New plan of action... I hope :/

[LivingTheNightmare]

Well since it was last night that my dad said he'd get a restraining order on ex-uBPDg if she came back to me, and mom said I would have to move out if I took her back my best mate, who is the one I visited in Brighton for a week, has said tonight that he'll do whatever it takes to keep her away from me even if I end up hating him for it, because he knows I can't be with her any longer and she's already changed who I am... . in fact these were his exact messages:

'You're being ridiculous, stop yourself before it gets to far, you never abandoned her and I feel like you've in some way decided That she has this illness way more than she does to justify her actions. She doesn't deserve you to look after her and you have no obligation too. You're reading far too far into it and underestimating yourself. Did you not learn any lessons from what me and my friend and even my dad said to you? You need to work out yourself first and being with her, If I'm truly honest, made you into someone you never were meant to be and someone I never thought you would be mate. You're your own person and all this hit has suppressed your dreams and creativity and it breaks my heart to see a girl do that to you. You could be great and you know it, don't let yourself get dragged down the wrong path'

'No your dreams haven't changed and there is no way to stop talking to her you just have to ease it gently and drift apart that's how it Works, my dad still occasionally talks to all of his ex's but one day things just change and you meet someone better but your dreams will always be there. And mate if me stopping you being with her had to be to the level that you hated me for it then I'd do it for Your own good.'

This guy's been my best mate for the duration of my relationship with her, if any outsider would understand it's him... . he knows everything that's happened and I think he's right :/ But I miss her so damn much!

So, I'm going to try and ignore her... . somehow :/ but I'm worried about what will happen if she does come back to me, I won't be able to turn her down... . I'm really getting quite worried about where I'm going to be in a year from now :/

So... . how do I forget? What do I do? Is there really no way that her and I could work this out? What do you guys think?

And I apologize for the amount of threads posted today, I've spent most of the last 48 hours concerning myself with all of this :/

[goldylamont]

couple of things--what's your greatest fear about leaving this girl? that you will never find someone better? i think this is a good time to think about and share what you fear most, can you do that for us? then we can look at this fear and see that it's rooted in lies (supplied by her? you? both?)

two--you have a **great** friend and ally on your side. someone that has known you, seen how things are affecting you and thinks highly enough of you to write you that note. Know this--that girl and you are not ever going to be together and be happy, ever--please do not lose such a good friendship with your guy friend over someone who only means to do you harm. The *truth* is he's your friend. The *lie* is whatever she's selling. you have to start living your life for truth.

and, it's fine that it hurts, it hurts all of us. don't beat yourself up about feeling hurt--and you will feel more and more hurt the further you get away from her b/c you won't be able to lean on the fantasy that things will work out. you hurting is the first stage of recovery, so it's ok. during this time though, don't push away the *real* people in your life who will be there for you when this girl is off destroying some other person. do what you were meant to do, what you were planning to do before this person ever came into your life

[LivingTheNightmare]

Hey, thanks for the quick reply!

My greatest fear? In all honesty, it's that one of the reasons I could understand her so much, is because I'm not all that different, for different reasons. I left school when I was 10 and didn't have any real social contact until I was 18... . for the first year, all the girls I met lead me on and the few I dated messed me about. It knocked my confidence, which I didn't really have any to begin with due to 8 years of... . I guess incubating would be the best word... . and not knowing what people would think of me after growing up in isolation, other than my 2 brothers (who have always been close to eachother while I've been the odd one out) and my parents.

Anyway... . when I met her, of course it was amazing, it always is with BPD, is it not? But BPD wasn't responsible for all the things we had in common or the fact that she actually seemed to get me where no-one else, even my own family, had. I can't even describe the the mental connection I felt with her... . we were literally inseparable, and would spend easily 2 out of 3 days together on average, or more... .

The point I'm getting at is... . part of her jealousy, and worries, made her stay close to me... . and I never had to worry about her, because in all fairness, despite her being annoyed about me having female friends (the few that I did have I kept at a distance), she didn't have any close male friends... . and so my jealousy was never an issue. And of course she vanquished my insecurities... .

I know as I read this in my head that it probably sounds pathetic in a way... . her screwed up head helps my screwed up head... . but I guess that's just a recipe for disaster in the making :/

I have a temper problem, which doesn't go well with dysregulating moods... . and I am immature for my age, most likely due to only have a 4 year long social life... . so I know I should've worked harder to be someone who could handle it.

