Having an intense emotional and physical affair with a uBPD woman

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi. Sorry that this will be long. I feel like I am at the end of my rope with a situation that I got into with a woman that I now believe suffers from BPD.

I became involved with this woman at my job 2 years ago. I have been married for 13 years. My wife is a great person. Never thought i would ever cheat on her. I have never cheated in my life. I am 45 years old.

In Aug 2011 I noticed that this woman who I new very casually looked upset. I asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me her life story. Keep in mind that maybe we had spoken 3 times in the 4 years that she worked there. She told me her soon to be ex husband was making her life hell. That her current bf was making her life hell and that her teenage son left her to live with dad after a misunderstanding. Oh and that she may have breast cancer. That should have been 1st red flag. I felt terrible for her cause it seemed like she had no one to turn to. Cancer runs in my family and it hit a nerve. I know i have a savior complex but I have never gotten involved with another person's issues. I felt compelled to help her. Gave her my cell and said if u need anything contact me. I never thought it would lead to an affair because she knew i was married, she was very religious and seemed like a real conservative and I loved my wife and wasn't even sexually attracted to this woman.

After she had surgery she said she was lonely and wanted company. I go to house to visit and she is wearing sexy clothes that seem out of character. It shocked me. She called her bf Mr Right NOw which I thought was rude being that he was helping her pay bills and take care of house.

We basically had a text relationship. Started slowly but within 2 weeks she would text me every night. We texted from 2 - 5 hours every night. I was like does this woman think i'm her bf? So one night I decided not to text at the usual time. Within 10 min I got the weirdest text back saying I knew u were too good to be true. I never asked for your help. I don't need your pity and I will get by on my own like always. I was like What the heck? Is this a joke. I assured her i was sincere and calmed her down. The night before she told me that I was a perfect human being and that if she could ever come back as someone else it would be me. She hardly knew me. The following week she would constantly ask what our status was and I would say friends. This seemed to agitate her. I knew she was interested in me though she denied it. I tried to keep it always friendly.

Over the next few weeks we really bonded. I took her to her doctor apts. Held her hand. She would text and say do u want to see sexy pics of me. I swear I said no. She continued the sexy talk and I followed and we sexted. The next night I was unable to text her cause i was working and she tore me a new one. Saying how could u use me like that. Again I'm like what the heck? She started it.

Needless to say our relationship became physical and intense. We both said I love you after just 3 months. I felt a connection with her like I never did before. She was so affectionate and loving. Also told me basically I was great in every way. Love of her life and never had a relationship like this.

She told me about her soon to be ex husband and all her ex's. Stories just didnt make sense. How could these people be so cruel to her.

Over the past 2 years we have broken up 14 times including the most recent on july 5 2013. I will go back and forth between wanting to divorce my wife and marry her and run like hell from her. I know the issues with my wife must be addressed cause it is obviosly wrong what i did and not fair to her. That i will save for a differnt place and time.  My cocern is that I am hoplessly attached to this woman yet confused by her behavior. If she truly has BPD will she leave me after I am available and single. Will she become more like the women that I read about here. I'm not sure even if she hs BPD. She 's been in therapy her whole life. Here are some traits or incidents that made me think she has BPD. Mind u I had no idea what BPD was until I google her symptoms.

* Put me on an incredibly high pedestal when I did things for her

* If I disappointed her in any way the rage was amazing. Used language that guys won't use with me

* Told me she loves me more than her 2 kids

* Kids are withdrawn from her. She treats them like babies telling them to say I love u mommy even though they are teenagers

* Has said she doesnt know why she loves the kids when they dont love back

* sees everything in black and white

* has admitted to creating own reality to cope including making things up about me and totally believing them in order to survive

* plays victim. She has totally recovered from illness  but always complains about feeling sick

* during our breakups she would hang with a different crowd and act like them. To the point where she started smoking. Mind u she is 47 years old. She lied to my face when i smelled smoke on her only to admit it after i pressed

* I told her that I know the affair is stressful for her and if she wanted to see other people and I would have to accept it. She said no but then  I found her on multiple dating sites which she lied about. Only admitted it when i printed out screen page.

