why dont they ever learn?

[heronbird]

Hi

I just wonder if pwBPD ever learn. I mean, with me, I am" once bitten, twice shy" But dd seems opposite.

But this time she has so messed up big time. There is also a new life in this and its not fair  

Is there another deadbeat round the corner waiting for my dd to get together with, the answer is probably, yes.

Well, this time, Im not going to try to be the good parent, and try to think the best of him etc, I have had enough. I told her not to go out with her X, she didnt listen, and now, I am left with all the pain.

I understand BPD, but enough is enough, you tried it your way now pack it in and grow up.

Drugs, they just make you worse, hallucinations etc

Drink, make you vulnerable, men take advantage

Boyfriends/husbands hurt you

Cutting, never helps

Bad friends just make you the same,

I could go on

Choices, its all their choices, I get she is ill, but shes tried all her way, that just got her in a bigger mess and more depressed now why cant she try another way    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

PwBPD lack maturity, common sense and linear-sequential thinking processing.  Also any sense of time.  You know, heronbird, I was reading about the great Irish poet, William Yeats.  A woman, Lady Gregory, who recognized his brilliance and also his vulnerability provided him with a place to stay, reminded him to eat well and to exercise daily.  Sound familiar... .like an aristocratic  Residential Treatment Facility... .

Reality

[pessim-optimist]

Hi heronbird,

I know your painful situation, and I totally understand your frustration.   

I understand BPD, but enough is enough, you tried it your way now pack it in and grow up.

I take this as venting... .Am I right? Otherwise I'd just have to be honest and say - 'denial'  - if they do grow up, it is slowly and through a lot of therapy, or lots and lots of years doing the same thing over and over until they get tired and sloowly adjust.

Choices, its all their choices, I get she is ill, but shes tried all her way, that just got her in a bigger mess and more depressed now why cant she try another way    

That's the same logic of a healthy person applied to a life of an ill person, heronbird... .    I don't suppose you think she is enjoying her situation... .So, if she was able to do it differently, wouldn't she be doing it? My hope for your dd is that she gets to the end of herself and because of all the pain will seriously commit to working on herself in therapy... .

[heronbird]

I dont know, its all so hopeless, Ive never gone through such a hard time like now, and seeing her like this, its not like BPD and its all because of her stupid choices, and never listening to good advice.

She wont stop ringing me today, she wouldnt even answer any calls for the last two weeks, I sent her some nice posters today she received them and just said "I got the posters" Thats ok, I understand, she is ill.

Then I get a call from her tonight asking me to phone the hospital and get her off the section   She said she wants to go out for walks and she cant. I said I might try. I dont know what to say to her now. This is hard, she she was really nagging, she rang the home phone 4 times, and my mobile and sent me 3 texts.

Can I come to the hospital now, and get her off section, next of kin can do that shes been told, I told her I am not her next of kin. (remember she chose her next of kin and couldnt wait to change her sir name)

I told her I was busy and tonight I have friends over, thats true actually.

Ive  heard no more from her.

She can appeal her section, if it goes to court, she will probably win it, then where will she be       Remember she is homeless.

Ahhhhhhh well never mind, this is what it is eh

Anyone got any ideas how I should deal with the constant nagging and demanding, is it distraction, validation, she does rigid thinking when she is like that too, so she cant hear me.

[Being Mindful]

I dont know, its all so hopeless, Ive never gone through such a hard time like now, and seeing her like this, its not like BPD and its all because of her stupid choices, and never listening to good advice.

She wont stop ringing me today, she wouldnt even answer any calls for the last two weeks, I sent her some nice posters today she received them and just said "I got the posters" Thats ok, I understand, she is ill.

Then I get a call from her tonight asking me to phone the hospital and get her off the section   She said she wants to go out for walks and she cant. I said I might try. I dont know what to say to her now. This is hard, she she was really nagging, she rang the home phone 4 times, and my mobile and sent me 3 texts.

Can I come to the hospital now, and get her off section, next of kin can do that shes been told, I told her I am not her next of kin. (remember she chose her next of kin and couldnt wait to change her sir name)

I told her I was busy and tonight I have friends over, thats true actually.

