Still trying to sell house.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

I haven't been on here for quite a while. Summary of why I was here. I was married to a NPD for 6 years, filed for a divorce (8/18/11)for many reasons, he had to move out and 30 days later forced himself into the house attacked me and told me he was going to kill me. He finally calmed down and left. I called 911, reported the whole evening's event and moved in with some friends that night. 9/28/12 I was granted a divorce, he was given possesion of the property so he could refinance, because of continued problems I was granted another year of PFA. He was ordered to pay the mortagage and get refinanced by 12/31/12. He made 2 payments then since the property is in my name only, I started paying the mortagage again. We have been to court 4 times this year and the judge finally ordered him out of the house and said to get it listed for sale.

We listed it in April. We have had 3 buyers, we lost the first 2 because my ex made such outrageous counter offers. He is so difficult to deal with, the realtor only communicates by email now. We have a 3rd buyer and I think because I requested a court date after the last buyer, he yells a lot yet he signs. Right now we are to close on 9/19/13. I have had to agree to pay all the repairs on the house myself so that he will sign. I am still so amazed at how my ex can control these situations. How when people first meet him they believe everything he says, the realtor, the judge, his attorney etc, now the realtor has a different idea about him but the judge still thinks he is just having a tough time. It is all about the conflict for my ex, I think he has to have that in his life. Of course after the closing we will go back to court and the judge will decide how the money is divided. the divorce settlement states the division but now we have payments I made all these months and the items he took from the property when he left this last time (big items, windmill and pump, softner system).  When court is over will he be finished with me? I will always look over my shoulder, of course. I have taken a women's self defense class, conseal and carry. Would you expect he will do anything else? 

[coffee shop]

Hello everyone,

I haven't been on here for quite a while. Summary of why I was here. I was married to a NPD for 6 years, filed for a divorce (8/18/11)for many reasons, he had to move out and 30 days later forced himself into the house attacked me and told me he was going to kill me. He finally calmed down and left. I called 911, reported the whole evening's event and moved in with some friends that night. 9/28/12 I was granted a divorce, he was given possesion of the property so he could refinance, because of continued problems I was granted another year of PFA. He was ordered to pay the mortagage and get refinanced by 12/31/12. He made 2 payments then since the property is in my name only, I started paying the mortagage again. We have been to court 4 times this year and the judge finally ordered him out of the house and said to get it listed for sale.

We listed it in April. We have had 3 buyers, we lost the first 2 because my ex made such outrageous counter offers. He is so difficult to deal with, the realtor only communicates by email now. We have a 3rd buyer and I think because I requested a court date after the last buyer, he yells a lot yet he signs. Right now we are to close on 9/19/13. I have had to agree to pay all the repairs on the house myself so that he will sign. I am still so amazed at how my ex can control these situations. How when people first meet him they believe everything he says, the realtor, the judge, his attorney etc, now the realtor has a different idea about him but the judge still thinks he is just having a tough time. It is all about the conflict for my ex, I think he has to have that in his life. Of course after the closing we will go back to court and the judge will decide how the money is divided. the divorce settlement states the division but now we have payments I made all these months and the items he took from the property when he left this last time (big items, windmill and pump, softner system).  When court is over will he be finished with me? I will always look over my shoulder, of course. I have taken a women's self defense class, conseal and carry. Would you expect he will do anything else? 

[livednlearned]

When court is over will he be finished with me? I will always look over my shoulder, of course. I have taken a women's self defense class, conseal and carry. Would you expect he will do anything else? 

Hi Coffeeshop,

Sorry to hear this is still dragging on. I've had to sit through quite a few cases (while waiting for mine) listening to people talk about the difficulties selling property. The judge always seems remarkably lenient. 

I think there is no answer to your question about whether he will move on. If he finds someone else to prey on, he may leave you alone. If he is severely disordered, if he has a substance abuse issue, if he has no job, then it seems more likely he'll find some reason to stay negatively engaged with you.

What I realized about N/BPDx: If he doesn't experience negative emotions, then he experiences no emotions. And that is a truly terrifying feeling. He needs to feel connected to someone, even if it's through conflict that hurt him as much as they do me.

My ex was supposed to refinance the house a year ago, and I can't believe how much money it costs to accomplish nothing. It sounds like you can relate, unfortunately.

I'm glad you took a women's defense class. 

[ForeverDad]

Under normal circumstances the lawyers always want to make deals and not have either spouse look bad, with hopes neither will feel the winner or the loser.  However, your ex has caused so many problems that are apparent to so many professionals now that hopefully your lawyer will be very unwilling to make more deals that disadvantage you and will get that point across to the judge.  Your lawyer should ask for so much when the financial assets, debts and expenses are reconciled, such as seeking reimbursement of legal costs, court fees additional mortgage payments, etc, that even if you don't get everything you ask for you'll still a reasonable outcome.

[coffee shop]

What I realized about N/BPDx: If he doesn't experience negative emotions, then he experiences no emotions. And that is a truly terrifying feeling. He needs to feel connected to someone, even if it's through conflict that hurt him as much as they do me.

Thanks for your statement Lived. I think that sums it up quite well.

