Stay silent or speak out?

[dotSlash]

I have found out recently that after our last "fight" and nc period, which is still ongoing (nearing day 5), my uBPD gf has been telling all her friends what I have "done". I have been heavily villainized for crimes I didn't commit, and I am seeing one of her friends today. It is their birthday and I already told them last week that I would come over to drop off our (my gf and I) gift for them since I can't make the celebration this weekend. I am wondering if I should show this friend of hers, who is friends with all her others, the wave of unfair and hurtful texts I have received and tell them about some of the stories of what she's done. Possibly mention that she needs help. From what I understand, they all believe I am a bad person, but this particular friend has been a mutual friend with us for a year, and he knows me fairly well. I don't know if it's honestly a good idea to tell them any of this, or if I should just disappear into the shadows, keeping to myself the knowledge of how miserable and horrible she has been acting, and she has a disorder. It is difficult for me to think that all these people believe the lies that they've been told, and I want the truth to be out! I'm a person who likes closure, but it seems like in this case knowing that she has a mental illness may have to be closure enough.

[SadWifeofBPD]

It's a hard call either way.

If this is a person that you can trust to give you a "fair shake" then you might want to share your side.  But, you wouldn't want this person to then go to your GF and share what you've said.

It's a hard call because if this friend believes you and then shares with the others, it will get back to your GF and then she'll really be angry for "smearing her" (even tho she smeared you (wrongly) first)

Sometimes it's better to just be "the nice person" and let your actions speak louder than words.  Too bad you can't make the event this weekend, that would be an opportunity for you to be "the nice person"... while your GF would likely show herself to be the problem.

[dotSlash]

The other problem is that we are nc. If it gets back to her that I went all the way to her friends place (2 hours round-trip) just to give her OUR gift, she may push back even further. Our original plan, before she raged over nothing and went nc, was to go to the party together, but she's since told me not to come and so I told my boss I would work overtime on the weekend to help with a company release - something I cannot back out of now. I also really need the money.

I have plans, if we get into contact again, to set boundaries - something I've only minimally done so far. But I am fairly certain if we remain nc for much longer, she will flip to another guy, despite us have over a year of loyal commitment. Painful to think about

[Aussie0zborn]

Why not just plan to get this misery out of your life?

If you sent her a wave of offensive text messages she would already have shown everybody. And you are afraid that if you show them her text messages you will get into trouble? This is not a balanced relationship and never will be. 

Setting boundaries won't stop you fearing her.  Get used to being scared and wondering what the right move is each time you want to take a breath. Should you be inhaling or exhaling? Get it wrong and you will be in big trouble.

It's called walking on eggshells. It kills your self esteem and causes a lot of pain requiring a long and painful healing process. Why not just get out while it is still early enough?

[momtara]

This is always a conundrum.  You don't want people thinking badly of you.  They may even help the situation if they know the truth.  But you don't want to be seen as betraying her or talking ill.

You could maybe say something like 'I've heard a lot of things that have been said about me, and they're untrue, but I don't want to get too personal.  Just please feel free to ask me anything if you can keep my responses in confidence."

You may regret it later if you don't at least try to set the record straight in a careful way.