Just want to be blunt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My stbx and split more than half a year ago. Divorce is pending and meanwhile I keep contact very low.

Most of it goes through L's.

Sometimes we have to sent each other a mail to arrange something. She's still mailing like she did when we were together: "you should do this and that".

My first impulse is: "I don't have to do anything, especially not when you say it".

I'm far enough to not do this 

So before I answered: "I will do this and that.", but that kind of mail is always followed by some answer. And I really don't want answers. I want her to get out of my life.

So I thought I would make it a bit more blunt: "I will do this and that and not going to discuss this any further, so we can stop communication right now".

Any thoughts?

[VeryFree]

My stbx and split more than half a year ago. Divorce is pending and meanwhile I keep contact very low.

Most of it goes through L's.

Sometimes we have to sent each other a mail to arrange something. She's still mailing like she did when we were together: "you should do this and that".

My first impulse is: "I don't have to do anything, especially not when you say it".

I'm far enough to not do this 

So before I answered: "I will do this and that.", but that kind of mail is always followed by some answer. And I really don't want answers. I want her to get out of my life.

So I thought I would make it a bit more blunt: "I will do this and that and not going to discuss this any further, so we can stop communication right now".

Any thoughts?

[Clearmind]

Is the communication divorce related or personal?

What happens when you don't respond?

[VeryFree]

It's neither.

Just some practical issues.

Divorce-issues are handled by L.

Personal issues are off-limits for me: I won't react.

Not reacting means a bill isn't paid and could mean trouble. 

[VeryFree]

I did as I posted before:

- let's do this and that and stop contact again.

In return there's a mail where she blames me for not paying the bill and speaks about trust.

My first reaction: LOL, she's speaking about trust (has robbed me of most of my finances,stole a lot of stuff, doesn't hand over my belongings, filed false charges against me and keeps painting me black. 

Probably not the best reaction I presume?

[Clearmind]

VS, these types of accusations will fly unfortunately. If you are unable to set boundaries and her respect them are you able to detach from her blame/accusations? I would iamgine its a bit of a slap in the face given what you have already endured and hard to have continued contact.

Can everything go throug the L?

[VeryFree]

Hi Clearmind,

Detaching from her (as a person) isn't a problem anymore. Detaching from the things that she put me through is much harder, because they still have consequences. And allthough I know I can't change how things were and can't change her (previous) behaviour, I still find it very hard to accept: expecially the 'justice-part'. It all is so unfair: she tried and still tries to make my life miserable and she gets every opportunity to do that:

- Emotionally is my own responsibility: I will have to deal with it, and with help from my friends/family I will succeed.

- Practically is a different story: our law is providing her all sorts of ways to make my life harder. As an example and to answer your question if all things can go through a lawyer: because she isn't working (she's ill!) she gets her legal aid for free. I'm working so I'm paying my L. That means that every thing that my L does for me costs a lot of money, every letter, every mail, every phonecall: if I choose to do that I'm bankrupt in a couple of months. I allready brought about $ 15,000 to my L... .  

[VeryFree]

I decided to react and actually feel good about it.

I wanted to react. Not to get her angry, not to get a reaction, not to hear a 'sorry'. I just wanted to say some things that I got on my mind. Sort of 'last message', kind of closure.

I reacted on the practical issues and made a remark about her using the word 'trust'.

Didn't dig in that deep, didn't blame her, didn't go on an emotional tour. Just told her we didn't have to communicate in this way anymore. We both played our parts. I've learned a lot about those parts, found a lot of answers and am ready to start rebuilding my life.

I wrote that I hope, she will find those answers for herself and she also can go on. And at the moment she does, that  she will not be to hard on herself. I further wrote I hope one day she will see the positive things about our r/s, me and herself.

I was ready to receive a written rage, and decided not to react to that, but... . she didn't. She just said something unfriendly about the practical issues and went silent again. I didn't react to the practical issues anymore. I don't feel the need.

Good thing: I said what I wanted to say and it didn't lead to a discussion. I allready felt detached, but made another step.