* claims ex bf won't leave her alone and is always calling yet she calls him when we breakup

* creates a to do list for everything. Must control every aspect of her life

* is supersensitive to any criticism. Claims her entire family hates her

* said she was an outcast as a child and didn't fit in. also alluded to sexual abuse by a relative

* has mentioned wanting to and planning to commit suicide many times. This is what prompted me to research her actions to see if she may be serious about this.

There are more. I always made excuses for her cause her life is stressful and being with a married man is stressful. Also want to say that I know I betrayed my wife and am not looking for absolution from the board. I don't know if I deeply love this woman or am addicted to the BPD traits. It's not sexually attraction either. Sex with her is awkward and feels forced. Seems like she is trying to be a bad girl and it comes off odd. She said it turns her on thinking that I'm a bad boy. I'm really not but her ex's are.

Does it sound like BPD to u? If so, what are the odds that she'll get bored when we are a "normal" couple. Does she really believe the great things she tells me? The stress from having to decide what to do is becoming crippling for me. It will affect the lives of 3 people. This woman swears she acts nuts because Im married and she wants to be married to me.

Is that possible? Could life be normal with her? All I know is I can not break away from her no matter how hard I try.  No contact is impossible due to the fact we work together

[nyfit1]

Hi. Sorry that this will be long. I feel like I am at the end of my rope with a situation that I got into with a woman that I now believe suffers from BPD.

I became involved with this woman at my job 2 years ago. I have been married for 13 years. My wife is a great person. Never thought i would ever cheat on her. I have never cheated in my life. I am 45 years old.

In Aug 2011 I noticed that this woman who I new very casually looked upset. I asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to tell me her life story. Keep in mind that maybe we had spoken 3 times in the 4 years that she worked there. She told me her soon to be ex husband was making her life hell. That her current bf was making her life hell and that her teenage son left her to live with dad after a misunderstanding. Oh and that she may have breast cancer. That should have been 1st red flag. I felt terrible for her cause it seemed like she had no one to turn to. Cancer runs in my family and it hit a nerve. I know i have a savior complex but I have never gotten involved with another person's issues. I felt compelled to help her. Gave her my cell and said if u need anything contact me. I never thought it would lead to an affair because she knew i was married, she was very religious and seemed like a real conservative and I loved my wife and wasn't even sexually attracted to this woman.

After she had surgery she said she was lonely and wanted company. I go to house to visit and she is wearing sexy clothes that seem out of character. It shocked me. She called her bf Mr Right NOw which I thought was rude being that he was helping her pay bills and take care of house.

We basically had a text relationship. Started slowly but within 2 weeks she would text me every night. We texted from 2 - 5 hours every night. I was like does this woman think i'm her bf? So one night I decided not to text at the usual time. Within 10 min I got the weirdest text back saying I knew u were too good to be true. I never asked for your help. I don't need your pity and I will get by on my own like always. I was like What the heck? Is this a joke. I assured her i was sincere and calmed her down. The night before she told me that I was a perfect human being and that if she could ever come back as someone else it would be me. She hardly knew me. The following week she would constantly ask what our status was and I would say friends. This seemed to agitate her. I knew she was interested in me though she denied it. I tried to keep it always friendly.

Over the next few weeks we really bonded. I took her to her doctor apts. Held her hand. She would text and say do u want to see sexy pics of me. I swear I said no. She continued the sexy talk and I followed and we sexted. The next night I was unable to text her cause i was working and she tore me a new one. Saying how could u use me like that. Again I'm like what the heck? She started it.

Needless to say our relationship became physical and intense. We both said I love you after just 3 months. I felt a connection with her like I never did before. She was so affectionate and loving. Also told me basically I was great in every way. Love of her life and never had a relationship like this.

She told me about her soon to be ex husband and all her ex's. Stories just didnt make sense. How could these people be so cruel to her.