Ive  heard no more from her.

She can appeal her section, if it goes to court, she will probably win it, then where will she be       Remember she is homeless.

Ahhhhhhh well never mind, this is what it is eh

Anyone got any ideas how I should deal with the constant nagging and demanding, is it distraction, validation, she does rigid thinking when she is like that too, so she cant hear me.

Hi Heron,

You could decide how many calls or texts you will accept each day from her. You don't have to answer every time. My d. use to do that all the time. For some reason I thought I had to answer every single call or text. Truth is, we don't. We have lives to live too, other kids, jobs, household duties, time for ourselves etc. I had a boundary with my d. and every time she over stepped it, I'd remind her, I can't talk to you now, but I'm available at xx:xx. Eventually she learned that she can't call me 10 times a day. This also forced her to deal with whatever the issue was at the moment she was calling me. It helped her to become more independent rather than always turning to me. Use this as an opportunity to turn things back to her, so that she feels the impact of being sectioned. Can you not rescue her and let her face her current reality? This might help to move her forward to accept her journey and turn towards the professional help she needs.

[heronbird]

Yes, being mindful, good idea.

She wont answer any texts I send her, same if I ring her. So naughty really, I know she is all over the place.

I actually didnt answer her calls, but now she is not able to speak to me, I have not heard anymore from her   I guess I was worried she would not talk to me if I didnt answer her calls, but truth is I didnt know how to say no without doing it directly and direct is no good for her right now.

[lbjnltx]

Yes, being mindful, good idea.

She wont answer any texts I send her, same if I ring her. So naughty really, I know she is all over the place.

I actually didnt answer her calls, but now she is not able to speak to me, I have not heard anymore from her   I guess I was worried she would not talk to me if I didnt answer her calls, but truth is I didnt know how to say no without doing it directly and direct is no good for her right now.

We are here to help you work through this difficult situation heronbird.  It can be confusing in the midst of the problem.  So very difficult when the fear gets in the way of helping ourselves and our children.    It seems that this is a boundary/limits issue for both of you.

When you are able to communicate with each other again could you discuss your need to have peace and take care of yourself while also being a source of support for her?

I know you can work well with her through the love you have.

[heronbird]

Yes, thank you thats true and so helpful. When you are going through tough times, its so easy to forget what you are supposed to do.

Generally speaking our boundaries are good. This is a new thing, I have never seen her like this, it was so scary. Its like she has been in a trance for a month. Its so different to what I have seen over the last 6 years. I can not predict where this is going to go this time, and I usually can.

One thing about my dd, she is very "acting in type" so she never asks me for anything, she cries and does not tell anyone. I always know when she has been crying a lot because she gets these little burst blood spot things under her eyes, I went to see her yesterday, it was the first time she smiled in a month. She did have those spots too.

[qcarolr]

Heronbird, can you write her letters instead of calling or visiting? Encouraging her to ask for what she needs from the carers at the hospital? Encourage her that she knows inside what she needs better than anyone? Maybe others here will have suggestions about ways to validate in a letter. Maybe this will be something that your D can look at and feel loved, even if she cannot yet reply.

qcr  

[jojospal]

I've been asking myself that same question this week. When, or if, she will ever learn? My dd 31 came home to detox yet again. She couldn't have chosen a worse week to do so. We had planned to have one of our horses put down and my H and I already had our emotions at the surface. Of course everything had to be about her. She even texted my H while we were dealing with the vet, complaining that the dog was whining so much it was driving her crazy, and could she let him outside.

On her second day here, a buddy of my H's, who he hasn't seen in over 40 years, was travelling through town with his wife and asked if he could pop in for a visit. They stayed for a couple of hours and we visited mostly outside in the garden. Every time I came inside to get something, her complaints got worse and worse until I finally said to her that I would take her to the hospital once the company left.

By the time they left, an hour later, she says that her "friend" is coming to pick her up and take her home. ( We don't want her friends, who are unknown to us, knowing where we live, so we drove her an hour out of town to meet him)

It is so sad. Less than a week later, she is begging to come back here, but she can't. She has to face criminal charges in court, in her hometown next week.

