Thank you for your warm Welcome

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 I am a 59 year old retired dental hygienist, still having                      b.      

major problems with my 80 year old problematic mother.

It has been an intense and lifelong battle, because age has

not made her more mellow, on the contrary, she has become

more angry and self-centured

I look forward to all your site may teach me to improve

the way I deal with this daily issue.

Thank you all so much.

[toothfairy]

 I am a 59 year old retired dental hygienist, still having                      b.      

major problems with my 80 year old problematic mother.

It has been an intense and lifelong battle, because age has

not made her more mellow, on the contrary, she has become

more angry and self-centured

I look forward to all your site may teach me to improve

the way I deal with this daily issue.

Thank you all so much.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, toothfairy and 

I am so glad you found us! So many of our members are dealing with BPD Moms, and will know exactly what you are going through, and what the past has been like in your life. And yes, you can learn many things here that will help you in your day to day life with her. Do you live near her? Do you see her or talk to her regularly? Do you have any siblings, or other family members who understand what you are going through?

Here are some links that may help you:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

I know that a BPD Mom is a whirlwind; my own Mom is not but my Mother-In-Law is undiagnosed BPD for sure! I'm sorry for all your pain... . What specifically is bringing you here today? Please tell us more of your story, and ask your questions so that we can know how best to help you 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi toothfairy!



I join Rapt Reader in extending my warmest welcome. It must have been tough for you growing up, and I can see it's no easier now.   The good thing is that many people here have experienced the same thing and will support you and understand you in a way no one else can.

Rapt Reader has already given you some great links. I hope you have the time to look at them, it's really helpful.

Does your mother have any insight into her disorder?

What aspect of her behaviour do you find the most difficult to live with?

Where would you like your relationship to go?

Keep posting! It really helps to know that you are far from alone. We're here for you.

[zone out]

Hi Toothfairy and welcome to the site.

I joined last month and your words 'angry' and 'self centered' so resonate with me.  My mother is in her mid 80s, and an uBPD.  She is high functioning, was able to hold down a very responsible job and can very effectively put on a front in her interaction with others - I wouldn't even know how to go about getting a diagnosis and some help for her as she won't go near the surgery and if I got her there she would pretend everything is fine.  Her contact with clinicians is always prompted by some medical emergency.

As with your mum she has not improved as she has gotten older.  I think if anything she has become more and more hostile towards me, on one occasion actually accusing me of being the reason why 'she is the way she is' - she refused to elaborate.  Reading around the site it would appear that some people mellow in old age but I think in a significant number the traits get more pronounced.

I am still new to this and don't know enough to give any advice but I can say since joining the site that I have definitely gotten stronger within myself.  As the saying goes - knowledge is power.  It is such a relief to find that so many of us have such similar experiences (keep looking out for the FM abbreviation on the boards - relates to adult children).  There is also so much information on the site - I also read the book Walking on Eggshells which was very good, if you think your mother may have BPD, its a very illuminating read.  I have also been trying 'mindfulness' which has started to help me feel better within myself.

For years I have been trying to reason with mother and have gotten nowhere .  She would often shout NO as I am just about to speak - don't lecture me etc etc. (now I understand a bit about the condition and have been swotting up on SET on the site - I can see why).  Their feelings are all consuming, they need validation that they feel the way they do.  My first attempt at SET did not go too well, I think I went a bit overboard.  I haven't got round to setting my boundaries yet but I will - mother is now a work in progress.  Once you break down the situation becomes a bit less threatening.  Having said that, most time the phone rings my heart still races.  Keep reading and posting - especially when you are having a bad time with her, it helps keep things in perspective.

All good wishes to you - I hope things improve

Zone out