Over the past 2 years we have broken up 14 times including the most recent on july 5 2013. I will go back and forth between wanting to divorce my wife and marry her and run like hell from her. I know the issues with my wife must be addressed cause it is obviosly wrong what i did and not fair to her. That i will save for a differnt place and time.  My cocern is that I am hoplessly attached to this woman yet confused by her behavior. If she truly has BPD will she leave me after I am available and single. Will she become more like the women that I read about here. I'm not sure even if she hs BPD. She 's been in therapy her whole life. Here are some traits or incidents that made me think she has BPD. Mind u I had no idea what BPD was until I google her symptoms.

* Put me on an incredibly high pedestal when I did things for her

* If I disappointed her in any way the rage was amazing. Used language that guys won't use with me

* Told me she loves me more than her 2 kids

* Kids are withdrawn from her. She treats them like babies telling them to say I love u mommy even though they are teenagers

* Has said she doesnt know why she loves the kids when they dont love back

* sees everything in black and white

* has admitted to creating own reality to cope including making things up about me and totally believing them in order to survive

* plays victim. She has totally recovered from illness  but always complains about feeling sick

* during our breakups she would hang with a different crowd and act like them. To the point where she started smoking. Mind u she is 47 years old. She lied to my face when i smelled smoke on her only to admit it after i pressed

* I told her that I know the affair is stressful for her and if she wanted to see other people and I would have to accept it. She said no but then  I found her on multiple dating sites which she lied about. Only admitted it when i printed out screen page.

* claims ex bf won't leave her alone and is always calling yet she calls him when we breakup

* creates a to do list for everything. Must control every aspect of her life

* is supersensitive to any criticism. Claims her entire family hates her

* said she was an outcast as a child and didn't fit in. also alluded to sexual abuse by a relative

* has mentioned wanting to and planning to commit suicide many times. This is what prompted me to research her actions to see if she may be serious about this.

There are more. I always made excuses for her cause her life is stressful and being with a married man is stressful. Also want to say that I know I betrayed my wife and am not looking for absolution from the board. I don't know if I deeply love this woman or am addicted to the BPD traits. It's not sexually attraction either. Sex with her is awkward and feels forced. Seems like she is trying to be a bad girl and it comes off odd. She said it turns her on thinking that I'm a bad boy. I'm really not but her ex's are.

Does it sound like BPD to u? If so, what are the odds that she'll get bored when we are a "normal" couple. Does she really believe the great things she tells me? The stress from having to decide what to do is becoming crippling for me. It will affect the lives of 3 people. This woman swears she acts nuts because Im married and she wants to be married to me.

Is that possible? Could life be normal with her? All I know is I can not break away from her no matter how hard I try.  No contact is impossible due to the fact we work together

[Confused76]

The details you talk about in your post is very reminiscent to my uBPDGF.  I'm far from an expert, and new to this site, but you do bring attention to many classic "signs" of BPD.  Take a few minutes and read this article, it is the one that led me to believing that my GF may be suffering from BPD:  /waif.html

I'd also recommend to seek out a copy (or .pdf online) of Stop Walking on Eggshells

I'm sure other members will link you to articles and workshops on here that will help you with your decisions and improve your communication skills.

You asked "Could life be normal with her?"  Chances are slim, if she is BPD (or possibly another ailment), that things will ever be "normal".  If you choose this path, it will be an uphill battle, weighted on a lot of work on your end.  Could it ultimately be rewarding?  I like to think optimistically, and say yes, but just not your typical Hollywood type romance.

You need to take some time to yourself and really think about what you want, and how your choices will affect the 3 of you (assuming no children in current marriage).  I am in no place to tell you what is right and what is wrong for your situation, you must come to these conclusions on your own.  What I can say is stick around this site and read postings, make your own, study the skills, and just generally participate.  It all helps.

GOOD LUCK!