Dealing with drug addiction on top of the BPD is the hardest. I find feelings of shame  creeping back into my world as I realize that because of her lust for heroin, she is a thief and a criminal. To top it off, there is a narcotics officer who thinks he can make my dd an informant. That angers me too as it can truly put her life in danger.

I told her she is always welcome to come here but, it is tough when we have to balance her needs with our own safety.

[Dibdob59]

I don't think it's a case of 'why dont they learn' as i feel they do not realise what they are doing in the first place.  Being able to 'learn' and 'change' requires clarity of thinking and recognition of the events, actions and behaviours that are taking, or have taken, place.

I am still learning about this as BPD is a condition that I have only recently heard about. My UBPDS 29 has exhibited the usual range of bizarre, anti-social and damaging behaviours during adolescence and into adulthood.  I have always thought him to be a gentle, loving, sensitive child/boy/man but at times I have felt I was fooling myself or making excuses for him when in the middle of his 'acting out' behaviour.

I am learning to accept that my son has a mental illness with a poor outlook for improvement.  He has two children from two failed relationships and battles to do the right thing by them both.  They love him and stay with him regularly but his relationships with women are disastrous as he sabotages everything through his behaviour and also alienates his friends who cannot understand him.  He makes impulsive decisions when reacting to his emotions in the moment in an effort to soothe his pain and bolster his poor self esteem.

What I am trying to say is that BPDs do not knowingly, willingly or consciously behave the way they do as that implies planning and forethought.  Their behaviours are in the moment, often damaging to them and others and invariably followed by despair, guilt and shame.

Until their illness shows improvement (through treatment etc) and they see their behaviours from a different perpective they will not learn to change as they are unaware there is any need to do so.

I pray for the strength and compassion to support my UBPDS, my grandchildren and my non DD 33 as we are all inextricably linked in this complex dance of love, fear and hope.   I cannot bear to dream of his recovery as the disappointment from that never happening would be overwhelming.

Right now the best I can hope for is radical acceptance.

Dibdob

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

So true.

Accept what we cannot change.

Change what we can.

What can we change?

Self.

How will that help?

Some peace for us.

Creates opportunity for a better relationship with them=nonjudgmental=support=acceptance=less shame=better self image=better self regulation=change. (and many more possible routes, combinations, positives).

[qcarolr]

For my BPDDD27, I am beginning to accept that distress from her r/s, mostly the bf kind, are what trigger her worst cycles down. Then she adds her current self-medication street drug of choice along with the rx meds. Volatile combination leading to really really bad impulsive choices and actions.

Then I add in my own mixture of emotions and conflicts with the needs of my gd8 -- my tools and skills get blocked. I shift into full stress/overwhelm/fear mode. The impact is to trigger her even more, when my consicous intention is to help regulate her. My unconscious actions search out the safety and distance I need. She is left to cope with the results of her actions.

Now this is not necessarily a negative result, in the long run, if it leads her to figure out what she needs while in jail. Her charges are all related to relationship induced raging --- harassment and domestic violence -- or driving under the influence. If she steals or commits other petty crimes for money or for acceptance by her 'clan', she is smart enough about it to not be caught up in that net. Many of these 'friends' have been in jail for the theft/forgery kinds of crimes. She has told me she has an intuition about when it is time to walk away. She is very very smart in many ways.

Discerning what actions by DD are impulsive and which may be planned out is really hard for me. I do not have enough information to form opinions. This makes it really hard to decide how to respond.

So Radical Acceptance must also include this lack of knowledge about DD's motivations. She is who she is, does what she does, and I am truly powerless over the outcomes in her life. I can only work to love her and guard the outcomes in my own life as they relate to her being part of my life.  Whew! Does that make any sense to you all?

My hopes always include that DD will find a path toward treatment. That an 'angel mentor' will step into her life and she will allow this contact to encourage her. She has made a statement of some good goals. She does show good values when she is in those regulated moments in her life (ie. knows "good" from "bad" choices and somewhat how this may impact someone else's life - limited form of empathy).

For any of her learning, in the moment, to hold past that moment she needs to find the perseverance to endure therapy. The programs are there. Praying she has a place to stay when she gets released back into probation. More Radical Acceptance -- she cannot live in our home. She cannot even visit our home right now.

