I want to move on

[Eric1]

I really do. I can't cope with thinking about her everyday. I am doing everything imaginally possible to move on and forget about her, but i can't stop thinking and analyzing everything.

I sent my message of appology to clear my conscience because i had regrets & guilt. I wasn't expecting a reply, but she called me the following morning asking for some files i had on my computer that she needed, bit random. She mentioned the message and said that she didn't know what to say, i said it doesn't warrant a reply. She ended the phone call by saying 'speak to you soon'. I havn't contacted since, it's hard, but i need NC.

The problem i have is I know we won't get back together, but i'm still hoping we will & I want to forget about her and move on, but my head keeps pulling me back.

I need to detach and maintain NC, but I keep wanting to reach out to her.

[Scout99]

Dear Eric!

I wish there was some pill or potion out there that we could take to instantly get past the discomfort of mourning a lost love... .

But there is not... .There are no short cuts. All you can do is move forward and go through it!

It does take time, and it also takes effort in actually staying in the discomfort of it... .I believe we get ourselves in more and more tough times in life in order to learn how to actually endure some discomfort, since most of us truly suck at that. And still a huge portion of life is about enduring the hard times... .It is through them we mature. And it is through them we learn what is important to ourselves and our lives... .So to strive for a life without any discomfort or pain is like asking for a life not lived... .In my opinion... .

In our often elaborate attempts to flee from the discomfort and the painful situations, we often however become our worst enemies... .Seeking out new contact over and over again is an example of that... .In short term it gives some kind of temporary relief from pain if we get some kind of response... .  But disappointment always follows and the time it takes to get over the person jumps back into the beginning position again, so we get nowhere closer to the point where we actually feel we are over them... .It prolongs the very process we desperately try to shorten!

So like you say... .NC is what you need... .That however is not the same as what she needs... .From her perspective having you on a back and call scheme fits into her needs perfectly... .But it doesn't serve your needs and purposes at all!

S jumpsuit try to hang in there... .Feelings discomfort is actually good at this point. If you feel it, you are on the right track! In time it will subside... .By itself! And that is what you should strive for! Not trying to relieve it by trying to change the circumstances... .Instead take this opportunity to learn how to live in these very circumstances! And then when the time is right feel them subside and fade into a more distant memory... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

I think thats my problem - I seek new contact, and just end up back to where i started. What I keep fighting with is that she is forgetting about me & i don't want her to. Selfish of me, but true.

[Scout99]

Not so much selfish as it is a way for you to flea the discomfort of not having any more contact... .Sure you seek out confirmation and validation from her by trusting to get in touch again... .But that too is pretty much about trying not to have to go through the discomfort of actually accepting the love lost... .And then go on... .

You will get there!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

It might not be a question that can be easily awnsered, but how do you give up on the hope of reconcile?

[Scout99]

There is no easy answer like press the blue button and you'll get there... .

But there is an answer. And that is to just decide to do it, regardless of how it feels.

We can do a lot of things without feeling comfortable with it, like cleaning a toilet, go through a gruesome studying period in a subject you don't particularly like... .Or being there for a loved one going through a difficult disease... .

None of those things will make us feel comfortable. Quite the opposite, we will feel a lot of discomfort during such times. But we do it anyway... .

The big multinational sports shoe corporation has said it in a very elaborate way in one of their slogans... .They say:

Just do it!

Ad that is really the big secret... .We can do things even though we may not want to, even though it doesn't make us feel comfortable. And it will not feel great... .It will not eve feel good. It will instead probably feel awful for a while... .

But with time the intensity of that feeling will begin to fade... .And other things will take over. But the only way to get there is to accept the intense discomfort in feeling that you miss her now. Accept that is the way things are for you right now, and you will see it will hurt... .But there will also come a time when that feeling subsides... .And then a time when it is gone... .

So just do it! That is the best advice I can give you! Like the old saying... .This too shall pass... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

Really appreciate the advice, Scout.

I'm not the first to feel like this & i know i won't be the last.

It would have been our anniversary tomorrow... .