Advice About Custody Case, please?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I'm new here, just posted on the NEWBIE board and they suggested that I venture over here. We're having a horrible time of it in the legal system, with my step-kiddos BPDBioMother! She is such a successful liar and victim player, and she got the house and possessions and my bf only got the marital debt, so she afforded a lawyer for the divorce were as we could not. The divorce was initiated more than 2 years ago now, we began with 100% custody (when I met my bf, he only had weekends in an attempt to keep the kids in the schools that they had been going to and that were working soo well with the oldest and his emotional outbursts - shortly after I met him, I helped him remove the kids from her custody, well, we had the kids that night and his sister watched them while they slept, while my bf's ex's sister and her boyfriend helped me and my bf pack-up and remove the kid's belongings from her house in the middle of the night, while she was at the guys house she had cheated on my bf with), but with each proceeding hearing she was awarded more and more kid time, and by the final orders, she is now 50/50 decision maker and parenting responsibility.

She refuses family therapy and won't go to any of the parent training classes on how to handle my emotionally distraught stepson!  I have heard so many scary stories about her... . a road-rage crash, with a 6-year-old in the front seat, not in a car seat, that sent two other drivers of other cars to the hospital from the scene of the accident... . shoving a toy into a 6-year-olds chest, nearly pushing him backwards down the stairs if he hadn't caught himself on the railing as he did... . grabbing a 3-year-olds arm to reprimand her, so hard that the kiddo held her arm and said it hurt for a week, but BPDmom refused to let anyone take her to the hospital to see if it was seriously injured... . kicking my boyfriend in the back of the head while he was driving on the highway, with her little baby in the back of the car with her... . the stories keep going... . She has no sense of safety or boundary, she only cares what she wants and when she wants it.  She is also a very heavy drinker, and she apparently told my oldest step-kiddo that she said she drinks in the morning to stop shaking, as can be read in one of his school reports.

We need legal help, but we can't afford much... . it sucks! if anyone knows any good CO lawyers or law firms that are familiar with parental BPD cases, any leads would be very much appreciated! Or perhaps any good therapists, possibly even one that is willing to testify in courts... .

Thank you all so much for this community!   

[annii]

Hi, I'm new here, just posted on the NEWBIE board and they suggested that I venture over here. We're having a horrible time of it in the legal system, with my step-kiddos BPDBioMother! She is such a successful liar and victim player, and she got the house and possessions and my bf only got the marital debt, so she afforded a lawyer for the divorce were as we could not. The divorce was initiated more than 2 years ago now, we began with 100% custody (when I met my bf, he only had weekends in an attempt to keep the kids in the schools that they had been going to and that were working soo well with the oldest and his emotional outbursts - shortly after I met him, I helped him remove the kids from her custody, well, we had the kids that night and his sister watched them while they slept, while my bf's ex's sister and her boyfriend helped me and my bf pack-up and remove the kid's belongings from her house in the middle of the night, while she was at the guys house she had cheated on my bf with), but with each proceeding hearing she was awarded more and more kid time, and by the final orders, she is now 50/50 decision maker and parenting responsibility.

She refuses family therapy and won't go to any of the parent training classes on how to handle my emotionally distraught stepson!  I have heard so many scary stories about her... . a road-rage crash, with a 6-year-old in the front seat, not in a car seat, that sent two other drivers of other cars to the hospital from the scene of the accident... . shoving a toy into a 6-year-olds chest, nearly pushing him backwards down the stairs if he hadn't caught himself on the railing as he did... . grabbing a 3-year-olds arm to reprimand her, so hard that the kiddo held her arm and said it hurt for a week, but BPDmom refused to let anyone take her to the hospital to see if it was seriously injured... . kicking my boyfriend in the back of the head while he was driving on the highway, with her little baby in the back of the car with her... . the stories keep going... . She has no sense of safety or boundary, she only cares what she wants and when she wants it.  She is also a very heavy drinker, and she apparently told my oldest step-kiddo that she said she drinks in the morning to stop shaking, as can be read in one of his school reports.

We need legal help, but we can't afford much... . it sucks! if anyone knows any good CO lawyers or law firms that are familiar with parental BPD cases, any leads would be very much appreciated! Or perhaps any good therapists, possibly even one that is willing to testify in courts... .

