Memories

[yeager1003]

I have 18 years of them. Since discovering that she might be a BP, so much confusing, heart-breaking things make sense.

I would ask her after enduring hours of belittling, angry, accusatory remarks, I would blurt out, ":)o you still love me?" And she would say, "I don't know.  I don't know." And I would be crushed. No matter how angry I got with her, and I got pretty angry sometimes, I never doubted I loved her. In the middle of a rage, she would ask the same question, and I would always answer, "Of course I love you! I'm just pissed at you." My answer never computed. "If you love me, how could you be so angry at me?" To her, true love meant you never lost your temper at your partner. You never said the wrong thing, made a mistake, you always made the object of your love happy. Love made you a perfect person. So her answer, "I don't know," made perfect sense in her worldview. I didn't understand at the time that I was dealing with a three-year-old's conception of love.

I've read here and other places that BPs have the emotional maturity of a toddler. I get now why my traveling for work or something simple like running an errand without her usually triggers an episode (from mild to very severe). A little kid, when you leave the room, how do they know you'll REALLY come back?

I've been dealing with some real resentment today. Resentful that I have to be the grownup in the relationship, the ":)addy" for a grown woman. I've nothing against being a leader, but the thought that the burden of keeping this going is all on my shoulders sometimes angers and saddens me. I love her and I'm not ready to leave her, but it's hard.

Another part of me is relieved. Finally I get it. Finally I understand it isn't me. It's like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. I read some sites and the message is a single drumbeat: LEAVE HER LEAVE HER LEAVE HER. After her raging last night till 2 in the morning, it flashed across my mind. Leave her. Our son will survive. He'll be better for it. I ask myself, if it weren't for him, would I leave?

Another funny thing. The relationship I had immediately prior to this one was with another woman I suspect has BPD. I hear this is common for nons. It's just something about 'em! I added up the years in my head. 25. Twenty-five years of putting up with this. No wonder I'm depressed, unsure, thinking I'm crazy, hanging on by a thread.

I've started a journal to pour out my thoughts and record what's happening on a day to day basis. I'm finding it helps. My tendency is to block out the unpleasantness, and I need it, for one reason, as a reminder of how crazy it can get.  Pasted below is an excerpt from the rage last night:

Lots of ALWAYS and NEVER. Said I had “changed.” Multiple threats of self harm – “cut throat,” came up three times. She is very confused by the “new me.” Flights between rage, tears, then weird calm. Almost like she burned it out. Sounded totally normal at the end, when she began to accept she wasn’t being abandoned. Kept saying she felt “lost” and “empty”  Many mentions of rejection. Circular reasoning. Contradictory statements. Threats of getting a restraining order. At least three times. Then shocked I would agree not to come home. “You are a man.” “I thought you were my knight.” (idealization)

[popeye6031]

You have done well hanging in there all this time buddy.  I have just over 2 years experience of mine and I have found it very tough.  Partly because I am someone that likes my own space and being alone, which is something that does not go well in a BPD relationship.

You are right though, about discovering about BPD and this website because it has taken a certain weight off the shoulders.  For me it was 20 months into the relationship and up until that point I did not know what the hell was going on.  I just thought it was 1 bad relationship with an ex that caused her extreme behaviour.

So, well done to you for hanging in there so long and for willing to keep working at it.

[Cipher13]

I would ask her after enduring hours of belittling, angry, accusatory remarks, I would blurt out, ":)o you still love me?" And she would say, "I don't know.  I don't know." And I would be crushed. No matter how angry I got with her, and I got pretty angry sometimes, I never doubted I loved her. In the middle of a rage, she would ask the same question, and I would always answer, "Of course I love you! I'm just pissed at you." My answer never computed. "If you love me, how could you be so angry at me?" To her, true love meant you never lost your temper at your partner. You never said the wrong thing, made a mistake, you always made the object of your love happy. Love made you a perfect person. So her answer, "I don't know," made perfect sense in her worldview. I didn't understand at the time that I was dealing with a three-year-old's conception of love.

I wonder how may times I went through this before understanding that its an illness. Its so true about the weight thats lifted once you know about it. Other wise it will drive a person crazy like it did for me for about 10 years until I found this site. Just one day it hit me... this isn't normal and I ned to see if I am th only one dealing with something like this.  I share your struggle about to leave or not to leave and I do not have kids. I found early on that this reasionship was not stable enough to bring a kid into. So glad I did not. Just added stress to worry about. I already wasn't taking care of me without having to worry about a child to keep mentally safe.