What to call the woman serving as the mother... but isn't the biological mother

[TCarlisle]

Hi all, I haven't been on these boards for probably over a year, but a situation came up that is challenging and I wanted to see how others have handled it, or would.

I seperated from my ex wife (uBPD) 5 years ago, and the divorce took not quite a year. The kids were age 3 and 1 (closer to 4 and 2). The custody arrangement was 50/50 But over time, the actual custody has shifted and the kids are with me probably 75-80% of the time.

One of the reasons for that is because my girlfriend, who lives with us, has embraced the role of assisting with raising them, providing love/care, etc. My ex actually started to leverage my girlfriend to provide child care on my ex's time. That is why we have them so much. 

The issue came up that kids at school are asking "who is she" when they see me and my girl friend. The kids haven't met the bio mom because she lives far away (her choice) and is not involved in the community kids call home.

Apparently my daughter has been telling other kids that we are married and she is their stepmom. We aren't married though.

What is the proper term for a person, not biologically related to a child, that is filling the role of mother better than the one who is the biological mom?

I respectfully request that comments criticizing my decision to live with a woman out of wedlock not be posted. I know it goes against a lot of religious and personal values, but there is no doubt the children are better off with someone in their lives that is being maternal. The kids will never get true maternal care from their bio mom, unfortunately. There is nothing that can be said that will convince me to not have this type of family structure.

I just need to know what to call it.

There is no doubt in my mind that when the kids are adults they will understand they have a bio mother and a non-bio mother, and they will know who had more influence on their development, etc.

Thank you!

[Forward2free]

Congratulations on finding someone healthy to share your life with!

In Australia, we have DeFacto living arrangments to provide a term for people living together out of wedlock.

We would refer to your girlfriend as your Partner or DeFacto Wife.

Is there any reason that they don't refer to her as your Girlfriend? The fact they call her their stepmom is a bit funny - but in a good way. It seems like they are wanting to make her a permanent part of your life? Someone they love and want to be connected to? Do they want you to get married? Kids try to be subtle, but aren't very good at it  

Do you/does she, mind being called their step-mom? It's a loose term, not legal as far as I know, so it really shouldn't matter if they use it in my opinion. We use the term birth mother to distinguish bio-mom here. You can be a mom without birthing the child... .

My kids tell people that my new-guy is "mom's boyfriend" and they refer to dad's partner as dad's girlfriend. It's pretty standard here and no one seems to worry about the terminology used. I don't live with my guy, but their dad lives with his GF.

I have a friend who's son started to call her partner dad a couple of years before they got married. He was 3 at the time and has very little time with his real dad who he calls daddy-[his name]. He sees his mother's partner, now husband, as his real dad. They do understand the difference between actively parenting and just being there sometimes.

[scraps66]

I call mine, "Ms. NAME."  I also did this intentionally with exuBPD/NPDs bf, calling him, "Mr. NAME," so the kids or ex woul dnot start calling him Dad.

[DreamGirl]

Don't overthink it.

If the kids are calling her stepmom... .then she gets to be stepmom.

My own stepkids didn't call me 'stepmom' until we got married.  It just made logical sense to them that I was Dad's girlfriend and then I was his wife and then I was a stepmom. It really had very little to do with the level of my involvement.

They've never called any of the men in their mom's life 'stepdad' -- even after she got married. It's not anything personal, it just didn't feel "right" to them. Mom has had several partners and I think they've not really had the chance to bond. This last one might make the cut though - he seems to be in it for the long haul and has a really good heart.

[TCarlisle]

THank you all for the responses and ideas. I should have been more clear, they call her by name when addressing her. WHat I am trying to figure out is when they are asked by others kids, what to say.

[DavidWebb]

Another great Aussie term  is 'partner'... .she's my Dad's partner.  There has been such s shift in family dynamics in the last 20yrs with same sex marriages, etc, I wouldn't worry too much.  In fact last month S4 told me about his new friend 'it's kinda weird, she only has one house.'  Whatever they are comfortable with is good.

Congrats on finding happiness... .!

I too have been away for a while, and appreciate all the help you gave me 5 years ago

[Matt]

Hi TC!

My suggestion is to keep it simple:  Concepts like "common-law marriage" or "de-facto marriage" aren't familiar to American kids.  She is either their "mom" - which means she's their biological mom - or "step-mom" - which means she is married to their dad - or "my dad's girlfriend".  That's pretty much it.

I would not try to twist it out of shape or make it into something it's not, and I would try to avoid positioning your girlfriend opposite the kids' biomom, no matter how little she is in their lives.  They only have one mom, and for now they have no step-mom.  ":)ad's girlfriend" is perfectly fine!

When I married their mom, I let my stepkids decide for themselves what to call me.  SD, then 6 and now 23, has always called me "Matt", maybe mostly because her biodad was in her life at that time.  SS then 18 called me "Matt" for a while, and then shifted to ":)ad" - his biodad isn't in his life, and it seemed important to him, so I went with it.  (Some people who meet me are surprised that I'm not the same race as him, because he has referred to me as "my dad" and never mentioned it.  Oh well.)

Your kids will probably make the right decision, but I wouldn't encourage them to call her "mom" or "stepmom" - those terms just don't apply to your situation, and it's not good to encourage deception, even if it's innocent.

And just for discussion, here's my story for the week:

D16 - an A student who lives with me most of the time but spends time with her mother most weeks - this week made a poster for Spanish class:  "All About Me" - I can't remember the Spanish - pictures of herself and others in her life, with captions like "I am a friend", "I am a sister", and "I am a daughter" in Spanish.  No pictures of her mom - her friends, siblings, and me.

I saw this when she was done, and almost said, "You left your mom out - was that a mistake?", but then decided not to - she's old enough and smart enough to figure it all out for herself.  So that's how it looked when she took it to school... .

[pallavirajsinghani]

We have a fantastic word in my native language (and language, as you know is the mirror to the culture):  "Masi"  It literally translates into, "Like Mother".  This term will command in our culture all the respect, courtesy, love... .that is commanded by the term.  "Ma" or "Amma"... .both of which simply mean "Mother".

My children have always addressed their aunt as "Mimi"... .I think that their childish minds were coining a term similar to Mom but not quite Mom... .so it became "Mimi".

While addressing your GF as Masi would appear to be a cultural anachronism, how about addressing her by her first name and then adding Mimi after that:  So she would be called,  "Susie Mimi"  Or "Cindy Mimi", or "Lauren Mimi".  I have heard the word Mimi very often in this culture as well so it would not raise any eyebrows.

See, we must give as much respect and honor maternal roles and paternal roles even though they may not be played by bio mothers and bio fathers.  In my opinion, to make a distinction between a parent figure and a bio parent is very disrespectful and powerfully undermines the value of their role.  I would never introduce my children as,  "adopted children".  They are my children, period.  Similarly, GF or not, married or not, living together or not... .she is maternal, she has a maternal role, she is a mother.  It is her contribution to their lives that defines her.  Neither her status as a live in girlfriend nor her status as a bio mother defines that role.

She has earned the privilege to be addressed as "Mom"... .let the children continue to call her Mom if they are comfortable... .except, to make a simple distinction between the two women, how about simply adding the first name before the term "Mom".

So for instance, your X, the bio mother of the children would be, 'Mom" and your GF will be "... .first name Mom".

I think that once your GF  is being addressed as 'Mom" or some variation of this word, it will only strengthen their relationship... .it will be a tremendous and rich source of emotion health to everyone... .including you.

Hope this helps.

p.s.  I am very proud of you and totally condone and accept this out of wedlock living relationship.  :-)