Thank you all so much for this community!   

[ForeverDad]

Was the latest decision made recently?  I ask because appeal time frames are very strict usually only 3 to 4 weeks are given to appeal.  Remember that appeals can include only information presented to court, you can't include or refer to other information.

Sadly, parenting, especially in our cases, is a marathon, not a sprint.

Do what you can, even if it doesn't feel like it is enough.  The kids will know at some level that you've done and are doing what you reasonably can.

[annii]

Yea, we just found out a week ago yesterday the arbitration ruling, the permanent order's hearing was more than a year ago now. We're working on finding a lawyer that doesn't think this is a waste of time. But from the looks of it, they all want us to wait until there is an injury. I say there has already been an injury, when my stepson came home with a broken arm from playing on the trampoline with no one watching, he said he had to lay there screaming for a while before any adult showed up. The thought of waiting for domestic violence to happen is a gut wrenching thing! One of our pieces of evidence when the divorce case started, that was inadmissible in court, was the numerous domestic violence charges of the kiddo's BPDmom's boyfriend, they all live with over there for half of their lives... . and with a BPD woman lying to him and by now, I'm sure, seriously pushing his buttons after nearly 3 years... . this is going to be bad... . We're thinking about going to talk to her neighbors to keep their eyes open for any fighting over there, and if they hear/see anything, to please call the police!

Thanks for your reply   

This community is awesome!

[catnap]

You can do a lot of the work yourself. . .gather as many of the incident reports you can--her road rage incident, etc.  You can check local county records (most counties have them available on-line) and do a criminal check on the new bf.  You can also check your bf's ex-wife.  It seems you have done quite a bit of that already.

Write down the children's stories.  Photograph bruises/injuries.  Take them to a doctor to have them examined if they come to your home hurt.  If the child tells them my mommy did it--they are required by law to notify child protective services.   The idea is to show a regular pattern of bad/poor behavior. 

We're thinking about going to talk to her neighbors to keep their eyes open for any fighting over there, and if they hear/see anything, to please call the police!

That might be a good strategy if you or your b/f are confident that they won't tell her.  If I am not mistaken, they can make the call and remain anonymous.  Sometimes neighbors do not want to get involved.

Some attorneys do free consultations.  You can find out quite a bit how things work where you live that way and if they have any experience with high-conflict people.  It is helpful to have everything organized before the visit. So that they have a clear picture of what has occurred, and what you want to achieve.  Do not be embarrassed to mention a tight budget and that you are willing to do whatever you can to help alleviate costs.

[livednlearned]

We need legal help, but we can't afford much... . it sucks! if anyone knows any good CO lawyers or law firms that are familiar with parental BPD cases, any leads would be very much appreciated! Or perhaps any good therapists, possibly even one that is willing to testify in courts... .

If all you can afford is consultations with Ls, do that. Some are even free, or $50-$100. A big part of working with an L is telling them your goals (say, sole custody), and then figuring out a strategy. So sit down with your bf and figure out the strategy and goals: We want sole custody, or whatever it is you have in mind. Then the strategy: I don't know what it would be, but at a minimum, document every incident and enlist the help of the neighbors. Gather all incident reports and use email as much as possible to create a documented trail of correspondence with doctors, counselors, school, etc. Show that your stepson gets worse when he spends more time with his biomom. An L can help you with this part, but do some preliminary work. I really believe you have to be a good client just as much as you need a good L. When you go in to talk to someone, tell them that you are willing to do whatever you can to do what's best for SS, and then ask for ways to help save money. Ask if you can write the motions yourself, or do your own photocopying. Or prepare your own binder. There are Ls who are good people, and they want to see the good guys win. My L is expensive, but she knocked off $1000 from my bill because we developed a good r/s. And she helped me figure out ways to save money with her. I never send her emails with attachments (more expensive), she will tell me in an email if she is not charging me for it, like when she emails to see how I'm doing, how S12 is doing. She also let me pay her in installments -- even when I was all paid up, I continued to pay her because we both knew this was going to continue. And it did.

To find an L in your area, you can search "high-conflict divorce" or "parental alienation" and find Ls who may have experience with PDs. But don't assume - ask them what they know about PDs and if they have successfully represented clients in the past who ended up getting sole custody.

