ABR : Always Be Recording

[Aussie0zborn]

The subject of recording has come up here a few times and I'm regretting not having done it ALL THE TIME. One little recording and this mess would have gone away... .

In our upcomg court case for restraining orders, my side filed statements as instructed by the court. My uBPDw and the new guy also filed additional statemements without having been instructed. Their case has weakened with new witnesses coming forward.

So what does she say in her new statement? She says I physically and sexually abused her and made her do unspeakable things that no woman should have to endure; that I forced her to have threesomes for my own perverted pleasure; and that I plied her with alcohol to achieve all this. She forgets to say that I'm the guy who would pour bottles and bottles of wine down the sink to stop her from drinking! It's all very insulting.

Had I recorded this little gem on our last night together I think the police would have never taken any of her nonsense seriously... .

BPD : "All the teachers come to school with lunch made by their husbands. You have NEVER made me lunch. Not once."

Me : "I bet those husbands don't come home after an 18 hour day and find their wife's booty call knocking on the door. Could you imagine what might have happened if I got home five minutes later and found you having sex with him?"

BPD : "We'd have a threesome."

Me : "No, one of us would be in hospital and one of us would be in jail and not sure which one would be which. This is not supposed to happen. I don't know any man that's put in this position by his wife".

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207337.msg12297610#msg12297610

When you do everything and a whole lot more and there is no appreciation it really sucks. When they project their behaviour onto you, it sucks. I rationalise it by saying, "Well thats part of her illness and it's no reflection of me".

Oh, if only I could have recorded every thing, every day I wouldn't have to deal with this mess. ABR - Always Be Recording, people.

[Learning_curve74]

Ugh, hate to see her and her new toy put you through the wringer, AussieOzborn. At least you got that last nugget recorded. Best wishes to you in court. 

P.s. Brilliant screen name! 

[Aussie0zborn]

Thanks, LC but the problem is that I DID NOT RECORD it, I'm just wishing I had. It's so easy to do, you just need to get off your but and set it up.

Glad you like the screen name. :-)

[HarmKrakow]

I got over 10 hours of recorded material, and even video material. But not for lawful purposes, but to help me through treatment with the psychologist To show that i'm not the crazy one :P

[happylogist]

Much endurance to you!

It is good that you are getting out from this mess though...

[Aussie0zborn]

As reported in the forums by various members, a recording can come in handy at the time of being arrested. It can make all the difference between being arrested and NOT being arrested, being removed from your home or NOT being removed from your home. 

It something's you play back to the police on the spot. It may not be admissible in court but it can save you from going to court in the first place.

Others have reported that as soon as the video camera is turned on, their BPD SO stops raging and carries on as if nothing happened. 

[trappeddad]

"abr"    like the acronym.     i think that recording a BPD so is a gift that keeps on giving.     even if she/he thinks they may be recorded, they still come up with doozies.   at that is the case for me

[ForeverDad]

Recording seldom cause us legal problems, the biggest frustration is the typical disinterest of the courts.  While I always encourage recording as a low risk action and as generally helpful special 'insurance', I also encourage it be done quietly, not challenging, not shoving anything in the spouse's face.  And of course, while recording don't admit to doing anything bad, don't respond in any way that could be construed or misconstrued as aggressive or threatening.

What saved me when I called 911 was my preschooler, 3.5yo at the time.  He was sobbing in my arms when the officer asked me to hand him to his mother and step away.  (I didn't ponder why I might be asked to 'step away', at the time I thought it was just to talk to me away from son.)  Son cried out and hugged me even tighter.  The officer stared for along moment then said, "work it out" and they left.  Months later my divorce lawyer said the policy here is to always remove one of the people from the domestic dispute to defuse the incident and it probably would have been me.  I look back and now I always say, "My son saved me that day."

However, I had also recorded the incident, I made a report, she was arrested for threat of DV and eventually it went to trial.  The recording was played in court, she admitted she did make the death threats but claimed that was how we argued.   Sorry, I don't rage.  Anyway, the judge said she didn't have a weapon in her hands and therefore it was not 'imminent' threat of DV and therefore not guilty and dismissed the case.  My take on that ruling was that she got the green light to threaten me as much a she wished but without a weapon at hand I couldn't do anything about it.

Afterward, all her allegations against me have been parenting related.  I think it was only once have I learned of a spousal allegation.  My custody decree in 2011 included a comment that during the investigation she claimed I had tried to hurt her.  In the order when I got custody.  Clearly it was not viewed as credible.

[JaySea]

I began recording because the arguments were so confusing to me.  Well into the argument (after I'm clearly upset), she would accuse me of being "mean" and that she would not be yelling at me if I had not been so mean.  I knew that from her point of view, I was "mean" if I sounded angry.  So, I wondered, was my anger triggering her?  Or, was her yelling making me angry?  I couldn't keep it straight in my head. 

So I started keeping a little MP3 recorder in my pocket.  When a conversation seemed to have ANY potential of shifting into the emotional zone, I'd put my hand in my pocket and start the recording.  Later I would play it back to myself (somewhere private).  Lo and behold... .I discovered that if I asked a question that made her uncomfortable or triggered an association in her mind to a past negative-emotion event, she would get agitated and start accusing me of something, yelling at me, or threatening me. 

