She Made Contact - Back to Undecided

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I thought I was strong enough but when she contacted me 9 days ago I responded.  After a few emails back and forth she asked me to meet her for coffee... .and I went.  Per usual she was loving and seemed to be fully level headed.  She flat out asked for me back in her life, and fully back as her "love"... .and what did I do?  Caved!

After a couple days I was the one initiating contact... .she had disengaged by Sunday.  Words have been cordial and kind but nothing spectacular.  Tuesday she initiated and we actually chatted for about an hour.  I sent her well wishes Wednesday morning for her new volunteering endeavor and she thanked me.

That was it... .no contact - I will not initiate again - this is so typical of her pattern.  How could I be this blind? Why do I question if she is really ill only to be slapped once again with the truth of it?  I'm hurt, I'm angry... .but if there is one thing I have learned from the past is - it does no good to say a word.  So once again she has disengaged.

I don't know if she is still my GF, if we are only friends or what we even are!  She has left me so many times and I am always left wondering.  I want out yet don't know how to be strong enough to tell her to go.

[bauers220]

I thought I was strong enough but when she contacted me 9 days ago I responded.  After a few emails back and forth she asked me to meet her for coffee... .and I went.  Per usual she was loving and seemed to be fully level headed.  She flat out asked for me back in her life, and fully back as her "love"... .and what did I do?  Caved!

After a couple days I was the one initiating contact... .she had disengaged by Sunday.  Words have been cordial and kind but nothing spectacular.  Tuesday she initiated and we actually chatted for about an hour.  I sent her well wishes Wednesday morning for her new volunteering endeavor and she thanked me.

That was it... .no contact - I will not initiate again - this is so typical of her pattern.  How could I be this blind? Why do I question if she is really ill only to be slapped once again with the truth of it?  I'm hurt, I'm angry... .but if there is one thing I have learned from the past is - it does no good to say a word.  So once again she has disengaged.

I don't know if she is still my GF, if we are only friends or what we even are!  She has left me so many times and I am always left wondering.  I want out yet don't know how to be strong enough to tell her to go.

[strikeforce]

I ended my year long relationship yesterday. I too was concerned about how I would cope but I'm felling the best I have felt for years.

[Reg]

Hi bauers220,

A difficult situation, sorry to hear about this.

And it sometimes is equally difficult to try to understand what is going on in the borderline mind and behavior on this point.

You were in for a recycle, but I think there are a number of possibilities now.  Or she is convinced that you will leave her again already, or she is under the influence of someone else.  Or she simply is having such a rush of thoughts in her mind that she doesn't know what to think.

My ex partner often said that she could not think clearly about things, because of the fact that there was such a rush of thoughts in her mind.  I have been able in moments to get her to tell me what she was thinking about in that rush, and it had nothing to do with how we think about things.  She needed time.  Time to think about things that often had nothing to do with the real situation.

Question is, if you want out, and she doesn't take contact anymore herself, do you need to tell that to her to go ?

Take care ! I know how hard it can be.

Reg

[123Phoebe]

Hi bauers,

I've read a few of your posts.  Am I understanding this correctly?  You're both women married to men, yet have been having an affair for a couple of years?  And you've cheated on 'her' with other women in the past as well?  Your husband knows about all of this and you will not sacrifice your husband for her?

I don't know if she is still my GF, if we are only friends or what we even are!  She has left me so many times and I am always left wondering.  I want out yet don't know how to be strong enough to tell her to go.

Has your husband expressed that he's willing to accept this arrangement indefinitely? 

'She' has left you so many times that it leaves you wondering... .  You want out yet don't know how to be strong enough to tell her to go... .  Maybe you're both on the same exact page?

What is it that you're needing help sorting through?  What is your ultimate goal?

[bauers220]

Hi bauers,

I've read a few of your posts.  Am I understanding this correctly?  You're both women married to men, yet have been having an affair for a couple of years?  And you've cheated on 'her' with other women in the past as well?  Your husband knows about all of this and you will not sacrifice your husband for her?

I don't know if she is still my GF, if we are only friends or what we even are!  She has left me so many times and I am always left wondering.  I want out yet don't know how to be strong enough to tell her to go.

Has your husband expressed that he's willing to accept this arrangement indefinitely? 

'She' has left you so many times that it leaves you wondering... .  You want out yet don't know how to be strong enough to tell her to go... .  Maybe you're both on the same exact page?

What is it that you're needing help sorting through?  What is your ultimate goal?

It's beyond strange I know.  The affair with her was not something that was ever suppose to be about love... .yet I found myself in love with a woman for the first time in my life.  The vortex I was sucked into was beyond what I had the ability to find clarity on... .but I am getting there - thank God for Therapy.

To answer your questions:

No I have not cheated on "her", as anything that went on was during times we were not together. 

I do have an open marriage - though the drama of this particular relationship is not something that is beneficial to the harmony of my house.

I am seeking strength and support in being able to let go of something that I seemingly had no skills for to begin with.

As for sacrificing my marriage - that was never really on the table to begin with - despite the times when she had expressed wanting more - this is not an option.  My chosen lifestyle doesn't change the fact that I am in love with someone who is ill ... .who's behavior was beyond puzzling until I put it all together. 

So the way I see it - I have two choices... .I can accept her for the way she is and realize she will come and go in and out of my life and find peace with it.  Or I can walk away completely.  I believe for the health of my entire family walking away is the best option.  It doesn't change that I love her - but I have to think of my life and my first priorities.  The confusion I have gone through took my focus off what matters.

I know its a complicated situation - but really doesn't negate my need to be here.  Everyone lives their lives different and what worked for my husband and I in the past has taken a whole new spin since she came in the picture... .