Yes

[rogerroger]

It took over a year, but I am now divorced.

Here's the good news: I was awarded full custody of the kids. Ex continues to have only supervised visitation. The court didn't even increase the number of hours. She was also ordered to get counseling and to take parenting classes.

I don't think things would have turned out nearly as well if it hadn't been for this forum. It was here that I first got the advice to document as much as possible and to invest in a pocket audio recorder. At several crucial points during the process she claimed that it had been I, not she, who had issued threats of violence and arson. In both cases I had provided audio recordings of her making those threats. She had also tried to claim that I had not been compliant with the court's orders regarding visitation. Again, I had carefully documented her contact with the kids and my information was corroborated by her own parents.

On the day of the trial, I had expected her to kick up the most fuss over the custody/visitation issue. Instead, rather bizarrely I thought, she signed off on the custody recommendation without resistance and instead tried to argue that she was entitled to some of my family property that was clearly premarital. The only possible reason for her to do this was because she knew it was very important to me, so she was obviously trying to hit me where she believed it would hurt the most. I have to wonder whether she was so focused on trying to stick it to me that the truly substantive issues just didn't come into her view.

I'll end up paying more in legal fees that I had wanted, but given how well things worked out I consider it money well spent. Of course, I know without a doubt that there will be more expenses and more drama to come. If there is one thing I have learned well, it is that people with BPD are very good at creating difficulties where none should exist. But for now, at least, her toxic influence on the kids will be at least kept to a minimum.

Massive thanks to everyone here who has provided advice and support, and for those who are still in the fight, I'm in your corner.

[atcrossroads]

Congrats!  Yes, money well spent!   

[catnap]

I am so happy for your win in court! 

 

[ForeverDad]

Oh what a relief it is.

I don't think things would have turned out nearly as well if it hadn't been for this forum... .

Massive thanks to everyone here who has provided advice and support, and for those who are still in the fight, I'm in your corner.

Information/education and peer support are crucial in our cases.

... . and instead tried to argue that she was entitled to some of my family property that was clearly premarital. The only possible reason for her to do this was because she knew it was very important to me, so she was obviously trying to hit me where she believed it would hurt the most. I have to wonder whether she was so focused on trying to stick it to me that the truly substantive issues just didn't come into her view.

This too is encouraged, let the disordered person focus on what they perceive as important - such as causing us pain - while they let slip by the really important decisions.  "Allowing misdirection" I guess is the phrase, it may not sound fair but hey they weren't fair to us or the kids, were they?  Sadly, in high conflict divorces we can't afford to be overly-fair, overly-open or overly-whatever or else we would have been sabotaging ourselves and the kids.

[livednlearned]

So glad to hear this rogerroger -- congratulations to you and your kids.  

Do they know that you have full custody? I was awarded full custody, too, but kind of bungled how I handled it. S12's T said to let him know, but he really didn't care one way or the other, and the ruling doesn't really change much -- at least in terms of S12's daily life.

Anyway, hope this brings some closure to you. The legal bills are awful, but when things go in your favor, it's hard to argue that it wasn't money well spent.

[GaGrl]

Outstanding!

[eeyore]

congrats!

[rogerroger]

Do they know that you have full custody?

They are too young (6) to understand what that really means. What they do know is that they will live with me and will get to visit Mommy a few times a week. It's tough because they enjoy seeing her, but they also know something is not quite right with her. One of the factors was that the kids backed up my complaint that ex-w was making negative comments about me and my family. They know the things she says are not true, and I have talked to them about the fact that she sometimes says things that are not true, that they don't have to agree with her, and that they can trust their own feelings. I have explained that her behavior is the reason why she doesn't live with us anymore. I have a good therapist who has been helping me with assisting them through everything. But at least her ability to influence them has been minimized.

The biggest problem was that the supervisors weren't monitoring her closely enough to catch all of her negative comments about my side of the family. That problem has hopefully been taken care of, but if not, a change in supervisors will be necessary.