Same thing with counselors. Look for "reunification" -- those Ts are expert in dealing with parental alienation, which tends to go hand in hand with PDs. You need someone who can also look for signs of BPD in your bf's son.

Some things that often get recommended here: Splitting by Bill Eddy (dealing with pwBPD in the family law court system). And Richard Warshaw's Divorce Poison. A must-read, even if the alienation is not your biggest worry. It's probably going on even if you can't detect it.

I would also recommend the Power of Validation to help your bf's son with his emotional outbursts. It was a godsend for me when my son was experiencing similar problems with his feelings.

Your bf is lucky to have you 

[livednlearned]

Strategies that some of us have used include depositions (very good at helping nail down lies that pwBPD tell). Also using a parenting coordinator, a third-party professional (use a psychologist, not a lawyer, if your state uses parenting coordinators). Custody evaluations might be part of the strategy. Or you may decide to file motions for contempt of court every time she does not adhere to the custody order.

Things like that.

[DreamGirl]

One of our pieces of evidence when the divorce case started, that was inadmissible in court, was the numerous domestic violence charges of the kiddo's BPDmom's boyfriend, they all live with over there for half of their lives... . and with a BPD woman lying to him and by now, I'm sure, seriously pushing his buttons after nearly 3 years... . this is going to be bad... . We're thinking about going to talk to her neighbors to keep their eyes open for any fighting over there, and if they hear/see anything, to please call the police!

Not legal advice here, but more of an advice in "parenting" when there is a viable threat of DV in a previous spouse's home situation.

My stepdaughters' Mama lived with a boyfriend who showed all the components of being an abusive partner.  It was an objective, educated observation on my part. (He was possessive and jealous, controlling, demeaning towards her, stalked her during a break-up, superior/narcississtic personality, etc.) The tell-tale signs were all there with the behavior escalating. I saw it a mile away, also knowing from what I read in Kreger's books (Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Essential Family Guide)that it is not uncommon for a pwBPD to equalize their inner turmoil/feelings of not being in control by partnering up with someone who is controlling.    

So, at the oh-so-young age of 11, we established a "safety plan" for my oldest stepdaughter. Unfortunately, she ended up using it. When an argument became physical, she grabbed her mama's cell phone, locked herself in the bathroom with her sisters, and called her Dad. He, in turn, called 911 and met them at the house.

My husband did not use it as a source to obtain custody, but more of a way to keep his daughters safe.

Do you think you could establish a similar safety plan for your kiddos?

In a no-finger-pointing, non frightening way?

[mamachelle]

Hi annil,

I met you over on the new member board. I am a stepmom and also a mom. Both my DH and I have BPD exes. You've gotten some great legal advice here above from many. Just want to add in that DG's idea for a safety plan seems like a good idea if possible.


Both my 2DD also at the age of 8 and 10 called me during a frightening incident with BPD Dad and I was able to come get them. BPDDad's behaviors did get worse and worse and he physically abused my younger DD then 10 now 14. Her counselor called DCFS and I filed a motion for many things including supervised visitation. I was lucky as their Dad gave up, refused to work with or pay the GAL and basically fled the state.

My SS when he was 10 was given a cell phone to call when needed with BPD BioMom.

Can your oldest step kid be given his own cell ?

Also with school starting it's important to be in contact with the new school to make sure the IEPs are transferred so the kids have support.

I guess what I am trying to say is school is starting and there should be as smooth a transition as possible to help ease things. Anything you and BF can do to stay involved is important. School is one area where you do have a voice and don't need a judge.

One of my SS now 15 has an IEP mostly for behavioral issues but also for LDs. Have your step kids been evaluated for LDs to make sure that is not also part of the picture in their behavior, Both my SS10 and 15 have serious behavioral problems and are on the autism spectrum.

Make sure all 3 of your kids are seeing the school social worker.

School personnel are mandated reporters of DV.

When kids are with you be calm and supportive.

I know you can't stand the school system there but your H needs to find a way to work with them to get the kids the best support they can.

Many areas have IEP advocates that are not super expensive.

I realize this post is a little scattered but I am trying to type and keep my S2 from hitting the post button.

mamachelle