Help Need advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My daughter came home from Europe for a summer vacation with her boyfriend.  My BPD Husband has attacked her since the minute he's saw her after not seeing her for a year.  Now he says he is kicking her out of the house and does not want her here.  Can he legally kick her out if I invited her? 

[casper324]

My daughter came home from Europe for a summer vacation with her boyfriend.  My BPD Husband has attacked her since the minute he's saw her after not seeing her for a year.  Now he says he is kicking her out of the house and does not want her here.  Can he legally kick her out if I invited her? 

[ForeverDad]

Is there a reason you can't kick him out?  Unless it is your daughter seriously misbehaving, he seems to be the elephant in the room or am I missing something?

I looked back and a couple months ago you wrote you let him back into your life as long as he behaved himself.  Sounds like he didn't even try.  Now it's up to you, what are your boundaries, what will you tolerate, what will you excuse and acquiesce to, what behaviors are "too much"?

Legally, check with a family law or housing attorney.  However, if you own the home together I doubt he has legal basis to kick her out.  However, he can make her life hell until she does get distance from him, just as he has done with your life.

[casper324]

He won't go even with our other property vacant that we can't sell to get out of this mess.  I tried to explain in a rational way,  that our insurance carrier was dropping us because the house is vacant to convince him  to go, didn't work. 

Dad I may have to go back through my posts.  I knew the moment he crossed the boundary the last time  and I moved out of our bedroom that I was done.  I live peacefully because if I didn't the hate and resentment I feel for this guy would eat me alive and I'm just try to move forward.

The reason I am not at the other house is because I have a horse boarding business and 2 of my own horses that I need to care for here.   

[ForeverDad]

Your H is driving everyone away.  Ponder your part in this.  After years seeing his pattern of behaviors, why did you let him back after the TRO?  (No, no need to answer, we've all "been there, done that".)  Frankly, besides the risk of him going right back to his old patterns, that would have been the best time to have him begin living elsewhere.  Hindsight is so 20/20, isn't it?

Thoughts to ponder... .   You don't have custody issues, one problem I faced.  So you don't have to deal with that.  Yours are basically financial issues and abuse issues.  It's apparent he won't change and also won't cooperate.  Face it, you can't ever 'convince' him do anything he doesn't want to do.  (You are not an authority in his eyes - the only authority left are the courts.)  So you have to see what other options you have.  Time to brainstorm since he sure won't do it.  Two ways to get him 'out', assuming you have accepted that he's given you no other option... .

Option 1... . Next time he does something abusive, get him arrested again.  While he is out, file for divorce, seeking primary residence and not wimping out again and letting him back when he yet again makes empty promises to change.

Option 2... . File for divorce, seeking primary residence and not wimping out again and drooping the case when he yet again makes empty promises to change.

During a divorce all the details you can't get him to do can get settled or decided by the court: any alimony, property division or sales, etc.

Those are very similar but that's the two practical ways I see to resolve your years of stress and distress.  Since both involve divorce, the only authoritative way to make sure the property gets sold and your other problems are made more manageable, I strongly recommend you get inexpensive consultations with family law attorneys.  You don't have to hire anyone or pay a retainer to get consultations from multiple lawyers.  They will let you know your local legal options and probably outcomes.  They'll tell you whether you can seek alimony, how the property will be divided, how to seek primary residence and make sure he lives elsewhere henceforth.

Since your case, like ours, is likely to he a high conflict divorce, I fear a DIY package divorce by itself may miss important legal options and leverage you may have.  A fill-in-the-blanks form can't ponder your specific situation and concerns and give legal advice, lawyers can.

[casper324]

I agree Dad, and am taking a friends advice and simply put the retainer on a Credit Card.  My credit is shot now anyway .  I just didn't want lawyers to take the last of my money and wanted to do a no fault 50/50 split of debts and savings.  I think that could be a challenge with him and really do need guidance in this mess from a professional. 

I really appreciate your wisdom, thank you.

[mistrix]

I agree Dad, and am taking a friends advice and simply put the retainer on a Credit Card.  My credit is shot now anyway .  I just didn't want lawyers to take the last of my money and wanted to do a no fault 50/50 split of debts and savings.  I think that could be a challenge with him and really do need guidance in this mess from a professional. 

I really appreciate your wisdom, thank you.

With the former TRO, you can shoot for a DV divorce. Don't hand him a no fault, because he IS at fault. Call around to lawyers, consultations are free.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with mistrix, as emotionally beaten down over the years as you have been, you have some significant options and leverage, more than you realize.  Frankly, you've been conditioned to feel worthless and an inability to prosper.  Don't 'gift' your leverage away to him by acting too conservatively, too nicely, too fairly, too whatever.  The reality is that in a divorce you have to be businesslike and set the emotions aside.  From where you are now, that's hard right now, but recovery is a process, not an event.  It will come, in time.

For example, would a businessman or businesswoman say, ":)espite the other squandering our assets, ranting, raging, blaming and abusing, I will still seek only my half of what is left"?  No, his misbehaviors caused the majority of the problems, it's not right for you to assume the burden of the marital consequences.  Having said that, it's possible that you may not get everything you ask for from the court, an order, a decision or a settlement.  But that shouldn't stop you from asking for as much as possible.  (You'll come out far better with court decisions than you would trying to reason with him.)  Actually, that is a negotiation tactic, ask for a lot and settle for something less.  On the other hand, H doesn't know how to negotiate and will demand the sun, moon and stars and expect it all.  Don't be intimidated by it.  If he won't be reasonable (which is likely) then let the judge decide.  Secret: Let the judge be the Bad Guy.  If he claims, "How dare you do this to me?" then you just deflect his accusation away from you with the answer, "Hey, it's the judge/lawyer/mediator who decided that."

You don't have to hire and pay a retainer to the first attorney you consult.  Meet with a few.  Which give the best strategies?  Which are more capable lawyers, able to deal with high conflict and an obstructive spouse?  Of somewhat lesser importance but still noteworthy, which are you more comfortable with?  Be sure to mention his recent TRO.  That may be significant in your case.