Bothering her.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The fourth was our day. Ive had people tell me this is tearing her up as much today as it is me. I dont see it. God I wish I didnt love her. It really hurts.

[peiper]

The fourth was our day. Ive had people tell me this is tearing her up as much today as it is me. I dont see it. God I wish I didnt love her. It really hurts.

[peiper]

This so sucks. Loving someone that can hate so much then not is nuts

[christoff522]

This so sucks. Loving someone that can hate so much then not is nuts

I know, I made contact a couple of days ago, before that I was sure I didn't want her back. Straight away she had a big go at me for telling her ex that she was a narcissist (something I was wrong about - before i discovered BPD) and telling him I didn't believe he abused her.

Its absolutely insane, one day she was telling me she was going to try to make it work with him, and I basically just vented on her. Then I said goodbye. 24 hours later shes texting me, then couple hours later says we shouldn't be talking. She's venting on me, and I said this is making me sad, told her I loved her, its over and I hope she finds the one etc. Now she's been quiet all day. I refuse, utterly refuse to message her. Its horrible though - I'm stuck in this loop of ending it, I want to stop but I feel like if I don't end it I'll go insane, I feel like I'm in love with a serial killer, and I know its not her fault... .but I have absolutely ZERO trust in her. I know that if she had the chance she would go back to her ex and drop me like a hot iron.

[peiper]

I have a feeling I would have heard from her had she not filed a restraing order to get back at me. My T thinks the same. He said she really shot herself in the foot because her pattern is to call in a month. In a way I want her back, but her behavior is esclating. Ive lived here 13 years and never a cop at my house until her.

[christoff522]

I have a feeling I would have heard from her had she not filed a restraing order to get back at me. My T thinks the same. He said she really shot herself in the foot because her pattern is to call in a month. In a way I want her back, but her behavior is esclating. Ive lived here 13 years and never a cop at my house until her.

my feeling is that if we make contact they kind of lose respect for us. Its why I've had to go quiet, a restraining order is a little excessive, but it does follow the BPD pattern of exponential chaos - it always gets worse... because we trigger them, and the triggering will happen in shorter and shorter episodes. Until theres eventually nothing.

Its so difficult to know what to do, do you make contact? do you try to move on? My feeling is in your situation you must completely go no contact... its going to get dangerous for you now. If shes filing restraining orders next it could be rape charges. It will only get worse.

[peiper]

Guess Ill se what happens tomorrow. My T sai the same thine about what coud be next. I lucked out this last time because I didnt do anything. But who knows my anger has been building for over a year. Im not saying violence or anything. But my blowing up could really trigger her. And then who knows. Shes unbalanced and goes to extremes

[christoff522]

Guess Ill se what happens tomorrow. My T sai the same thine about what coud be next. I lucked out this last time because I didnt do anything. But who knows my anger has been building for over a year. Im not saying violence or anything. But my blowing up could really trigger her. And then who knows. Shes unbalanced and goes to extremes

All we can do is just take each day as it comes and pray and hope for the best!

[peiper]

Did yours ever try to make you jump through hoops to prove you loved her. It took awhile to realize the hoops would never stop, ther would just be more.

[christoff522]

Did yours ever try to make you jump through hoops to prove you loved her. It took awhile to realize the hoops would never stop, ther would just be more.

Yes, I kinda killed it, because to prove I loved her I told her a totally embarrassing secret about myself. She cried out in digust, utterly OTT went bonkers. It gradually turned into devaluation at that point.

But yes all the time, she was trying to get that proof. She's after that 'inescapable' absolute evidence that you won't leave her, that you love her unconditionally. Its impossible to do that, she wants parental love, not romantic. She's built strategies to get that sort of love, chasing a certain type of person, using her body and certain character traits to attract men towards her - but those men to her are the embodiment of 'daddy', not husband.

The hoops are testing strategies, reassurance for her. I feel unloved - prove you love me. She wants to 'feel' your love. Knowledge isn't enough for her... she needs to feel it, see it, because it slips away into the midst of BPD frenzy.

[OutOfEgypt]

Did yours ever try to make you jump through hoops to prove you loved her

Yes, but in a sense the entire relationship is about checking your pulse to see if you are in love with them... .or more than that... .obsessed with them.  They don't just want you to love them.  In fact, whether you are scorned and hate them or endlessly sit in misery pining over them, it still works.  They just want you to be obsessed with them.  They want you to be totally wrapped up in them.

But in the very beginning, I remember she pretended to be hurt and not breathing to see if I would respond.  I hung up, called 911, and panicked.  She called back and pretended nothing happened.  Later she admitted she was "testing" me and told me, ":)on't worry.  There will be many more tests to come."  Cryptic and chilling!

[peiper]

Just got out of that hearing. She was as hateful as the devil. I was hoping she whould have cooled off.

[christoff522]

Just got out of that hearing. She was as hateful as the devil. I was hoping she whould have cooled off.

They do get like that. Put simply, when I got back in contact she literally told me that I was sabotaging her life. Borderline-ism is narcissism, it cannot be reiterated enough. We tend to think of it simply as "emotional instability" But its more than that... its the same old self-obsession that narcs have. You will still be used just as much as a narc would use you.

My theory is that cooling off begins with anger, they have to hate you to make you mean nothing eventually. They also repress, and remember the worst bits and not the best. You spend time apart from a BPD and they will start to hate you, they will hate the way you do, said or did something. They will hate how you're not there for them. They will see their rejection as YOUR REJECTION. They will quickly replace you, and blame you for them replacing you. Any attempt at contact will be stalking, obsessiveness, or even BULLYING. They will then paint you into a black hole.

My eventual way of dealing with this was to simply tell her that I thought she was a liar, that her ex never abused her, and that if she can smear him to me she can smear me to others, I told her I had insurance, and if she tried to smear me I would use it.

I still know that she will smear me, but at least its less likely to get back to me. My re-institution of contact was the biggest healing process I've ever had. One thing I hate is that to get rid of her number I had to get rid of her texts to me. But its a fair toss up for closure. To know that I had the last word, that I thoroughly rejected her, and that it made her go quiet for two days on her social media.

Its like... .I WIN  

The moral of our encounter is simple... never give up, never back down... we are all warriors in our hearts, and no wicked little witch (or wizard) can defeat us if we know who we are, and we know what needs to be done) Now for a bit of Proverbs 5:1-6

Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom;

   listen very closely to the way I see it.

Then you’ll acquire a taste for good sense;

   what I tell you will keep you out of trouble.

The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,

   her soft words are oh so smooth.

But it won’t be long before she’s gravel in your mouth,

   a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.

She’s dancing down the primrose path to Death;

   she’s headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.

She hasn’t a clue about Real Life,

   about who she is or where she’s going.

[OutOfEgypt]

Man, the proverbs quote is hauntingly accurate

[christoff522]

Man, the proverbs quote is hauntingly accurate

Yeah man, its from The Message, but I checked it against a literal translation and here its really accurate - whilst up to date.

When I read it, I'd just started contact again, and I burst out laughing, that was the night that I watched the latest sermon from elevation church "Move on", God really, really, wanted me to stop talking to her. 2 days later I was back at no contact, and I tell you this OOE - I have never, ever felt happier... Someone at work today told me I looked like "the cat that's got the cream", because I was so happy and cheerful. Its so nice to do a shift at work and not have mood swings because you're so conflicted about some stupid girl who doesn't give a jot about you.

[peiper]

Thanks everybody.

[christoff522]

Thanks everybody.

You're welcome.

Peiper - it does get better!