[pk]

Hello NYFIT1

Yes you have it and you have it bad.  Please let me tell you my story.   I met my BPDh 24 yrs ago.  I was married.  I left the marriage to be with him.  What has happened in my life has been nothing less than chaotic and yet I can't seem to ever get my feet on the ground or my mind out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) long enough to take my life back.  He has tried to ruin us financially and now no longer even works while I work 2 jobs and 6 days a week.  Do I love him?  Yes, I do, I think.  To be honest I am not sure what an honest definition of Love is anymore.  Perhaps it is the drama we get addicted to of the intense feelings they imagine they have for us.  My BPDH have cheated on approx. every two to three years without fail although sometimes only emotionally (online).

Here is the test that would have made a difference for me.

When I have a crisis - he is not there for me and is even very harmful to me mentally when i need him most.  When I had cancer and went thru chemo he had an affair for months with a girl half his age.  Bailing on me when I needed him most because he couldn't deal with my crisis.  Since then when I have a weak moment, he has a bigger one etc.  Anyway that is the question I wish someone would have asked me when I first met him.

"If you know this person will cut and run on you the first time you need them- what are you willing to give up for them?"

Good luck NYFit1

[pk]

Another test for for your relationship is to agree to go no contact for a period of time and then see how you feel about her and how she feels about you.

A BPD cannot go very long without constant attention, romantic validation etc. 

[nyfit1]

I would like to thank u both for responding. I'm sorry to hear that u are suffering too. When were you sure your partner had BPD? I'm still not sure if my partner is just reacting to the stress of the affair. I tend to doubt it for two reasons. Long before I knew what BPD was I found myself using BPD terms like black and white reasoning, inappropriate rage, extreme complements and then extreme criticism if she didn't get something that she expected. My only concern is that I know think about her differently based on what I read her. I don't want to judge but my fear is if she is suffering from BPD then very little of what she shared is fake. My bond with her could also be just me reacting to the mirroring. She says I am more special to her than her children. She says she loves me more than anyone in her life including her family. Is this just because I am married now and a challenge? She gets bored easily and always needs major things going on. She'll put house on the market, she got plastic surgery (tummytuck), always has a crisis

[nyfit1]

Correction to my last post. I should have said I am concerned that everything we shared is fake. Concerned that after the drama of the affair is over she will lose interest. She has told me that she has learned how to act in order for people to be more positive around her. I would hate to think that she isn't the sweet person she seems to be. My gut says she isn't but now I'm not sure if I'm just looking for BPD traits

[HoldingAHurricane]

Being idolised by someone is intense, intoxicating and exciting. It's also not real or sustainable. Being someone's rescuer is also an emotionally powerful role but equally, unreal and unsustainable. Rather than being hopelessly attached to your partner, it might you are attracted to being idolised and being her white knight because they fulfil needs you have not yet recognised and acknowledged. At least that is what I have come to think about myself and my dBPDh and is/was probably true for all of us, nons, at some stage. For me, I think disengaging might rest in me figuring out what needs my husband is meeting and how I can fulfil or heal them myself.

Since you are only half the relationship, and half is what she brings to the table, you cannot hope for anything more than what you already have unless she goes to therapy, sticks with therapy in the longer term, and makes a genuine effort to heal. You have no control over that. You can't heal her.

I found this series of articles helpful www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-white-knight-syndrome. Maybe there is something in there that you might find useful too.

Take care,

HaH

[nyfit1]

Hello HaH. I totally agree with you. I know that the hero worship is very addictive. Before I even heard of BPD I would think of her as a drug and an addiction. Why do u think people with BPD worship their partners like this? The stuff she said to me was just ridiculous. This woman is 47 years old and the things she said to me would be over the top for a teenager experiencing love for the first time. She also claims she never felt this for anyone else ever.

[HoldingAHurricane]

In terms of the "why", I am sure someone else can answer that better than me. I think the better question is "what is it about being idolised that is so compelling?". Its a clue to whatever the unfulfilled need is within you. Maybe its about being validated or feeling valuable? Imagine if you could feel those things without her being the source, would it be easier to listen to your intuition which has thus far stopped you from making that final commitment to her? 

[MaybeSo]

Yes, in my opinion, she likely is borderline at the very least.  In any event, the list of symptoms / behaviors  you listed are terribly immature and very disturbing, regardless of the label.