But moving on to point two... . I got carried away there. My mate is the guy I rely on for everything, and was only second to my ex until recently... . he went through a very similar situation, in fact it's the reason were such good friends now... . and I trust him, so I know I should listen to him. And I believe him when he says he'll go out of his way to ensure my safety... . and deep down I know that he is right :/

I am absolutely torn right now... . I knew for the last 2 years that was something not quite right about her... . but it just felt right... . right for me at least :/

And as you can tell from the way my mate was talking, I have lost a lot of confidence in myself... . but whether i think I can find someone better or not doesn't change the fact that I don't want to... . I still want her, and am only interested in her and can't imagine myself feeling this way about anyone else... . they'd have to be pretty much exactly like her, but without BPD... . but maybe that's part of her character, and part of the reason I'm nuts about her is because of some of the quirks that are because of it... .

I guess it's not that I feel like I can't get someone better because I have no confidence in myself, but because I don't feel like there's anyone else I'd find better... . I think the fact that she's so different is one of the things I love... . if that even makes sense (I probably sound as crazy as her right now)

I've always been attracted to 'nutters' as it were... . and a part of me worries that even if I move on, the next one will be a nutter too... . better the devil you know... .

I don't want to come off as stubborn, this is just how I feel right now... . that may change tomorrow, who knows, I'm just confused by my own emotions currently :s

[LivingTheNightmare]

I just can't imagine being with someone else, I can't imagine any other woman, real or imaginary, in her place. She was always my 'dream woman'... . I used to tell her that there wasn't a thing I'd change and I meant it... . I mean, apart from the jealousy. If she could have just trusted me, everything would have been fantastic... . but of course, if she could trust me then I wouldn't be here right now :/

I mean it wasn't just her personality, which was so similar to mine that I felt like I met the only other person on my wavelength... . she was beautiful, one the few girls I've seen in my life that I disliked nothing about physically. Why are the beautiful ones so unobtainable? Even when you're with them!

I am scared, to a degree, that I won't meet anyone quite like her again... . it's so frustrating, isn't it? This wonderful, perfect woman who turns into the complete opposite unexpectedly... .

There was something special about what we had, that I honestly don't know if I will find again... . and it doesn't help that at age 22, this happens to be my first real relationship, and my first real breakup... . what a great way to start eh? I don't know if I'm crazy or not, cause the only woman I've been with probably was... . I still don't know if I can handle a normal relationship yet, the fact that I found happiness with her means nothing in regards to future relationships because I'm still not sure i'm 'normal' after the whole '8 years of isolation' thing. I failed with women miserably, none of them got me, or understood me... . they all thought I was really weird, except her. And I honestly don't know anymore if BPD has something to do with that :/

Yeah... . I guess I have a few issues of my own... .

[LivingTheNightmare]

I know I should move on... . but I feel like I'm leaving a huge part of me behind by doing that :/

I couldn't be more conflicted right now :/

[popeye6031]

I can guarantee you that everyone here felt the same connection you felt with your gf at the start.  And because it is likely that we all had our insecurities in some way, we thought or think that this person could make it better or at least make us suppress our issues.  That is how it works at the start of the BPD r/s and you get hooked on it.  But we all know that feeling never stays.  It iwll come back every so often but most of the time (certainly in my case) you are on contant edge about your every move.  We all think about the loving, sweets times we have shared but the constant chaos (splitting) keeps us stressed out and not functioning 100% as we normally would.

Like you, my family have noticed a big change in me.  They have said how I am more on edge, stressed and less less sociable. And my firends, well I never see them.  Your friends and family know you best.  So listen to what they are saying and really give it some thought.

Although you are going through turmoil at the moment, if you decide to walk away and stay away, one day you are going to look back and realise it was one of the best decisions you ever made.

[LivingTheNightmare]

I don't see as I have a choice to be honest, I am still hurting from her sleeping with someone else so soon, I guess I just keep forgetting about that when I miss her... . she might not even try to come back... .

But I know the logical thing is to stay away, the problem is finding enough distractions so as not to think about her... . but even though joining this forum now is a bit late to help the relationship, it can now help me move on :/

I just really wish I didn't have to, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that she does have BPD now that I've been reading these boards for a couple of days... . which means it probably won't get any better :/

[LivingTheNightmare]

And yet, here I am a couple of hours later, feelings like I need to get her back :/

I am definitely UNDECIDED!  :'(