Before recording our conversations, she had me convinced that I was a jerk.  I honestly tried to be a better person, but nothing seemed to work.  I thought I was a hopeless jerk who could never become a more loving person.  The recording of our conversations helped me begin to climb out of my pit of self-criticism and realize I'm not the jerk she had me convinced I was, and set me back on a path to recover my sanity.  I could not recommend the practice more highly!

[livednlearned]

I recorded N/BPDx during our marriage, but never used the audio/video recordings in court. I did use the emails and text messages -- they were damaging enough.

I also used the threat of recording to help me after I left. I went to pick up S12 from his dad's house. N/BPDx came out to the car with a menacing look on his face, body language very angry. He approached the car and I help up my phone and pointed to it, so he knew I was recording. He turned around immediately and walked back into the house. S12 came out a few minutes later.

[HarmKrakow]

I recorded N/BPDx during our marriage, but never used the audio/video recordings in court. I did use the emails and text messages -- they were damaging enough.

I also used the threat of recording to help me after I left. I went to pick up S12 from his dad's house. N/BPDx came out to the car with a menacing look on his face, body language very angry. He approached the car and I help up my phone and pointed to it, so he knew I was recording. He turned around immediately and walked back into the house. S12 came out a few minutes later.

It's ridiculous that you have to use measures like that in todays society ...

[Forward2free]

pwPD are excellent liars and storytellers and the truth is often much harder to believe.

I have security cameras installed around my house and I haven't had a wink of trouble :-)

All kid changeovers are at venues with security footage too - thanks McDonald's :-)

I don't need to overtly record anymore, but with an iPhone on me at all times, it's very easy to protect myself, just in case.

[trappeddad]

i am undecided if i will reveal my recordings or just transcibe them for my journal.     ex says she will sue me in civil court if i use the recordings, since it is in her home (her name is on deed).    is her threat empty?     i live in a 1 party consent state.

[Aussie0zborn]

You might ask a lawyer but as you know you live in a one party state, you might already know the answer.

[ForeverDad]

If you were there, wherever that was, you can record if it's a one party state.  And even if it wasn't, there are so many devices that can record these days that it's nearly impossible to block all methods.  I've been here for several years and have only a very few members ever mentioned a court getting peeved at recording.  No one went to jail either.  Generally the courts are more than willing to ignore the entire issue.  So your risks of recording are small to zero.

If it is her home, I guess she has the right to ask you to leave and call for police if you don't.  (If you're living there or married and not yet divorced, then maybe by law she can't force you to leave.  We're peer support, not lawyers, so seek counsel of a local lawyer.)

That said, don't shove it in her face or flaunt it, that could be seen as aggressive and egging on a confrontation.

I recorded and at times still record when the conflict is heightened.  I see it as my special insurance that I wasn't the one misbehaving.

[Forward2free]

FWIW, my transcriptions of my recordings were inadmissible in court because I didn't use a transcription company and typed them myself. The police did listen to my recording alongwith the transcription, but had to take their own audio copy of my recording.

I wasn't charged and the recordings clearly saved my skin that day.

BPD/Nxh threatened me about taking recordings and using them, but at the end of the day, it was about me and my protection and he never did see through on those threats.

[thisyoungdad]

Just make sure you don't live in one of the 12 states that require both parties are aware of the recording, as I unfortunately do. So I can record all I want but it is useless except for self validation. I recorded a screaming fit my daughter had, because she was screaming things she only learned from her mom, and I happened to mention that to my attorney kind of casual and she got upset with me. As if my 3 year old, 2 at that time could consent. Then she insisted to know if I recorded anything else... .which on that device I didn't so I felt comfortable saying no. It is just frustrating though because like others she only shows her crazy side to me! Or at least it is so subtle elsewhere that people barely notice or think it is PMS or something stupid. So I hope you are lucky enough to live in one of the other 38 states.

[ForeverDad]

I happened to mention that to my attorney kind of casual and she got upset with me. As if my 3 year old, 2 at that time could consent. Then she insisted to know if I recorded anything else... .

I believe courts in general frown on recording the children.  Might that have been at least part of your lawyer's concern?

[thisyoungdad]

I was not planning to show it to anyone other than my best friend who happens to be a therapist as well to get her opinion or even see if she heard what I was hearing. It was never intended to be anything for the courts or anything like that. It was more than no one believed me about the fits I was dealing with. I wouldn't put my kid in the middle like that. But it was more her response in general. It could be now that I think about it that the ex has illegal recordings of me and she didn't want us to get into that kind of thing between the parties I don't know... .

[Sluggo]

On the Samsung Galaxy S4 there is a recorder already downloaded into the phone (or s card).  It can record up to 75 hours and does not record when there is silence. You can then transfer the recordings off the phone to your computer.  It is the 'Smart Voice Recorder' app.  Very easy to use and free.  I started using it when she my BPDw started kicking me out of bed due to snoring.  I claimed she just was waiting until I fell asleep and then would wake me up.  It turned out that was the case... .

I have been turning on before I get home and leave it on until the morning.  If there were any discussions worth keeping I do that.  I would assume you can get it on the google play market.