I am not sure he has a job anymore. He had one when we were in court in April but in June he came to court in jeans, I don't think he was working anymore. His emails with the realtor and I are full of conflict & he had a verbally abusive phone conversation with the realtor so I say that he is pretty disordered/disturbed. Last week when we could not get him to agree to an offer from the buyer I suggested I would pay for the item that the ex refused to take care of (not only refused but told the realtor the buyer needed to pay $2,000 more than the repair would cost. He reasoning was the principle of it all). His response was that he still would not sign the contract, so I said I was ready to sign and if we could not agree then I thought we should ask for a court date and let the judge decide.

Oh my, that set off a rant of how the realtor and I were threatening him, intimidating him and trying to coerce him and he could not make any distress. We gave him a few hours & then the realtor sent an email stating where the buyer was on things & my ex signed the contract. The realtor is really earning his percent.

Foreverdad, My attorney is ready to ask for everything. She asked for the estimates for replacing the windmill & softner & she already asked the court to consider the attorney fees since these hearings were because he didn't get the financing on time, nor made the house payment. Thanks for your continued support, suggestions & wisdom.

[livednlearned]

How did the judge rule when your L asked for attorney fees?

It sounds like the realtor could help you in court if it comes to that -- just in case your ex sabotages the final closing. At this point, you now have a third-party witness to attest that your ex is causing undue conflict and causing the case to be dragged into court, taking up their time and costing you money.

Do you have to appear in person with him for the closing?

[coffee shop]

The Judge said he would rule on the attorney fees later.

The realtor does not want to make statements against my ex. He is concerned that my ex will make trouble for him at a later date. I do have all the email correspondence which will show some of the conflict. The realtor does not put in writing his concerns about my ex as he doesn't want those statements to be in court later. I have asked him to write things up after closing yet so far he has declinded. I don't want to push things at this point because I really want him to stay with this sale. He has stated before they he might walk away from this because of all the conflict.

I think it would be possible for my ex to sign the papers first then for me to complete the paper work. This is what I will ask for anyway and I don't know why that wouldn't work. I will have a girlfriend of mine with me who has attended all the court hearings with me. Not only does she offers me good support, she also knows everything that has taken place and can think clearly in these situations when I tend to close down.

We will have a hearing after the closing and he will be present then. I am hoping that will be the last time I will see him.

[coffee shop]

Well I think there was more progress today. We had some home inspections to take care of and it looks like I should be able to complete the work for under $500. This is truly a relief as the realtor anticpated we would need to move the septic system due to new code standards. Turns out it is 3 feet outside of the min. code allowance. WHEW! my ex N/BPD h had made it clear if we had to do anymore work he wanted the buyer to go away and we could fine someone else that would not require that we fix things. I didn't matter how many times the realtor told him that all buyers will want the wells and septic system to function.

Deep breath!

I know I am not out of the woods yet but I am closer than I have been so small celebration. Thank you all for the support and understanding of how difficult these things are.

I will start seeing a T again in a couple weeks. As this approaches the 2 year anniversary of the attack, having all these interactions (email only) with my ex, the financial strain and my possible moving out from my friends' safe home in 45 days, I am starting to get anxious. Renewed thoughts of him just appearing in the darkness etc. Difficulty in focus at work.

Trying to be safe, calm, non reactive and trying to remember to breath. :-)

[livednlearned]

Well I think there was more progress today. We had some home inspections to take care of and it looks like I should be able to complete the work for under $500. This is truly a relief as the realtor anticpated we would need to move the septic system due to new code standards. Turns out it is 3 feet outside of the min. code allowance. WHEW! my ex N/BPD h had made it clear if we had to do anymore work he wanted the buyer to go away and we could fine someone else that would not require that we fix things. I didn't matter how many times the realtor told him that all buyers will want the wells and septic system to function.

Deep breath!

I know I am not out of the woods yet but I am closer than I have been so small celebration. Thank you all for the support and understanding of how difficult these things are.

I will start seeing a T again in a couple weeks. As this approaches the 2 year anniversary of the attack, having all these interactions (email only) with my ex, the financial strain and my possible moving out from my friends' safe home in 45 days, I am starting to get anxious. Renewed thoughts of him just appearing in the darkness etc. Difficulty in focus at work.

Trying to be safe, calm, non reactive and trying to remember to breath. :-)

Glad to hear there is progress! Celebrate anything you can 

Have you already found a place yet? So smart of you to see a T while going through a transition like this, and during the 2-year anniversary. The anniversary stuff can really sneak up on you.

[coffee shop]

yes Lived I have found a place. I am hoping I can manage it this the financial situation of funding all the repairs and such. I put down a deposit. I am very excited about that part of my life. The apartment is jointly owned by two couples who have several properties. The neat thing for me is they will live on either side of my place. that add a lot of security for me.

Another neat thing happened today. My realtor decided he wants to help others like me and already has another person in a similar situation. He want me to met her after my closing to give her support as he things she doesn't have the support systems I do.

After we talked about this he sent an email to my ex H attorney telling him that he was going to send copies of all emails to him too as my ex H has been very difficult to deal with and that he will not have phone conversations with my ex anymore.

Now although I am concerned that this might irritate my ex if his attorney shares that email, I am excited that this outside person is willing to address this conflict situation.

[livednlearned]

Now although I am concerned that this might irritate my ex if his attorney shares that email, I am excited that this outside person is willing to address this conflict situation.

But he's always irritated, right? He is irritated about things that aren't real and some that are real, but not in ways you can really predict. So might as well call it like it is, and get others to see what's going on.

When that happened in my case it was the turning point. Everyone else started to see what I saw, which helped the judge see it too.