Confusion

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

BPD wife moved out 3 months ago with a police escort. 3 weeks later I asked about getting the car back. Same day she filed a Protection from Abuse order. No contact for two years and she lives at a "Confidential" address. No contact. No closure in the relationship/marriage. I was told to get a lawyer.

I knew she had a mental illness, because she told me on our first real date. She said she just didn't know which one. I loved her then, and I love her now. I said, "I will be here for you." I am seriously codependent. We've recycled this marriage before, many times. Two years is the ultimate silent treatment. She served me with divorce papers (after I tried but failed to serve her at her confidential address... control issues). My lawyer filed a counter-case. We have only been married for just over two years! I am totally lost in the FOG.

Or maybe she really isn't that into me anymore. Neither of us wanted to go through with a divorce. She took a lot of little things I said and did and said I didn't want her any more. It is like a pre-scripted, self-fulling prophecy. I saw the red flags, and ignored them. But if I could just talk to my wife again we could work it out. I don't want a divorce. I want my sweetheart back. But that doesn't look like it will ever happen.

On the other hand, the car registration runs out this month. I have been and will have to continue paying insurance on the car. I don't even know where it is parked at night. This is a nightmare. Is she doing this to me on purpose?

[oblivian2013]

BPD wife moved out 3 months ago with a police escort. 3 weeks later I asked about getting the car back. Same day she filed a Protection from Abuse order. No contact for two years and she lives at a "Confidential" address. No contact. No closure in the relationship/marriage. I was told to get a lawyer.

I knew she had a mental illness, because she told me on our first real date. She said she just didn't know which one. I loved her then, and I love her now. I said, "I will be here for you." I am seriously codependent. We've recycled this marriage before, many times. Two years is the ultimate silent treatment. She served me with divorce papers (after I tried but failed to serve her at her confidential address... control issues). My lawyer filed a counter-case. We have only been married for just over two years! I am totally lost in the FOG.

Or maybe she really isn't that into me anymore. Neither of us wanted to go through with a divorce. She took a lot of little things I said and did and said I didn't want her any more. It is like a pre-scripted, self-fulling prophecy. I saw the red flags, and ignored them. But if I could just talk to my wife again we could work it out. I don't want a divorce. I want my sweetheart back. But that doesn't look like it will ever happen.

On the other hand, the car registration runs out this month. I have been and will have to continue paying insurance on the car. I don't even know where it is parked at night. This is a nightmare. Is she doing this to me on purpose?

[ForeverDad]

There are several comments that could be made but I believe the most important response is regarding your perspective.  If there was realistic hope for the marriage, then yes it would be appropriate to pursue reconciliation and focus attention toward that goal.  But it's become clear that the relationship was dysfunctional, unhealthy and she has effectively ended it by disappearing/hiding and portraying herself as a target or victim for the last few months.  Maybe you can overcome posturing like that but the odds aren't in your favor.  Especially since she's involved legal tactics such as filing a PFA and divorce.  Frankly, judges will grant a divorce if just one spouse seeks a divorce.  Accept that.  Yes, it's a process to accept the end of a marriage.

So what to do?  Let Go.  Let go of your dashed hopes and dreams.  They've faded in the glaring light of reality.  Let Go.

Dealing with the feelings you have about your marriage = therapy

Fighting for a relationship with your kids = court

Ending the marriage without sabotaging yourself = court

Separate issues. Don't confuse them.

I agree 200%!

That quote was addressed to a parent.  Since you don't have children with her, I've replaced 'kids' with 'ending the marriage'.

[livednlearned]

BPD wife moved out 3 months ago with a police escort. 3 weeks later I asked about getting the car back. Same day she filed a Protection from Abuse order. No contact for two years and she lives at a "Confidential" address. No contact. No closure in the relationship/marriage. I was told to get a lawyer.

I knew she had a mental illness, because she told me on our first real date. She said she just didn't know which one. I loved her then, and I love her now. I said, "I will be here for you." I am seriously codependent. We've recycled this marriage before, many times. Two years is the ultimate silent treatment. She served me with divorce papers (after I tried but failed to serve her at her confidential address... control issues). My lawyer filed a counter-case. We have only been married for just over two years! I am totally lost in the FOG.

Or maybe she really isn't that into me anymore. Neither of us wanted to go through with a divorce. She took a lot of little things I said and did and said I didn't want her any more. It is like a pre-scripted, self-fulling prophecy. I saw the red flags, and ignored them. But if I could just talk to my wife again we could work it out. I don't want a divorce. I want my sweetheart back. But that doesn't look like it will ever happen.

On the other hand, the car registration runs out this month. I have been and will have to continue paying insurance on the car. I don't even know where it is parked at night. This is a nightmare. Is she doing this to me on purpose?

I was seriously codependent too. If there were medals for best codependents, I'm pretty sure I would earn them all.

