Can't Be His Superman

[Gloria_Patch]

My whole life I had to deal with mental illness - with my mother. She eventually developed paranoid delusional disorder. But when she only had a personality disorder, it was so tough on a child. Most days my mother would be affectionate, extremely loving, gentle, guiding, and my whole world. But in moments of bouts of the disorder, she would turn on me at the slightest mistake. She would call me names like "witch" and accuse me of trying to hurt her. I could see her dissociate, even as a child. I could see she didn't recognize me as her daughter in those moments. Even if I cried, she sometimes wouldn't snap back to my mother. Sometimes, she did. But hours or days later, she'd be my mom again. And I'd soak in the love.

And now, I am married to a man who is mentally ill with a disorder, probably, most likely, borderline personality disorder. I am no shrink, but I have 30 years of experience. The same splitting and dissociation occurs. Most of the time, he is loving and wonderful. But when he is triggered, he goes into rages... . RAGES. And I see in his eyes the same eyes I saw in my mother. I see he no longer knows me.

Unfortunately, I probably fell in love with him, because I saw my mother's eyes in his own. I saw that hopeless, adrift love that hungers for a hero - that wants me to be that hero.

I tried to be that hero with my mother. But that failed horribly. Oh, well, I saved her. That was a success. But I burned myself. I did finish college with a B.S. in Physics. But without her, I know I would've gotten a MD. I was that kind of determined. But I took to drinking to numb the pains of hearing her talk to herself. Every time I'd ask for advice, she'd say things like, "this world is a hell." She'd imply that anything I'd ever attempt would be fruitless. I'd try to let her and her negativity go, but then she'd call and cry and say she'd die from loneliness. I failed the MCAT.

Now, I'm 30 years old and I have a husband with a mental illness. I can see the cycle of my life starting all over again. I don't want to be a hero anymore. I don't have it in me. And I am so alone. With the mentally ill, you always are.

And the pain and damage they cause is irreversible.

But leaving them is like leaving a starving child out in the desert. If you take them, it will slow you and you both will die. But it is extraordinarily hard to turn around, walk away, and know that that child will die.

But I'm dying. I'm dying.

[GreenMango]

It's okay to save yourself.


Take the MCAT again girl!  See what pans outs. It's never too late to change your life.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Take the MCAT again after studying for it. 

My son is starting med school next week, so I know how challenging the entire med school app process is. 

How is your cum GPA and BCMP GPA? 

[Gloria_Patch]

Thanks for the support and encouragement. I'm afraid medical schools don't take older applicants very often. Plus, I can hardly remember Biology or Chem or especially Organic Chem. My GPA is 3.5. And congratulations to your son, SadWife!

But I am studying for the LSAT. Law schools are more accepting of older students. My GPA is at a good range for law admissions.  Wish me luck