Saying she loves you more than her kids... .

Ugh. Yuck. What a horribly immature woman. Her poor kids.

What about that list is attractive to you? What is there about this attachment that is good, for you? For her? For her kids?

Your list doesn't sound "sweet" at all. Nightmarish, really. If she is sweet sometimes, but nightmarish at other times, then the reality is she is both. Both. So start accepting reality my friend. She is both... . all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. She is showing you AND telling you who she is. Not wanting to accept the truth is denial.

It sounds like you are addicted to her.

[nyfit1]

Hi MaybeSo

U are 100 % correct. I am addicted to her. We have broken up for the 15th time just 3 days ago. This breakup has been a lot easier on me because i now realize the truth of the situation. I came into the relationship feeling confident about who i was, secure, and had good self esteem. My problem is I do have a bit of I can fix anything attitude. I was never sexually attracted to this woman. I was not looking for an affair.

I went through a bad time 2 years prior to meeting her. I had 2 close relatives die within weeks of each other and it put me into a severe depression. It caused me to actually have to go on an antidepressant for a year. I was always seen as the stoic go to guy in my family and now I was a crying mess. Even my wife had a tough time handling seeing me like that. I got my act together and felt better but I guess I felt like I let people down. I know thats crazy to think but I did feel that way.

Then I meet this woman that opens up to me and tells me the most amazing troubles. I honestly wanted to be there for her. I know that on some level it was also for me to feel important and strong again. The affair just got way out of control. I did become addicted to her telling me I was her savior and was perfect. After 2 years of that I gave her the power to validate me.

I've been reading that it also affects brain chemistry. I think i'm handling this better now because I've been taking a supplement called 5-htp which has increased serotonin levels in my brain and I actually feel more rational. I can look back and see how when the going got rough this woman always bailed on me. It was always time for a break which she would later blame on me. It was always about her wants and needs. Even over her children but somehow she was always the victim and I fell for it. I would take her crap just for the over the top compliments she would pile on me.

[MaybeSo]

We have our own distorted beliefs and thoughts that tend to dovetail nicely with a disordered person's beliefs and thoughts.

A victim needs a rescuer and rescuer needs a victim.

You can't fix or rescue this person, or really any adult. We can be supportive and caring... . while they do what they do... . but we can't fix or rescue someone. Ever.

You will have to fix and rescue yourself. This is possible.

Of course she will always present as a victim because it works for her, and there are no end to those who need to be in the rescue role with her.  Each one will be seen as her persecutor, eventually. That's how it works!

These relationships provide huge & amazing learning experiences about US.

Good luck on your journey, it will be a tough one, but most important journeys are.   

     

[nyfit1]

During the last two we have been trying no contact but not easy since we work together. She wanted no texting but still wants me to pop in and say hi at work. This will work for about 3 days then she rages and wants no contact.

I feel much better after 3 days of not seeing her. Plus I'm taking an herb called 5-htp. I read that it is a natural antidepressant and it helps with obsessing. It has really helped.

She will text me out of the blue these texts where she accuses me of leading her on, ruining her life and will actually describe herself as a poor suffering woman and follow that up with the question how can I live with myself. She follows that with random things that make no sense. Its almost like there are three people texting, her, me and an evil version of me in her head. She'll say I know u want to leave me. I tell her I love her. She says I know what u are up to. Just do it. I'll say what are u talking about. She'll say when u leave your wife you'll find someone better than me. Then shell say i know im not good enough for u. I'm like am I missing some of your texts? Where are u going with this? I don't think those things at all.

I believe she wants me to be the one to officially end it once and for all. She has pushed my buttons in the past and I have said things that hurt her feelings. Called her selfish and brought up the BPD traits. She has zero tolerance for any criticism and she actually wrote what I said down and carried the paper around with her. I told her if she wants to leave then do it but I will not give her ammo to stay mad at me. I think she wants me to dump her so she can play victim. Do I sound like I'm on right track here? Talking to her makes me feel nuts.