You feel powerful when you're codependent. It isn't some wimpy, crappy dumb thing, it's super power stuff. You believe you can fix anyone and leap buildings in a single bound. Except you can't. So the universe starts to send messages. First it shows you red flags. Then it throws bricks at you. Then it drops a truck on your head. Then it blows your house down. Then the earth opens up and swallows you whole, and drops you into hell.

You're just getting hit in the head with bricks right now. If you want the whole experience, if you want to see where codependence can really take you, keep trying to repair your marriage. Become the father of her children.

Sorry to be such a debbie downer. I left N/BPDx 3 years ago, have nothing but debt after 10s of thousands in legal bills, and I'm back in court yet again on Thursday for more of the circus.

I am so tired. So deeply weary and exhausted by all this psychodrama.

It isn't love, oblivian2013. It's an illness.

[ForeverDad]

In the past she's been admitted to hospitals and rehab centers or whatever for extended periods.  It shows that she her her own issues that were preexisting and not caused by the relationship however functional or dysfunctional.  In order to defend yourself and put the past in perspective, you need to be sure that information is considered any time court is pondering aspects of your marriage, divorce, PFAs, etc.

Going forward, you need to behave yourself very carefully.  Can't lose your temper out of frustration or exasperation.  Likely she will not face repercussions for her actions, but you very well might for yours.  It's often been said, The person behaving poorly seldom faces consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.  Not fair, but that's life in a world where we have a judicial system and not a justice system.

You mentioned you both wanted to avoid a divorce.  (Well, she may have said it but she really wasn't consistent about that desire, typical for this sort of PD.)  Yet she did file, you did too but she got service first.  Accept that reality.  Ponder the situation and be honest with yourself.  Even if the unlikely happened and she came back and withdrew the divorce action and the marriage resumed, it would probably be just a matter of time before you would be right back in this impasse yet again.  Frankly, this is the reality:  Unless she (and it would be good for you too) got into meaningful therapy with a perceptive and experienced professional, applied the therapy in her thinking, behaviors and life, the the roller coaster of extreme ups and downs would resume.  And the next crash, if you did get back together and hadn't truly changed for the better long term, could put you in an even worse situation than you're in now.

The car registration runs out this month?  And she's kept the car?  So what.  Follow your lawyer's advice.  With a pending divorce you may or may not be required to keep the registration and insurance up to date.  I just don't know the legal aspects likely the judge will have to decide what should be done for the time being, regardless whatever the final outcome might be.  If it were me I'd be tempted to sit on my hands about registration & insurance until the court decides or the lawyers make a deal.  But learn this lesson well, very well:  Stop worrying about her more than your own safety and protection.  It could be - and probably would be - self-sabotaging.

I noticed that there was a problem the day before a major holiday this summer.  Impending holidays are often a group of events with increased tension and triggers for PD behaviors.  Other events are birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  Be aware of that.  For example, asking for the car back too was triggering.  Going forward - and also because of the PFA - make such requests through your lawyer.  Anything you say to her can be emotionally triggering.  Keep in mind that BPD is an "emotional dis-regulation" disorder.  In other words, her emotional sensitivity, distorted perceptions and inconsistent moods are like a chip on her shoulder, so to speak.  Your past emotional close relationship (as spouse) puts her on an extreme emotional edge of trigger behaviors.  Be aware.

While peer support is so very helpful, it would also be good to get counseling so you can keep seeking objectivity, seeing your situation as an outsider would see it.  For example, ask yourself what advice and observations you would give a good friend or relative if he were facing what you're facing.  That's what objectivity means.  An outsider can see things that are hard for you to discern and admit.

[livednlearned]

While peer support is so very helpful, it would also be good to get counseling so you can keep seeking objectivity, seeing your situation as an outsider would see it.  For example, ask yourself what advice and observations you would give a good friend or relative if he were facing what you're facing.  That's what objectivity means.  An outsider can see things that are hard for you to discern and admit.

That is great advice. Especially if you want the marriage to continue, and she has filed for divorce. But says she doesn't want a divorce. That's enough to drive you crazy! Time to bring in the professionals!

Be careful about being near her without a third-party witness or recording device. All she has to do is make a false allegation of domestic violence, and you just went from bricks hitting your head to hell in a few seconds. Even if the allegations are false, in many states, law enforcement will put you in jail. And then you hire a criminal lawyer so you can defend yourself. If you don't, that DV allegation can be on your record for life.

Most pwBPD seem to be about 5 or 6 years old emotionally. They are temperamental children inside big bodies, and they act impulsively, throw fits, and seem to have no sense of consequence. Once they start using the legal system, things become very ugly and very expensive very fast.

Bill Eddy wrote a book called Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse. Even if you don't have kids, it will give you a sense of what's to come.

[oblivian2013]

Thank you for your replies. I will take your advise.