Can parents of BPD children please give me a hand w/ question

[confusedhubby]

Does anyone know if adult children with BPD have the same fears of abandonment with there parents that they have with there significant others? How does the dynamic work? Do they go through the same "push and pull" scenarios that they do with husbands and wives? Also do they ever fully detach from the parent?

Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GeekyGirl]

Hi confusedhubby,

There's no simple answer to your question, as everyone is different. Someone with BPD is likely to fear abandonment from anyone that he/she is close to, generally speaking.

Some people with BPD have similar relationship dynamics with their parents and romantic partners. Some children of BPD parents stay enmeshed for their entire lives, and some, as you mentioned, do detach from their parents. Some people with BPD do detach from their parents and some don't.

What's going on in your situation?

[vivekananda]

Hi confused etc,

Good to see you on the board here. GeekyGirl says it straight. BPD manifests itself differently in everyone. We here come to understand these differences in our children through our discussions here. And the question is complex too. There are different ways to express that fear of abandonment, it doesn't necessarily mean clinging to another either.

You are married to a pwBPD and you obviously want insight into the parental relationship with your wife and her parents. Do you want to explain your predicament?

cheers,

Vivek    

[confusedhubby]

Hi Vivek  and GeekyGirl. Thanks for your assistance. It is appreciated.


My diagnosed BPD wife told me that when she was young her BPDN mother had abandoned her to pursue other interests / lovers.

Now as an adult she displays the same borderline issues that her mom did. Recently her parents went away on a world wide trip and were gone for 6+ months. My wife told me that she had felt abandoned by them. Looking back on it I am wondering whether she also has abandonment issues with her parents. At times she cannot bear to see them (especially her mother... .sometimes when she hears her mom is going to visit her she even vomits or gets migraines). Now that my wife and I have split up she is very close with her parents again -- it's like she is having a love in! What I was wondering is if she is having an idealization phase with her parents like she is with her new boy friend?

[vivekananda]

Hi Confused,

Your wife is BPD, her mum is BPD, so it seems to me that there will be periods of closeness followed by periods of limited or no contact.

My mum was BPD, for most of her life I couldn't bear to have much contact with her. I could time a visit for 3 hours, then I would have to have a period of extended absence. If I had shorter contact, then it could be more ongoing. But I am not BPD.

My own daughter 32, who is BPD, is limited or no contact with me.

I suppose the point is that whether you are close to your parents or not, you want to be... .I think we all want our mother to be like a mother to us. My BPD mum only had time for what she wanted and she was so manipulative with me and my siblings, it was terrible. The time I was able to have a relationship with my mum, was when I was able to stop expecting her to be like a mum - she was 96 and had lost her short term memory and lost cognitive skills which meant she was less able to be manipulative. ... and she needed me to protect her from my BPD sister.

A term such as 'idealisation phase' is too precise and technical for me to respond to... .you may be right, but because underneath it all we have our own individual differences, I couldn't say. All I would consider is that it is unlikely to last - like many BPD relationships. I do believe that it is possible to have an ongoing relationship with a person with BPD, but if both are that way inclined, then I doubt it.

I expect your exwife and your MIL both love each other very dearly, regardless of whether they are close or not.

does that help?

Vivek    

[confusedhubby]

Hi Vivek .

Thank you very much for your response. It helped a great deal.

[vivekananda]

that's good ... .anytime you have a conundrum, ask 

Vivek