Sorry if this is taking the thread too far from topic. This is all so close to my heart - each of your stories shared.

qcr  

[Reality]

Coming from ol' Reality, may sound strange, but could we not all sing over some kind, decent friends for all these dear troubled souls, we all love so much.  

Just a few truly good guardian angels in the form of humans until everything settles down nicely.

One for heronbird's dd, one for qcaroir's, one for jojosal's dd, one for Dibdob59's ds and everyone else's darling... .

Seriously, just a handful of guardian angels for a year and then they can move on to protect and guide the next ones who come along... .

Reality

[jojospal]

Oh Reality, I do have that same hope everyday. It has happened before, that a kind and willing person sets their goals on making a positive difference in her life but, even though they may be a professional social worker, the BPD ends up being too difficult.

Sometimes I think that BPD has changed me too much. I do accept it. I change what I can, and I do have a better relationship with my dd because of the skills I have learned here. It still doesn't make her do the steps to improve herself, but it at least gives her a soft place to land whenever she wants to give it another try.

I told her on the phone that we went to the auction and bought a little filly. She replied that I care more about the horses than I do her. I said, " No, I don't see that as true. I care about my animals and I am responsible for them. Buttercup has lost her friend and it wouldn't be good for her mental health to be lonely all winter. I love and care for you way more but, you are an adult and I'm no longer responsible for you."

[qcarolr]

heronbird

Thinking about you. How are you feeling today?

qcr  

[heronbird]

Hi all, nothing gets better quickly at the moment, these are really dark days, maybe its been from the trauma of birth for my dd, I dont know, then all the other things on top

Dd did manage to talk to me today for about 10 mins this morning, I really wanted to have a proper chat with her for a while now, but she cant do it.

This was my opportunity, so I tried, but we were going round and round in circles, she was asking my opinion but really didnt want it

She is falling in love with a patient in her ward, he has been in there for 3 years, she says everyone in there is so much more intelligent than her husband and its so lovely to talk to people like this.

But she told me she would listen to me, if I said I didnt want her to go out with someone she said she would listen to me

She told me today, the more I disprove, the more she will want to do it (yawn yawn!)

she said, you know I am an impulsive spender, well Ive given all my money to this man to look after for me, so thats good isnt it because now, I cant order anything on line. Why didnt you give it to me?

I said she has known me all her life, yet him, well hes in there for a reason, and she hardly knows him.

Then she tells me a member of staff who is stupid, wrote in her report that they were kissing, its not true though, oh my gosh, this just reminds me of when she was 13 and it was same old thing, she trusts people too quickly sometimes, yet other times she does not.

She was telling me to believe her and not the staff, but I dont believe her, I mean why would I?

Shes so vulnerable and said she cant be alone, so shed rather go out with someone than not at all, even it he were horrible and wrong for her.

I cant tell the staff about the money because she will never trust me again. What should I do.

I had her baby for an hour the other day, its so sad, hes got to be a big bruiser already, the dad told me he is giving him 10 bottles a day or even more. He will over parent him, he had so many layers of clothes on and it was a warm day, so sad. He cried a lot too. Wasnt the same, but I knew it, so at least I was prepared for it.

[pessim-optimist]

I had her baby for an hour the other day, its so sad, ... .

He cried a lot too. Wasnt the same, but I knew it, so at least I was prepared for it.

It is so sad, heronbird... .Keep that connection going though, the little guy needs you to be there for him in the future... .

This was my opportunity, so I tried, but we were going round and round in circles, she was asking my opinion but really didnt want it

But she told me she would listen to me, if I said I didnt want her to go out with someone she said she would listen to me 

She told me today, the more I disprove, the more she will want to do it (yawn yawn!)

When she asks you an opinion and then doesn't want it it means she is asking you in order to get support for what she is thinking. Trying to take that away from her by 'reasonable discussion' is not likely to work in that situation... .Have you tried asking her questions in similar situations in the past, trying to help her to get into the wisemind?

I cant tell the staff about the money because she will never trust me again. What should I do.

