I don't hate you. Please leave me.

[Seppe]

I am trying to understand my role in the relationship.   I really care for my live in girlfriend, but can't handle the intense ups and downs. 

I love her, but just want it to end.  I want to break up with her, but don't.  I have myself convinced that it is because I do not want to hurt her.  There has been no vacillating in my feelings about this for quite some time now.   Even when things are good, she exhausts me with her affection.  I find myself wishing all of the time that she would break up with me.

I am trying to take a hard look at myself to see if my inability to end the relationship when coupled with my "I don't hate you, please leave me" attitude is an indication of co-dependency or whether it really is just a matter of not wanting to hurt her.  I have looked at the lessons and workshops, but couldn't really find the answer there.

Are there any exercises someone can suggest to help me try to figure this out? 

[schwing]

Hi Seppe and 

I am trying to understand my role in the relationship.   I really care for my live in girlfriend, but can't handle the intense ups and downs. 

That's perfectly reasonable for you to decide that the intense ups and downs are too much for you.

I love her, but just want it to end.  I want to break up with her, but don't.  I have myself convinced that it is because I do not want to hurt her.  There has been no vacillating in my feelings about this for quite some time now.   Even when things are good, she exhausts me with her affection.  I find myself wishing all of the time that she would break up with me.

Well... . even if she were not disordered, to want to break up with someone will hurt them.  Now, that she is a sufferer of BPD will mean that when she expresses her hurt, it will probably be more intense than the pain expressed by anyone else you've ever met who has been broken up with.  I don't think this can be helped.

I am trying to take a hard look at myself to see if my inability to end the relationship when coupled with my "I don't hate you, please leave me" attitude is an indication of co-dependency or whether it really is just a matter of not wanting to hurt her.  I have looked at the lessons and workshops, but couldn't really find the answer there.

I think it's perfectly normal to want to avoid facing the pain of hurting someone who we truly care about but find that the relationship is no longer working for us.  Also, you need to consider that some people with BPD (pwBPD) will even use the threat of suicide to avoid this perceived abandonment.  You may want to plan for this contingency appropriately (e.g., contact her family or the authorities).

Are there any exercises someone can suggest to help me try to figure this out? 

I don't know if there are any exercises that will help you prepare for this.  You don't know how she's going to react.  But if you've decided this relationship is not working for you, then you owe it to yourself to end it.  Either that or prepare to spend the rest of your life with her.  Your choice.

Best wishes, Schwing

[eyvindr]

But if you've decided this relationship is not working for you, then you owe it to yourself to end it.  Either that or prepare to spend the rest of your life with her.  Your choice.

Well put, and very sobering.

[Seppe]

Thank you.  It is helpful to be reminded that "why" may not be the proper focus.

[Vindi]

What about FOG? i seem to have the same feelings w/my bf, always wanting him and hoping HE breaks up with ME? why cuz i don't want to hurt him by leaving him? but i still take the hurt on/off when he goes into one of his mood swings.

This is a tough one, dig deep inside yourself... . and keep posting, it does help!