BPD mother doing my head in Help please ;-)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, whilst things have been on an even keel for a little while, the "I want to die / my family does nothing for me" / whinger / martyr / absolute bhit is back.

BPD mother has a physical illness (just recovering from another bout of pneumonia), but she also doesn't do anything for herself and stays in her unit for weeks and weeks on end and just mopes and moans and whinges - "Oh woe is me."

I call her every single day (even though it makes my stomach churn), I visit at least once a week (I've reduced it because she is so destructive and impinges on my life, plus I run a small business that's really busy and, in the poor economy, I can't afford to just leave it to give in to my mother's whims). Also, for my own health and safety, I cannot go see a woman who accuses, abuses and tries to belittle me.

She just had a whinge that she is sick, lonely, her family does nothing for her, she has to rely on carers to do shopping etc and that my brother and I should be doing that.

Well, I put in place carers to take the stress off myself and my partner (my brother does very little anyway), and to do things for mum and to give her company. I was doing absolutely everything for her - from shopping, paying bills, picking her up from hospital (she's hospitalised regularly) to taking her out for lunch (when she chooses to leave her unit). But physically and mentally I couldn't do it anymore. So increased the level of carers. But now we're back to the "my family doesn't care for me." Knew it was coming, just didn't know when!

She says she wants to die. Well I pray that her heart gives out every single night. she has no quality of life, nothing to live for (so she says) and is sick (she's not as sick as she believes she is).

I hate weekends because I have to see her. I hate evenings because I have to ring her. I hate seeing her phone number come up when she calls me. I want a life without my mother in it.

I've already chopped my dickhead brother out of my life and that made me feel great. With mum gone, whilst I'll be sad, I'll also be ecstatic.

My stomach is churning big time. So any help on how to handle this would be much appreciated!

Thanks guys.

Lisa

[Lisallew]

Hi, whilst things have been on an even keel for a little while, the "I want to die / my family does nothing for me" / whinger / martyr / absolute bhit is back.

BPD mother has a physical illness (just recovering from another bout of pneumonia), but she also doesn't do anything for herself and stays in her unit for weeks and weeks on end and just mopes and moans and whinges - "Oh woe is me."

I call her every single day (even though it makes my stomach churn), I visit at least once a week (I've reduced it because she is so destructive and impinges on my life, plus I run a small business that's really busy and, in the poor economy, I can't afford to just leave it to give in to my mother's whims). Also, for my own health and safety, I cannot go see a woman who accuses, abuses and tries to belittle me.

She just had a whinge that she is sick, lonely, her family does nothing for her, she has to rely on carers to do shopping etc and that my brother and I should be doing that.

Well, I put in place carers to take the stress off myself and my partner (my brother does very little anyway), and to do things for mum and to give her company. I was doing absolutely everything for her - from shopping, paying bills, picking her up from hospital (she's hospitalised regularly) to taking her out for lunch (when she chooses to leave her unit). But physically and mentally I couldn't do it anymore. So increased the level of carers. But now we're back to the "my family doesn't care for me." Knew it was coming, just didn't know when!

She says she wants to die. Well I pray that her heart gives out every single night. she has no quality of life, nothing to live for (so she says) and is sick (she's not as sick as she believes she is).

I hate weekends because I have to see her. I hate evenings because I have to ring her. I hate seeing her phone number come up when she calls me. I want a life without my mother in it.

I've already chopped my dickhead brother out of my life and that made me feel great. With mum gone, whilst I'll be sad, I'll also be ecstatic.

My stomach is churning big time. So any help on how to handle this would be much appreciated!

Thanks guys.

Lisa

[hoping4hope]

You sound frustrated but devoted.  Calling your mom everyday and visiting every weekend when you don't seem to have any good times together.

That is a dutiful daughter.  It sounds very dispiriting to continue in this way.

You are right to think about making changes and wanting to stop it completely is understandable because the current situation is unbearable... .

But I bet there are other changes you could try.  Do you absolutely have to call her every single night and visit every weekend?  It is so hard to suggest ways to make this better for you... . but things have to be modified or you will come to the end of your rope.

Wish I had more than sympathy to send.

[skinny13]

Lisallew, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Your mother is putting all of her burdens (some of which are self-created, it sounds like) on you, and that is incredibly unfair.

I want to echo what hoping4hope said here. You need to take a night or a weekend off (or both) from doing everything for your mother. You need to take care of yourself and you deserve a break from all of this drama. Can you schedule a weekend away? Or just tell her you won't be available on x day but you'll contact her when you "get back" and then turn off/unplug your phone and do something fun that will bring you some happiness. You deserve that. You were not put on earth to be tortured every day by your mother who chooses to be negative and miserable about her situation.

Hang in there!

[Gadget42]

Here is what I kept seeing in your post over and over, the word HAVE. At the end of the day we don't have to do anything, we choose everything. Everything is a choice, you choose to go visit your mom, you choose to call her, you choose how you feel about yourself when you don't call her or visit her. And if you choose not to visit her like you chose not to be in your brother's life. Fear has a heavy hand that is making you feel like you have to do these things for your mom but you dont.

I know it seems silly but if you take a step back, take a deep breath and admit you are choosing to do these things it may make it easier to make better decisions instead of feeling trapped in responsibility.

[Calsun]

Dear Lisallew,

I know one of the things that led me to do things for my mother throughout the years was this feeling that if I did for her then I could get her to finally approve of me and to remove the tag of black sheep from me.  She taught me that I was a bad person and felt the only way I could stop feeling I was, was by proving to her that I was good.  My brother who was taught he was the good one never felt so obliged.  And I felt a need to punish myself for my alleged "badness."  And one of the ways I punished myself was to take her abuse.

What I found freeing was confronting that voice inside of me rather than spending time trying to prove my value, goodness and worthwhileness to a uBPD mother.  To understand that it was all a big lie,  all a projection of something about her, and that she was never really seeing me, is helpful.  In some ways, this kind of suffering is an illusion.  It was very real that my mother said horrible things to me and treated me with disrespect, but now I can choose to empower her and that voice within me, or I can quiet it with the reality that it came from illness and had nothing to do with who I really am.  It was an identity that she created for me out of her projections, her splitting, her BPD.  So, there is who I really am and who BPD projecting mother says I am.  It's the latter that gets manipulated and bound into harmful contact by feeling a need to do for her, to win her approval and change the identity she projected onto me.  The former is already a perfectly good person who has the freedom to limit or even stop his contact with an ill and toxic person.

Calsun