I would consider her money gone in this instance. If her friend keeps it for her, good. If not, that's a natural consequence. Where does she get her money from?

[Reality]

Dear heronbird,

Your situation is very difficult to bear, very difficult.  :)ark days, indeed.  

How are you managing yourself?

Your daughter seems quite happy in the hospital.  The one very good thing is that she is safe.  

I am sorry that your gs is not receiving the best care.  

Thinking of you,

Reality

[qcarolr]

Heronbird - my heart is with you in this darkness. Keep doing those things that bring some joy in your life with the rest of your family.

My DD is in jail for at least another 4 weeks. This is her 'hospital' for now. I too struggle in trying to talk with her on the phone. She says she needs a friendly voice and I always bring in serious topics. Then she asks the questions that I can only think of serious answers for. It is so hard.

It is nice that in jail it is only women together. It creates such a different dynamic when men and women are mixed together when they are all in upside down states of being. My DD can hardly tolerate being alone. She is so vulnerable in many ways. And she believes often that she is not vulnerable at all.

I am glad you got a tiny bit of time with your gs, even though this too is painful. I agree with pesio -- he will need you as he grows up. I hope you can find ways to have fun when with him and learn to accept and let go of the other thoughts when he is with you. You can only do what you can do. Love him with all your heart.

You are daily in my thoughts and prayers, as is your DD and gs. And the daddy too - that he will find the guidance needed to parent this child and allow you more and more to be a grandma.

qcr  

[heronbird]

Pessim,

Haa funny question, she gets her money from the state, but they made a mistake and paid her at least £800 this month for rent, I have phoned them and told them she has not lived there for a month, but they paid her still, also she gets money each month from the state.

Im talking about £1000 or more.

I think it was her choice to give it to him, Im not getting involved.

i went to the hospital today, they invited me up to go to ward round, i met her consultant, he was ok, a bit of a know it all. Not sure what I think about him, guess he knows his stuff.

I cant speak to dd at moment, she wont speak to me, says it upsets her.

Thank you all for your replies, and I will try to keep seeing baby, so funny his dad dont trust me. He is or was a druggie and deadbeat and he does not trust me

This week he is letting me have the baby for a whole two hours, wow.

I have arranged to have baby while my dh is here so he can help me, I get so bored if he keeps crying, he never did that when I had him.

But yeah, I know I have to make an effort. Thanks for that dd

Thanks Reality, yes very dark days, and bad prognosis.

Qcarolr, thanks thats so sweet of you, means a lot to me.

Sorry, didnt realise your dd is in jail, thats so sad, what happened to make her go in there, yes I suppose its good only women are in there, good to think that way, are you scared for her being in there?

I have to dash off now

Thanks again all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Heronbird - hope today is going better for you.  

Thanks for asking about DD being in jail. She is very safe there, gets her psych meds daily, does not have access to the pot and other drugs I suspect she was using. Also cannot be around the toxic friends that could not support her probation requirments. She refused to not bring her friends to our house, this really triggered a lot of trauma memories for my gd8. WhThen exbf that filed the harassment charges showed up, and DD spent most of the night outside somewhere with him. I filed the complaint of violation of the non-contact order and she was arrested. She now has an opportunity to step into a new probation program from a cleaner place. All I can do is stay our of it and hope she can think more clearly and choose treatment.

All this is so hard for we moms.

qcr

[heronbird]

qcarolr, thats so hard isnt it,

Does your dd blame you for it then. I know our dd got arrested once and it was our fault, I was so worried she would never forgive us and be traumatised over it.

To be honest, my dd in hospital is similar to prison maybe. She is not allowed out, but she has a problem with not wanting to go out right now.

I was invited to ward round yesterday, that means you see her consultant when he is seeing her once a week. He was nice enough, but dd had been upset so she wasnt there. She wouldnt see me, says its too upsetting.

The doc kept saying that dd knows what she is doing she has capability to make decisions. Im not sure what I think of that, easy for him to say that but she is completely ruled by her emotions.

I am also finding out she has been on a lot more drugs than I thought. The doc said thats probably what has made her worse. He feels meds dont work for BPD, hes only giving them to her because she keeps asking and he hopes they might help.

