Cameras

[raytamtay3]

We had to install cameras in our home and outside our home because we have a house rule where nobody is allowed in the house when we are not present. Well 14 yo DD is defying us on this as well. So now we have proof because she denies it.  We even set up our phones where we can view what's going on when we aren't home. We have them placed facing the front door, outside facing the outside door and another outside facing the driveway.

Today we witnessed her letting her friend in, them constantly eating, them giving the cameras the finger and the friend saying "F cameras".

My book order just came in as well. Someone recommended "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" and I'm looking forward to reading it tonight after a nice relaxing hot bath. Oh joy. Anyone read it and if so, did you find it useful?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Oh and btw, we installed them on Sunday. Sunday night we got a nice treat to view for the first time. That being my daughter puking in the driveway because she was drunk. 13 people... .

All on video though. My DH and I laughed our asses off.  She asked me to pick her up and I could tell she was drinking. The 5 minute ride home I was saying "you better not throw up in my car"! Just made it in the driveway when she puked out the car window. I opened the door, pushed her out (gently) and she puked all over. The next morning, still sick as a dog. Of course I had to ask her if she wanted some nice runny eggs and sausage for breakfast. 

[Being Mindful]

Hi raytamtay3,

Welcome!

Just want to stop by and let you know that I have read your posts. I can hear your frustration and anger. I'm sure you are exhausted. I remember exactly the place that you are at. My BPD.d is almost 21. Her symptoms started at a very young age. The teen years were horrific. In all those years, I never thought that there was hope for something different, something better to help with her illness. Eventually, I found lots of support. I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells (a couple of times, actually), my dh and I have been in NAMI parent support groups, took NAMI classes, learned DBT. Plus, I read Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. Somewhere along the way, I found this website where I could safely vent and share with others. The other great thing about this site is the various workshops and information that really helped me face the fact that change had to come from me. Yeah crazy right! Our kids are the ones who are sick, not us. Why in the heck should we change? The answer is that our kids are not capable to begin the change. My d. only started to improve when we made changes... . slowly at first when I figured out my value based boundaries, then eventually validation etc. etc.

All of this was a lot of work, however I am happy to report that my d. is actually doing fairly well. She lives independently with minimal support from us. The best thing is that our relationship with her is still intact.

So, I wanted to share with you that there is hope for a better tomorrow. Since your dh is not currently able to see the illness, would he be willing to attend a NAMI course, or read some books?

How about your d.? Is she in therapy?

Looking forward to hearing from you and learning how we can help.

[vivekananda]

Hi raytamtay3   I would like to join in the welcome 

Are you at that stage where you remember all your hopes for your baby girl when she was born and see those hopes drifting away with a sense of horror for what is happening? It is so, so sad to see the one you love behave so. BPD plus teenage years are hell.

I would like to say that Being Mindful has said all that I would want to. I would also recommend Valerie Porr's book: Overcoming BPD. It is written by a mother of a daughter with BPD and is an excellent companion to Randi Kreger's book. I have read both books. Walking on eggshells was an introduction to the whole thing for me, but Porr's book is something I have by my side and still refer to. When I read Randi's book, it was almost in one sitting ... . but Porr's book seemed to speak to me as a parent and it gave me solid advice on our two tools we use here: validation and boundary setting.

I am glad you are with us raytam,

Vivek      

ps now to read your second thread 

[raytamtay3]

  Hi. Thank you both for your responses. Yes,  I am at my wits end. I'm so tired of riding this roller coaster and I just want off!

I love my daughter more than words can say. I can never stay mad at her because of this love and oftentimes because of this love, I feel like I'm enabling her. Despite everything, we have a bond. The moments my daughter comes back to me (stable) are the greatests moments of my life (usually lasts no more than two days). Then when the illness (unstable) moods come out, I feel like I am in hell (could last weeks). I feel beaten down and just literally want to crawl into a ball and sleep all day. It's so hard watching this all unfold. It's so hard to think that while things will improve somewhat, this illness with be with her forever and it breaks my heart and makes me feel so helpless to think that she will carry this pain, this anger, this whatever, for the rest of her life. Sometimes I just want to wave the white flag and let her do whatever she wants. Want to stay out until 12 am at 13 every night? Go ahead. Want to leave the house a wreck and have me clean it up? Go ahead. Don't want to go to school? Ok, drop out. It's exhausting. I've been fighting this fight for going on 11 years. The thought of it going on for many more years to come is just too much to bear.

Anyway I am definetly getting that book 'Overcoming BPD'. I wish I knew about that one first considering it's written by a mother of a daughter with BPD. Darn it. I get like this from time to time. Want to give up. Throw in the towel. And I always brush myself off and continue my fight against this illness, which I know you all do too. So bear with me through these vents. It's all part of the emotional rollercoaster. I love my daughter. I want to help her get better. End of story.

[Being Mindful]

Hi Ray, Yes, the thought of this going on for many years is sad and exhausting just to think of it. However, lots of people have found ways to cope BPD, some say that they have recovered. I continue to hope that my daughter will continue to improve. It is very hard to determine enabling, love, supporting etc. It's especially hard when they are teens and are suffering from this mental illness. Continue reading here, getting support from all of us and start focusing on yourself first... . self care, changing yourself and how you react etc.

We are here to help.

[twojaybirds]

Welcome.  This board and Valerie's book  Overcoming  saved my sanity.  Glad you found us.  Keep posting and reading.

As for cameras, I considered it but didn't do it because everything hit the SH$$$  the night I hid under my bed texting her pretending not to be here to start to sort out the craziness of what was really going on.  Yikes.  Now a year and a half later I fell great about myself, and stronger knowing what I need to do for me.  Stick around here and you will get there too.

[vivekananda]

Hey raytam, Walking on Eggshells is good too. It is worth reading as much as you can.

In the meantime do you want to watch UTube?

Here is a great video on 'validation' by a really nice guy and expert on BPD. It goes for about 50mins and you really need a pen an paper with you to take notes:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

This can give you some ideas on how better to get along with your dd. I highly recommend it. and it is worth rewatching too!

Cheers,

Vivek      

ps let me know if you find it helpful, ok?