can i ask for him to get counseling in divorce agreement?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have posted something similar before, but not exactly.  Hubby is behaving badly.  We already met with a court appointed mediator and worked out a custody agreement that's pretty detailed, so that's taken care of - it became an order.  The divorce is just not finalized yet.  I want to put in there that he keeps getting counseling (he already goes), but I guess I should have asked for it during mediation to tie it to custody somehow... .maybe.  Have any of you put in your divorce settlement that your ex has to get counseling, without it directly being tied to him seeing the kids?  Do you think I could still put that in our settlement without explaining it, put in that he will continue to get counseling x times a month?

[momtara]

I have posted something similar before, but not exactly.  Hubby is behaving badly.  We already met with a court appointed mediator and worked out a custody agreement that's pretty detailed, so that's taken care of - it became an order.  The divorce is just not finalized yet.  I want to put in there that he keeps getting counseling (he already goes), but I guess I should have asked for it during mediation to tie it to custody somehow... .maybe.  Have any of you put in your divorce settlement that your ex has to get counseling, without it directly being tied to him seeing the kids?  Do you think I could still put that in our settlement without explaining it, put in that he will continue to get counseling x times a month?

[frustrated b/f]

I have posted something similar before, but not exactly.  Hubby is behaving badly.  We already met with a court appointed mediator and worked out a custody agreement that's pretty detailed, so that's taken care of - it became an order.  The divorce is just not finalized yet.  I want to put in there that he keeps getting counseling (he already goes), but I guess I should have asked for it during mediation to tie it to custody somehow... .maybe.  Have any of you put in your divorce settlement that your ex has to get counseling, without it directly being tied to him seeing the kids?  Do you think I could still put that in our settlement without explaining it, put in that he will continue to get counseling x times a month?

You can put anything you want in a settlement agreement. However if its un-enforceable, its pointless.

[Matt]

I think it's a bad idea, for a number of reasons... .

First, as Frustrated says, it's probably not enforceable.  If he doesn't do it, what will you do - file a motion that he be held in contempt?  I doubt the court would do anything about it, and if there is a hearing, he can just lie.  And the judge will wonder why you are trying to control him instead of focusing on your own challenges.

Second, if you try to get it into the agreement, it's likely to open up a can of worms and make things worse.  For example, the other side could ask for something in exchange - if you get something you want, they should get something they want - who knows what.  But once the agreement is made, you'll have to give them what you agreed to, and the other party will just ignore the requirement for counseling, and you'll have gained nothing.

Keep your focus on the kids.  If the agreement is done, move on, and look for ways to help them.  Your ex will either get the help he needs, or he won't - not your problem, except when it impacts the kids, and then your focus should be on what's best for the kids, not fixing your ex.

(Just to be open about this, I actually have something like that in my custody settlement:  my ex is required to get psychotherapy.  The way it got there is, we had a court-appointed Custody Evaluator, a Ph.D. psychologist, who diagnosed her with "multiple psychological disorders", and recommended psychotherapy, and most of his recommendations were put into our settlement, which became the basis for the court order.  I just left it in there, thinking that if we ever go back to court, I can show that she has violated the court order, and is not doing what is best for the kids - I'm sure she hasn't gotten psychotherapy.  But the court has done nothing to enforce it, and I'm not going to pay a lawyer to fight over it, so it's just words on paper - no impact at all - not worth spending one hour of a lawyer's time on, or even one hour of your own time.)

[ForeverDad]

In the conference room discussions - just before I went into the courtroom - the GAL mentioned mother should get counseling, mother had sought out therapists but they didn't want to get involved before court (most don't want to be called to court) and so GAL would submit it later.  I got custody, ex got her child support.  Nothing else happened afterward.  When I asked the GAL at a later time, GaL didn't know anything about it.

Courts and those professionals around it are generally disinclined to order therapy unless the person is demonstrably unhinged.  In any case, how can you know it worked or not?  Even Anger Management classes can be ordered and completed but again there's no assurance it will work.  That's how it seems to be in most scenarios.

[Matt]

Courts and those professionals around it are generally disinclined to order therapy unless the person is demonstrably unhinged.  In any case, how can you know it worked or not?  Even Anger Management classes can be ordered and completed but again there's no assurance it will work.  That's how it seems to be in most scenarios.

Yeah, I figured that if I made an issue of it, two things would probably happen.  First, I'd have to pay for it.  And second, she would find somebody and spend an hour lying, and nothing would be accomplished.

If somebody wants help, they will get it, somehow.  If they don't want help, they won't get it, or won't accept it.

[gdad]

Our mediated settlement states that parenting time will be re-established through counseling. It's vague and left my ex with room to blame me. She started attending counseling with our child after 18 months of nc

[momtara]

Well, it's becoming less of an issue now because hubby is starting to act scary.  Just hoping he gets treatment may not be enough.  I wish it was.  Someone who is mentally ill... .is mentally ill.  Wish I could get that through my head instead of fooling myself!

[Free One]

Well, it's becoming less of an issue now because hubby is starting to act scary.  Just hoping he gets treatment may not be enough.  I wish it was.  Someone who is mentally ill... .is mentally ill.  Wish I could get that through my head instead of fooling myself!

It takes time to get there; you will eventually.

I'm with the others. It's unenforceable without going back to court and further expense, plus, how would you know he was doing it or not? While I can see your reasons for wanting it, in the long term, there's just no point.

In my temp orders, I had it that my ex had to see counselor. I'm fairly confident he talked T into lying for him and submitting statements saying he had a visit. They were friends (the whole therapy r/s was inappropriate and I see that now) and at that point, she thought I was just out to get him. It just led to more frustration on my point.

If and when he wants help, he'll get it, but NOTHING you (or anyone, including the court) can say or do can make him get help or address his issues. That's all on him, and only him.