Setting boundaries...how? help?

[momconfused]

I am recently divroced from my ex-husband (un-diagnosed BPD).  So here's the question of the week... .how do I set boundaries?  My life revolves around what my ex-husband wants, demands, texts, calls... .we are divorced!  But yet I am so scared of his rages that I always crumble and just do what he wants so I don't have to deal with him.  Its no way to live.  We kind of reached another breaking point yesterday.  He was supposed to meet at my daughter's 3 yr physical (which is an hour away from me because he will not give me permission to switch pediatricians).  to make a long story short he slept through the appointment and go enraged when I would not bring kids to see him at his house after appointment.  I had to take a half day of work to take her to appointment, drive an hour home to pick her up, and hour to dr. and then another hour back home.  Last thing I wanted to do was drive another 1/2 hour to his house.  i was barraged with vile text messages and a very threatening phone call.  Un-nerved me so much that I took kids to my parents to sleep last night.  I can't keep doing this!  But if I ignore his calls or don't do what he wants he loses his mind.  I don't want to be the center of his rages anymore, but I don't know how to stop it... .its a never ending cycle. 

I am a wreck today... .I tend to get an emotional "hangover" after these episodes.  Its just not fair to me or my kids.  How do I change this.  I just want to be free of the awful awful behavior and stop being scared.

Thanks for listening.  Not sure if it will help me or what I am even looking for, I just don't know what else to do at this point.

[heartandwhole]

Hi momconfused,

Welcome to the site, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this behavior, it's very hurtful.  I can understand your feeling like you have an "emotional hangover" – that is a great way to put it.  I remember the anxiety and exhaustion I felt trying to meet the needs of my pwBPD, and he was not even a rager. 

I have a link to a fantastic workshop for you. In nutshell: boundaries are our values in action. I am working on boundaries in my own life, too.  Once you start understanding what you value, the erecting of boundaries can feel very empowering, and there is a kind of snowball effect. Here's the link: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It isn't uncommon for a pwBPD to react badly to boundaries – you are not (re)acting the way you used to, so your ex's defense mechanisms may ramp up.  The good news is that these behaviors usually decline when the pwBPD realizes that the behavior will no longer cause the desired result.

For example, if you value respect, one of your boundaries might be that if your ex rages at you, you will remove yourself from the situation until he calms down. 

Be gentle with yourself, momconfused.  It's hard to change behavior that has been going on for a long time.  There will be slips and setbacks, but your emotional and mental and physical well being is worth it.

Keep posting.  We're here to support you. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry you're going through that with him; it is very painful and hurtful.  You can probably relate to the description that dealing with that pathology is like walking on eggshells.

The bottom line is you need to make yourself stronger, which you are more than capable of.  Going NC would be great but you have kids, so Low Contact is probably all that will be possible.  Defining and enforcing strong boundaries is essential, and as heartandwhole mentioned that will cause a lot of acting out behaviors on his part, which in a sense is great because it's feedback you're making progress.  And beyond him it will be beneficial to focus on YOU for a change; mine was a full time job with overtime, and I lost myself in the process.  You may decide you could benefit from professional help, and don't hesitate.  Standard BPD includes isolating you from other people so they can control your world, and getting as many allies supporting you now may be the most important thing.  Sleeping enough, eating right and some exercise can adjust your emotional state well.  And focusing on an empowering future without him can give you motivation to build it.

Lots of stuff and it's early, but celebrate the small wins, stay here, stay strong and good luck!

[HostNoMore]

momconfused:

I had the absolute worst boundary setting skills that one could possibly have.  This hurt me in so many ways over the years that I could fill bpdfamily's servers to full capacity if I were to enumerate the problems that this caused me in all areas of my life over the years. 

My advice to you would be to start small.  It feels really weird at first, but practice makes it more normal.  I would seek any opportunity to set a boundary with someone in any circumstance that comes up naturally.  Over the course of time, it will begin to feel much more natural to you.  One also does not have to be a jerk to set boundaries.  Polite and firm will get you there.   

Start small and work your way up, and you will succeed.  Being forced to learn to set boundaries was the greatest gift I got from my BPD relationship.

[WhenWiLLitEnd]

I am recently divroced from my ex-husband (un-diagnosed BPD).  So here's the question of the week... .how do I set boundaries?  My life revolves around what my ex-husband wants, demands, texts, calls... .we are divorced!  But yet I am so scared of his rages that I always crumble and just do what he wants so I don't have to deal with him.  Its no way to live.  We kind of reached another breaking point yesterday.  He was supposed to meet at my daughter's 3 yr physical (which is an hour away from me because he will not give me permission to switch pediatricians).  to make a long story short he slept through the appointment and go enraged when I would not bring kids to see him at his house after appointment.  I had to take a half day of work to take her to appointment, drive an hour home to pick her up, and hour to dr. and then another hour back home.  Last thing I wanted to do was drive another 1/2 hour to his house.  i was barraged with vile text messages and a very threatening phone call.  Un-nerved me so much that I took kids to my parents to sleep last night.  I can't keep doing this!  But if I ignore his calls or don't do what he wants he loses his mind.  I don't want to be the center of his rages anymore, but I don't know how to stop it... .its a never ending cycle. 

I am a wreck today... .I tend to get an emotional "hangover" after these episodes.  Its just not fair to me or my kids.  How do I change this.  I just want to be free of the awful awful behavior and stop being scared.

Thanks for listening.  Not sure if it will help me or what I am even looking for, I just don't know what else to do at this point.

Your husband will continue treating you like this if he knows he can.

So go see a lawyer and put some boundries in place, by the sounds of it, this guy is still running - and ruining - your life.

Lawyer up, for not only your sake - but for the kids... .They need a stable environment and your husband being left to his own devices will not give them that, it's up to you to set some boundries and a lawyer should be able to best help you uphold those boundries.