Setting boundariies might have backfired.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I warned my uBPD gf that I wasnot settling for her unacceptable behaviour when I was to return home after spending a few months with her (she is foreign).

And quickly the behaviour started. As the weeks have past since returning, I have puet e foot down more and more. 

I told her that I was not going to be available 24 hours a day to chat, that I had work to do and a life to get on with.  I was also no longer going accept being verbally abused; accused of cheating everytime I spent time with friends or family; asked what I was doing every half hour; asked constantly if I loved her (about 20 times a day); not being constantly told not to find any other girls; and not to get crap about emails and my FB which she constantly checks.

I am happy to talk to her every day but on a normal healthy level.

Well, she has now said that I am pushing her away with laying down all these rules (been asking for it for 19 months) and she is not happy with it but will do it because I have asked.

But she has also implied that there are other guys interested in her and that she will let me know if she meets someone (laughable).  And also says that whatever happens she loves me with all her heart. 

It feels to me like she is basically saying that if I do not accept all the cr*p that she will end up with someone else and it will be my fault.

Today she was mostly fine but when one of her friends (who is a nice quiet girl and I also know) added me she went on about how I should not have accepted and she did not like it.

My reply, "I don't care".  Her response was "ok" and then silence. I know I am in for silence for. A while now.

I certainly have felt better since putting my foot down on all these things but can't help but feel she is going to lose the "so called" love she has for me.  And I would be pretty sure she is in contact with other admirers.

I am not going to change my attitude to her behaviour. As far as I am concerned she accepts it or else we are not going to last.

But from what I have read, and am seeing, that laying down boundaries late into the relationship may just have the affect of pushing them away.

Anybody have experience with this?

[popeye6031]

I warned my uBPD gf that I wasnot settling for her unacceptable behaviour when I was to return home after spending a few months with her (she is foreign).

And quickly the behaviour started. As the weeks have past since returning, I have puet e foot down more and more. 

I told her that I was not going to be available 24 hours a day to chat, that I had work to do and a life to get on with.  I was also no longer going accept being verbally abused; accused of cheating everytime I spent time with friends or family; asked what I was doing every half hour; asked constantly if I loved her (about 20 times a day); not being constantly told not to find any other girls; and not to get crap about emails and my FB which she constantly checks.

I am happy to talk to her every day but on a normal healthy level.

Well, she has now said that I am pushing her away with laying down all these rules (been asking for it for 19 months) and she is not happy with it but will do it because I have asked.

But she has also implied that there are other guys interested in her and that she will let me know if she meets someone (laughable).  And also says that whatever happens she loves me with all her heart. 

It feels to me like she is basically saying that if I do not accept all the cr*p that she will end up with someone else and it will be my fault.

Today she was mostly fine but when one of her friends (who is a nice quiet girl and I also know) added me she went on about how I should not have accepted and she did not like it.

My reply, "I don't care".  Her response was "ok" and then silence. I know I am in for silence for. A while now.

I certainly have felt better since putting my foot down on all these things but can't help but feel she is going to lose the "so called" love she has for me.  And I would be pretty sure she is in contact with other admirers.

I am not going to change my attitude to her behaviour. As far as I am concerned she accepts it or else we are not going to last.

But from what I have read, and am seeing, that laying down boundaries late into the relationship may just have the affect of pushing them away.

Anybody have experience with this?

[dotSlash]

Yes, I have found that setting financial boundaries has set my gf off numerous times. I thought I was clear last time I was painted black for saying I could not afford to buy her [list of impulse purchases], but I could treat her to something once in a while because she is special to me. But alas, the exact same thing happened this week, and we are nc now. I tried to tell her that this is the exact same thing we discussed a month ago, but to defend yourself against an angry person is just telling them that their anger is not justified, and she got even angrier. The best thing you can do is keep your foot down - if you tell her something is not cool, don't stand for it. Be a strong person, because the moment you let other people control your decisions in life, is the moment it's not your life anymore.[/list]

[emotionaholic]

After learning about BPD and that I need to set boundaries for my own sanity.  I set my first boundary regarding my best friend of 20 years and his wife.  Gf utterly hates them and has told me more than once that she does not like my friendship with them.  I in turn had been distancing myself from my friends but finally decided NO!  I told her that I was going to go out on my boat with them one Sunday and that is the last I have heard from the gf.  That was about a month and a half ago.  I guess she did not like boundaries.

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm liking the strength I see here. You guys have not cracked yet. Emotionaholic, giving up your best friend of 20 years is not on - good on you! I bet she doesn't have such a friendship.

I certainly have felt better since putting my foot down on all these things but can't help but feel she is going to lose the "so called" love she has for me.  And I would be pretty sure she is in contact with other admirers.

Yes you are right, Popeyes. She will lose the "love" she has for you because what she really loves is what you do for her and how you enable her. It's not you that she loves. Yes, it is guaranteed that she has other admirers because they are usually predators.  They need other guys hanging around to boost their ego and they also feel the need to have one over you.  When you catch them out they are the biggest cowards and the most pathetic creatures.

As I said, you haven't  cracked yet so there is a good chance you can get rid of her without feeling guilty and going through the mess that won't allow you to have the balls that you're displaying right now.

[slimmiller]

Kuddos for standing up for yourself! Wish I had, it would have saved many years of misery and co-dependency.

If you love someone you dont have to tell them 20 times a day and neither do they need to tell you that often. If it needs said that often its probably a lie and they are 'trying' to make themselves believe it

[popeye6031]

Soundsl ike a few of you are getting or have been  hit hard on the finance end of things.  I certainly have spent a lot of money to make things work.  Only appreciated when she is in a good mood.

As I said I am feeling a lot better setting these boundaries and sticking to them.  The way I look at it all is if she goes and gets another guy as a result, I will be happy knowing I did all I could and be free from the stress of the whole thing.  Good lcuk to the new dude is what I wil be saying.

AussieOzborn, you have made a valid pont alright "what she really loves is what you do for her and how you enable her".  I have been thinking about this a lot recently.  Sad to think that it is not really love but if it is the case, then better off without them.  Only getting a superficial love when you bow to their every demand.  No way!