How Not to Worry SOO MUCH

[ConflictedxAMillion]

After two weeks or so of being unemployed (fired from job #4) dd21 finally got a job working as a cashier for a supermarket.

With all of the stealing and swindling from family members, I'm worried about her having access to a cash register.  I will be having a talk with her about it... . I mean, if she's tempted, we are now talking a felony, court, possible jail, etc.

I find myself worrying about the "what if's" constantly for her... . (because lot's of times the what if's become reality for her).

I know there's nothing I can do - I can't control it - I can only have a chat with her about it.

But what I want to know from all of you is what do you do to help keep yourselves sane and keep your anxiety under control when it comes to your BPD loved one.  Sometime my anxiety is so intense that I have chest pains and neck and shoulder pain.  It wears the heck out of me.

Thanks for any suggestions you have.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Hi conflicted:  This is where I use radical acceptance.  I cannot contol what DD does.  I can talk with her when I am concerned but I know in the end she will be the one to make a decision and have to suffer the consequences.  Last year in her first semester at college I knew she was having a difficult time.  I suggested to her to drop one of her classes.  She said no.  I knew in my heart she was skipping this class alot and it was driving me crazy.  I reminded myself to refrain from asking her about it and in the end when she tried to withdraw it was to late.  The end result is an averaged into her cum and now she has to retake the class.  What a waste,  I wanted to scream, why wouldn't you listen to me?  Why would you do that?  but in the end she learned a good lesson.  She now has to take the class over... . that is the consequence.

It can be maddening when they do these things so to stay sane I just keep reminding myself that she is an adult and she has to learn to make better decisions in her own way.  I cannot take responsiblity for that.

Griz

[PyneappleDays]

It's not easy even if the kid does not had the disorder.

Reading alot then remebering what you read.  I reamember when my daughter got a job in a hotdog stand in a football stadium.  Her lifting money out of the til way my biggest worry.

I think about her all the time specially on the weekends when I have more time on my hands.  :)uring the week I'm too busy.

I guess even with non BP's it's as time goes by and they show more stability.  

I may adaughter I'm still the little birdie in her ear even when she says " mom I'm not that stupid".

I guess that's why I'm getty more wrinkle lines around my eyes.

PyneappleDays

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Thanks Griz... . I find myself always saying "she ALWAYS has to learn things the hard way"... .

However, a lot of times, I feel she doesn't learn.  I feel she keeps making the same mistakes or making bad choices CONSTANTLY. 

Do you find that with your BPD?

[griz]

Conflicted:  I find that as she gets older (she is 18) I find that she is making them less and less.  She has become a bit more reflective. Instead of speaking with her about potential mistakes though I try to take a different road such as I don't remind her of her mistake with the class but what I now focus on is her future.  I do this by saying,  I know you really would like to attend XXX for your next two years of college. You are doing so well, what do you think you need to do to attain that goal.   Is there something at the supermarket that you could find a goal in.  Praising her maybe for how well she deals with the public and that this is good training for maybe a job in human resources or retail.  Giving her a goal (i'm just going to make this up here)  could you say something like:

Wow it is hard to be a cashier, dealing with the public and so many different types of people.  You seem to be really good at that.  I bet you would do really well in retail, maybe even a manager of a store.  What could you see yourself doing in the future?  If she takes to this you could then ask her what skills she could perfect at this job that would maybe move her forward in that direction.  Maybe at some point managing a section of the supermarket, from there onto maybe a store in the local mall.  You can just keep climbing.  Maybe she could even share each day with you an accomplishment that makes her feel good about herself. Maybe a difficult customer that she was able to handle well.  I try to focus alot on the accomplishments my DD makes and praise her for them and validate bad feelings along with it.  Gosh it must be so hard to deal with that impossible Math professor, I can't believe how well you are doing with this. 

I don't know about your Dd but I know that my DD became used to having people expect bad choices from her.  In school when she was struggling there was very little support and praise from her teachers.  For two years she learned that she was lazy, doing the wrong thing, bullied by other kids.  A constant barage of negatively.  I am working at turning that around.  She needs to have self respect. To think highly of herself.  To expect the best of herself and expect respect from other... . and she needs to earn it. 

I also want to add something that you all will think is a bit loopy here but I also ask DD for advice.  I have a coworker/friend who I have been having a bad time with and I talked to her about how I was feeling and I asked her advice on what she would do.  She not only gave me some good insight but she was glowing afterwards.  I think it not only made her feel good about herself (wow someone is asking me for advice) but she felt so valued. I reported back to her that her advice really helped and she couldn't wait to hear and was so happy to have helped.  Now I am sure anyone reading this is thinking where do I report this, Griz has clearly lost her f... . ing mind, she is asking her BPD daughter for advice.  But you know what, they are people.  Most of them have had the crap beat out of them by the world. They are highly sensitive and devalued at every turn.  God it must feel good to have someone see the good in you.

Griz

[vivekananda]

On a different note, try meditation or yoga or both.

We need to learn to practice mindfulness. We can learn to practice being in the present, recognising our emotional needs then meeting our own emotional needs.

You can recognise you are feeling the anxiety above and beyond what it should be. That is the first step. So what is the emotional needs that needs to be met? Why do you feel anxious? because you are scared maybe. This is your problem, not your dd's. It is your emotional need to feel reassured, to feel safe. So, reassure yourself "I am safe, I have a good dh, good friends, good family ... . " whatever your blessings are, count them out and reassure yourself. Recognise that this anxiety is not about your dd, it is about you - you are projecting your anxiety onto her, that's not helpful for anyone.

Meditation and yoga can help us learn to be in the present, to be more balanced, to be calmer. When practised long term and diligently, it teaches us how to recognise and meet our own emotional needs. But in the meantime we can consciously work on it too.

This is what I have learnt to do. Make sense?

Vivek      

[lovesjazz]

I do a lot of praying and scripture reading. We have no control... . only over ourselves. Unfortunately, our ds

Hasnt learned from his mistakes. I have to see that we have helped him all we could and back off. Otherwise, we will go down with him. We send him a phone card every month so he can call us. We have not abandone him, only his behaviors. It took a very long time to reach this point. Staying on this forum helps so much. The people here are the only ones who truly understand. Have you taken the NAMI family to family course?  It was a huge help. I was the queen of worry.