Mirror mirror... was I in love with myself?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I did not really think about the mirroring aspect of BPD until just recently. I admit, I have felt like my uBPDexbf (waif-type) was/is my soulmate. He displays so many wonderful qualities that I have always loved about him.

But just recently a few things came to my attention. Early in our relationship he came up with a nickname for me, and my nickname for him was "Chocolate" (he is Mexican and dark skinned so it seemed fitting). Recently, I was joking around with him and for some reason I called him Chocolito. It struck him as funny and we both ended up in a fit of laughter over this. Anyways, then instead of his usual nickname for me, he started calling me "Chocolita". I thought it was cute and although the thought occurred to me that it was strange that he almost dropped the original nickname completely it was really just a fleeting thought.

But now I am suddenly seeing more pieces of the puzzle come together. Since we met, he has never been able to make a decision or plan anything. He used to always say "You're the boss, you decide" (funny being that I have always been known as indecisive and am nothing close to a "boss). But he really left me with no choice. He followed my lead completely. I chalked this up to him being new to the country and not familiar with my city, or the other city where we would meet up (halfway between his place and mine) so I did my best to come up with plans for us. The most he would usually decide was what to eat... . but he loved food so I guess that was easy for him! I told him when I come to his town to visit it was his turn to be boss. This appeared a huge struggle for him. He kept saying "no you are the boss." And I would say, no way we're in your town so YOU decide what we will do. He would continually ask me what I wanted to do. I would keep telling him I was happy with anything eh decided. He would eventually come up with something and then ask me if that was ok and I would tell him again I was happy with whatever he decided.

Now, after breaking up, I am noticing his text messages either tend to repeat the same things over and over, or that they mirror my responses. For example, he will repeatedly say things like "I can't imagine not having you in my life" or "I don't want to lose you". My responses of course are always different (but still saying it's over) and rather than responding to what I have said (for example I might say "I never wanted to lose you either but I think we are both better off. I could not live with the choices you were making any longer and our relationship was unhealthy. I still love the person you are, I just can't continue as your girlfriend" and he will come back with an almost exact repeat of what he originally sent me in the first place. Another example, he sent me a text message and I responded by saying I can't continue with this relationship but I love you and that will not change. Then he sends me a song on facebook and writes "I love you and that will never change".

Has anyone else noticed this to such a degree in your relationships with your pwBPD?

I am starting to notice that the things he says appear to be mirrors of what I say and it is almost as if he has no mind to think on his own right now. It's like without me there to mirror, he is lost.

Now looking back, Ican't imagine how much of my behaviour, my words, our jokes, etc were actually just him mirroring me. It's a strange phenomenon! I have always felt myself to be a bit of a chameleon depending who I was around. But I have never seen this (or done this) to such an extreme as what I am noticing in him.

Now it makes me wonder... . if he has been closely mirroring me this whole time, did I just fall in love... . with myself?

[eternity75]

I did not really think about the mirroring aspect of BPD until just recently. I admit, I have felt like my uBPDexbf (waif-type) was/is my soulmate. He displays so many wonderful qualities that I have always loved about him.

But just recently a few things came to my attention. Early in our relationship he came up with a nickname for me, and my nickname for him was "Chocolate" (he is Mexican and dark skinned so it seemed fitting). Recently, I was joking around with him and for some reason I called him Chocolito. It struck him as funny and we both ended up in a fit of laughter over this. Anyways, then instead of his usual nickname for me, he started calling me "Chocolita". I thought it was cute and although the thought occurred to me that it was strange that he almost dropped the original nickname completely it was really just a fleeting thought.

But now I am suddenly seeing more pieces of the puzzle come together. Since we met, he has never been able to make a decision or plan anything. He used to always say "You're the boss, you decide" (funny being that I have always been known as indecisive and am nothing close to a "boss). But he really left me with no choice. He followed my lead completely. I chalked this up to him being new to the country and not familiar with my city, or the other city where we would meet up (halfway between his place and mine) so I did my best to come up with plans for us. The most he would usually decide was what to eat... . but he loved food so I guess that was easy for him! I told him when I come to his town to visit it was his turn to be boss. This appeared a huge struggle for him. He kept saying "no you are the boss." And I would say, no way we're in your town so YOU decide what we will do. He would continually ask me what I wanted to do. I would keep telling him I was happy with anything eh decided. He would eventually come up with something and then ask me if that was ok and I would tell him again I was happy with whatever he decided.

Now, after breaking up, I am noticing his text messages either tend to repeat the same things over and over, or that they mirror my responses. For example, he will repeatedly say things like "I can't imagine not having you in my life" or "I don't want to lose you". My responses of course are always different (but still saying it's over) and rather than responding to what I have said (for example I might say "I never wanted to lose you either but I think we are both better off. I could not live with the choices you were making any longer and our relationship was unhealthy. I still love the person you are, I just can't continue as your girlfriend" and he will come back with an almost exact repeat of what he originally sent me in the first place. Another example, he sent me a text message and I responded by saying I can't continue with this relationship but I love you and that will not change. Then he sends me a song on facebook and writes "I love you and that will never change".

Has anyone else noticed this to such a degree in your relationships with your pwBPD?

I am starting to notice that the things he says appear to be mirrors of what I say and it is almost as if he has no mind to think on his own right now. It's like without me there to mirror, he is lost.

Now looking back, Ican't imagine how much of my behaviour, my words, our jokes, etc were actually just him mirroring me. It's a strange phenomenon! I have always felt myself to be a bit of a chameleon depending who I was around. But I have never seen this (or done this) to such an extreme as what I am noticing in him.

Now it makes me wonder... . if he has been closely mirroring me this whole time, did I just fall in love... . with myself?

[Katy-Did]

Has anyone else noticed this to such a degree in your relationships with your pwBPD?

Sure.  Mirroring appears to be a common occurrence in the world of BPD.  The person w/BPD mirrors others to feed their needs just as mirroring

feeds ours (non-BPD).  The question we may ask ourselves is (a) what needs are satisfied by being mirrored and then... . (b) why. 

Another common occurrence is when the pwBPD attempts to recycle back into your life.  Relationships with individuals w/BPD can be intense, emotionally invigorating and highly addictive.  What will you do if/when your ex tries to re-enter your life?