, I will be in a better frame of mind.

[Matt]

I think there are two sides of this:  :)oes that one story (or maybe a bunch of stuff that happened in the past) have too big of a grip on you?  And does that one story (or maybe a whole pattern of behavior) deserve to be remembered, because it shows a problem that is still there?

It's all true - the worst stuff that happened and the better times.  All part of the big picture.

My most dramatic stories are from the last years of our marriage - roughly 2006-8.  Since then things have been much smoother.  But that doesn't mean any problems have been solved;  based on what I know, the dysfunction is still there and is not being treated.  What's different is that I'm not around her, and she has much less time with the kids, which means much less stress for her.  Still signs that the twisted thinking is there, but it doesn't do much damage.

I think it's a mistake to forget stuff that taught us important lessons, and also a mistake to let it dominate our lives after we have some distance.

One other thought on this... . the kids.

If not for the kids, we could all get more distance, and then those stories from years ago would really only have entertainment value.  But when there are kids involved, it is part of the challenge to help each kid grow and learn and cope with the disordered person in their lives.  It wouldn't be fair to characterize the other party based only on their worst moments, but it may also not be fair to the kids to withhold from them important stuff that we know.  I'm going through that now, with kids 15 and 16 (and older stepkids) - they're old enough to understand quite a bit, and it's information they will either learn from me, or later, the hard way.  No easy answers, at least that I know of... .

[mamachelle]

This is a good topic and I’ve been thinking about this  for a couple days and really it’s a many headed hydra in my world. If I told one story about BPDBioMom or exBPDH of that seminal moment where I formed an opinion or a lightbulb came on and  I wrote it down and burned it and sent it down the river another would appear I’m afraid. Yes, as Matt says above, there are reasons for these stories and they can be teachable for us, our kids, step kids, or others here just now in those early raw moments. I dust the stories off from time to time but they are mostly filed and not getting in the way of my healing. I think 

I do have a story though that is leaving me stuck and it’s from the supposed Nons on my DH’s side that I am starting to suspect of being something of a NPDliteMIL and enmeshed SIL.- and it is also part of the BPDBioMom/Step Mom dynamic and yes it’s really become a thorn in my paw in dealing with them who I once held in high regard.

2 years ago BPDBioMom moved away. Grandma and Aunt, both very capable, loving, and stable people-- told me that was what was best for my 3 step sons.  I told myself the same story I had told myself and they had told me from the beginning  of my marriage which was “They are family. They care. They were there for DH during his marriage and divorce. They get BPDBioMom. They understand. They love these boys and will be there to help. They know that now that Mom is gone, Mamachelle and DH will need more help from time to time and the Boys will need to be around female family members that are loving and caring as Mom has essentially abandoned them.”

Strangely, when BioMom moves away Grandma and Aunt also pull away from the boys as well compounding the loss. And my Step Sons all deal with the abandonment in the only way they know how. Two develop bipolar and start to become psychotic. Another becomes defiant.

I ask for help like 'could they take the boys for lunch on a Sunday or after school once in a while' and they don’t or they do but grudgingly after many requests. They throw attention to eachother and my niece 11 who is the perfect golden grandchild. They put more time and attention into their dogs and pilates classes. They dress alike, spend the nite at eachother’s houses. Become closer and closer.

They easily blame all mental illness on BPD BioMom. They offer to help in offhanded ways but don’t come through or do but grudgingly. While I am trying to find answers and filling out "early mental and social history" questions at therapist after therapist-- they continue to blame bio mom or infer that we (DH and I) are not disciplining enough.

The stories I tell over and over and has me stuck is that when SS15 (then 13) was rolling on the floor crying at Thanksgiving, suicidal, failing school all after BioMom had moved away, my MIL took my DH aside and said we should get SS15 a dog to help him feel better.

During that same time, my SIL (aunt) said if we gave SS15 (who is on the autism spectrum and would never take street drugs or drink) psychiatric drugs to help him cope that it would just be teaching him that drugs would be a solution to his problems.

Note: SIL is a social worker by trade but now SAHM and MIL is a nurse who works with the elderly and runs a business.

Now these stories, and others like these….have replaced any good ones that I had. I find these comments and others like these so far off the mark, so callous, so much about ignoring, burying their head in the sand and completely irresponsible that I just can't describe. To others here it may seem kind of silly that I find these terrible or inexcusable but what I see is two family members, both educated, health care workers, people DH has trusted his whole life... . basically being negligent.  I guess that is where I stand in judgement. "you two of all people should know better. You two should care more about your blood relatives. Why do we have to ask/beg for you to spend time with these kids except for when you feel a need to see them every few months. You live 10 minutes away for crissakes!"

I do hope it helps me by putting these out there and maybe I can move on.

I so so want them to change back to what I thought they were-- but they won’t. I need to make peace with that like I have with the BPD folks in my life.  I need to lower and lower my expectations of them and I do hope by letting these stories go I can somehow move on and accept those two for who they are and what role they are willing to play in raising my Step Sons.

BTW my SS are doing much better than they were 2 years ago for the most part--- but sadly with no real help from them.

mamachelle

[hell0kitty]

We have a few of those stories, but from the other side, I think SHE has a story like that.  The time she falsely accused my BF of DV because she was SO Mad at him that he was going to let me spend some time with their daughter.  It has been 3 years, and every single thing she does from that point forward has been to help make that story true.  She adds to it, repeats it over and over, even though it has been thrown out in court, she STILL tell people something different happened.  It is like she can't accept the truth that nothing happened, her ego was hurt and she needs to let go.

In a way, she and I have the same story, just different versions of it.  That is the same thing I'm mad at her about and all of her actions since.

I wonder, would this book be a good gift for a BPD person?  I've been trying to find something to give her that might help her let go of her grudge.  And she is REALLY into self help style books, just have been trying to find the perfect one.