Hurtful message from separated wife

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello Family,

In this post, I am likely to pose rhetorical questions that I really know the answers to after months of researching BPD and weeks of being on this site…nonetheless, I still felt the need to share.

My dBPDw, who moved out about six weeks ago, has been able to be pretty cordial in her communication (very LC) with me over the last few weeks.  Yes, she left quite suddenly, but she seemed to struggle with the decision intermittently over that time.  I’ve managed to be cordial as well…the word love was even bandied back and forth between us during that time.  She is actually in therapy (as am I), and as a means of seeing if there might be some way we can evaluate our relationship in a controlled environment, I asked if she might be open to the idea of therapeutic separation.  Instead of a polite ‘no’, she ripped into me, resenting the fact I would suggest such a thing and assuring me she was exponentially happier now that she had left a relationship she’d been unhappy with for three of the last 3.5 years (1.5 years married).  She was truly vicious, which doesn’t fit her usual waif-like behavior.  She also assured me that she was not ‘painting me black’, which was especially shocking, since I have never used that term with her under any circumstances.  Lastly, she claimed she’d finally been able to surround herself with people who truly understood her illness—her family.  Yet her family has always been the biggest source of drama for her (detached BPD mother whom she always said she hated, sexual abuse by uncle and deceased father, alcoholics, etc.).

This is a woman who begged me to marry her, begged me to never leave her, told me I was the most wonderful man she’d ever met, and was the most loving person I’d ever met in all of my life (when in her pull cycles, of course).  To feel the venom she unleashed out of nowhere was shocking.  I’ve given her no reason for such hate—I gave her everything I could during our marriage; took her on expensive vacations, showed her affection beyond that of any other couple we knew, and yes, rescued her from her various dramas over the course of our relationship as well.  Furthermore, I’ve even done my best to take care of her since she split.  Yes, maybe the shame of the situation is starting to set in with her, but I still found it incredibly startling, even after having read so many other peoples’ experiences on the site. 

Like I said, I know the answers to many of these behaviors, and I can mentally wrap my head around this, given my understanding of the illness…but emotionally, this has really served to set me back.  Like a lot of other people here, I suddenly feel as if everything that happened between us was a lie.

[Hazelrah]

Hello Family,

In this post, I am likely to pose rhetorical questions that I really know the answers to after months of researching BPD and weeks of being on this site…nonetheless, I still felt the need to share.

My dBPDw, who moved out about six weeks ago, has been able to be pretty cordial in her communication (very LC) with me over the last few weeks.  Yes, she left quite suddenly, but she seemed to struggle with the decision intermittently over that time.  I’ve managed to be cordial as well…the word love was even bandied back and forth between us during that time.  She is actually in therapy (as am I), and as a means of seeing if there might be some way we can evaluate our relationship in a controlled environment, I asked if she might be open to the idea of therapeutic separation.  Instead of a polite ‘no’, she ripped into me, resenting the fact I would suggest such a thing and assuring me she was exponentially happier now that she had left a relationship she’d been unhappy with for three of the last 3.5 years (1.5 years married).  She was truly vicious, which doesn’t fit her usual waif-like behavior.  She also assured me that she was not ‘painting me black’, which was especially shocking, since I have never used that term with her under any circumstances.  Lastly, she claimed she’d finally been able to surround herself with people who truly understood her illness—her family.  Yet her family has always been the biggest source of drama for her (detached BPD mother whom she always said she hated, sexual abuse by uncle and deceased father, alcoholics, etc.).

This is a woman who begged me to marry her, begged me to never leave her, told me I was the most wonderful man she’d ever met, and was the most loving person I’d ever met in all of my life (when in her pull cycles, of course).  To feel the venom she unleashed out of nowhere was shocking.  I’ve given her no reason for such hate—I gave her everything I could during our marriage; took her on expensive vacations, showed her affection beyond that of any other couple we knew, and yes, rescued her from her various dramas over the course of our relationship as well.  Furthermore, I’ve even done my best to take care of her since she split.  Yes, maybe the shame of the situation is starting to set in with her, but I still found it incredibly startling, even after having read so many other peoples’ experiences on the site. 

Like I said, I know the answers to many of these behaviors, and I can mentally wrap my head around this, given my understanding of the illness…but emotionally, this has really served to set me back.  Like a lot of other people here, I suddenly feel as if everything that happened between us was a lie.

[Perfidy]

I have that feeling about it all being a lie. There was so much dishonesty that I just assumed everything was a lie. Lack of respect. Lying to someone is disrespecting them. My ex disrespected me at every turn. I lived with that for almost eight years.

[Gaslit]

I asked if she might be open to the idea of therapeutic separation.  Instead of a polite ‘no’, she ripped into me...

In her mind, you just reaffirmed that You want to leave. Separation. (Never mind the facts, never mind if she chose it.) You're abandoning her for real.

This is her mind at work.

Thus, she freaked. And nah nah nah nah nah, you are bad, all her people are great, she is happy, she wants to leave you anyway. Bla bla. A 3-year-old reaction you get! Otherwise known as a BPD reaction.

[Hazelrah]

I asked if she might be open to the idea of therapeutic separation.  Instead of a polite ‘no’, she ripped into me...

In her mind, you just reaffirmed that You want to leave. Separation. (Never mind the facts, never mind if she chose it.) You're abandoning her for real.

This is her mind at work.

Thus, she freaked.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that.  She said she recognized it as my attempt to try and get back together, and she wanted no part of that.  I understand that it is pretty futile for a non to try to understand a BPD's mind or behavior, but I really didn't get the fear of separation from her outburst. She has been pretty adament about marching towards divorce, even before today.   

[Gaslit]

Okay, I just looked up therapeutic separation. It has Rules! No dating and all that... .

[Learning_curve74]

I asked if she might be open to the idea of therapeutic separation.  Instead of a polite ‘no’, she ripped into me...

In her mind, you just reaffirmed that You want to leave. Separation. (Never mind the facts, never mind if she chose it.) You're abandoning her for real.

This is her mind at work.

Thus, she freaked.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that.  She said she recognized it as my attempt to try and get back together, and she wanted no part of that.  I understand that it is pretty futile for a non to try to understand a BPD's mind or behavior, but I really didn't get the fear of separation from her outburst. She has been pretty adament about marching towards divorce, even before today.   

There was a huge disconnect between many things my BPDex would say and the things she did. To put it bluntly, she lied a lot. 

In her head, your wife is putting all the blame on you for abandoning her because she cannot accept any blame or shame in having contributed to your situation. Remember BPD think black/white. They also protect themselves by making you or somebody else the bad guy. 

On the other hand, I do think my BPDex loved me, and she loved me in the only ways she knew how: as her favorite playmate and/or toy. I finally realized that is not a great way for two adults to relate. 

[Hazelrah]

There really is a major disconnect in her words and behaviors.  For the length of our relationship, her mother was the devil in her eyes... . their fights were legendary, and she'd often say she wished the woman would simply die.  I could understand her anger, since the mother chose not to confront her brother-in-law for molesting her daughter (my W) as a child--it was unfathomable.  But now W is living in her home, and her mother is part of this team of people that suddenly 'understand her illness' so well.  It's just mind-boggling.

Still love the fact she made a point to say she wasn't painting me black--I'd never even used the term with her, and wasn't even talking about BPD in my communication with her.  She really seems to be embracing the role of BPD victim at this point.  She always wanted me to feel sorry for her, so I guess that's something that hasn't really changed.

It's just hard to see such a vindictive side of a woman that could be such a loving person.  I suppose if she lied about how eternally happy she was during our relationship, I should take her claims of new-found happiness with a grain of salt.