Prognosis not good

[Reality]

heronbird,

Your family is in the midst of a traumatic situation.  It is important for you to practise radical self-care, in my opinion.  Find moments of quietness, slowing down, peace, if you can.  It doesn't matter what that might be... .maybe sit in a lovely church and feel the silence or walk in some lovely place for an hour... .go to a museum for an hour and look at the beauty... .calm for you is important, because there has been so much upheaval.  I think it is important to recognize the trauma many experience, so that steps are taken to alleviate the distress levels of everyone in the family.

The doctor sounds good to me, recognizing that your dd may not need the meds and also recognizing that all of the drugs contributed to her breakdown.  Your daughter may need some time to herself, just to calm down, to minimize the emotional imput, so she doesn't become overwhelmed.  I know I keep repeating this sentence; however, I am glad your daughter is in a safe place.

Can you explain why you think the prognosis isn't good?  Your daughter may recover with Tiny Little Changes.  You have so many skills yourself to help.

I wonder if you are heart-broken about your gs.  Would it help to talk to a therapist about your

feelings and situation?   Maybe not long-term, but just to sort out your feelings with someone.  Maybe a family therapist for you and your husband? 

I think families of pwBPD suffer severe trauma often. 

Sorry, to ramble on, just some thoughts.

Reality

[heronbird]

I think you are spot on,  Reality.

In the summer we went on a little break in the deep countryside, it was perfect and peaceful. But that was then and this is now, and I need it again haha.

I am thinking about going to see Valerie early next year and doing one of her long weekends, Im frightened of the long flight though.

Reality, I wonder how I feel about gs, at the moment I feel like Im not bothered, but then I feel, that cant be right can it. When I had him last week, I really didnt want him, I even phoned the dad to come earlier to get him.

I wonder, is that me just putting on a front, but Im not really like that, and who would I be putting on a front to?

I know part of me is a bit angry or sad because my dd has put me through this. I can cope with the three years of suicide attempts and the other problems caused by her BPD but this is different.

I have empathy for BPD, but when it comes to dragging me into this type of thing, lifestyle, do you know what I mean? I am not explaining it very well.

I told her not to  get pregnant, not to go out with him and not to marry him.

Am I protecting myself from the traumas coming in the future with gs and his dad. Im sure this gs will have mega problems when he is older, do I really want to be part of that. But then I think, yes course I do, I can have a massive effect on him.

Sorry to go on, this is the scenario in two years or so

The dad says gs has adhd, hearing problems and asthma for example. I have him for a week while dads away or something, by the end of the week all those symptoms have gone, gs goes back home, guess what? he has them all again.

Im sure that is the sort of thing, do you like my crystal balling haha so naughty of me.

My dds prognosis is bad because the doc says she wont do therapy, she may say she wants to but she is to immature to do it and stick to it.

He asked her about her future and she broke down, he said she is so immature.

So you think thats good that he knows meds wont work, I didnt know what I thought of him.

I dont know its a safe place, I was scared when I was waiting to see the doc in the ward, so many mental scary people there, there was a 7 foot 20 stone man there, I didnt like it, he was looking at me very strangely

So, I asked the doctor, what are the choices for my dd in the future, he said he knows people with PDs who stay in hospital all the time long term, or they come out and have care in the community, or go to a day centre for some sort of therapy.

I said I chose the therapy option, he said that she has been referred but she has to meet a certain criteria to be accepted.

I am not optimistic about that.

I am looking into art evening classes, trying hard to do stuff for me. I realise i need it.

Social services said its not about me, its about the baby, I said I dont agree, I need to look after me.

[qcarolr]

heronbird - you touch so many topics in that are in my heart and mind.

My greatest frustration right now is lack of information about what is happening. I need to trust what my D tells me on the phone from jail, yet also need to verify it from an outside source. You are doing this by meeting the pdoc on rounds. Keep going, keep asking questions, keep taking care of self.

Put a hook in the water to snag DD: when my adult kid needs help regulating so she can accept the therapy that can help her get regulated. The system keeps waiting to put her into the therapy until she is regulated enough to fully participate. Works as a never ending circle of being dysregulated. What are the criteria your D needs to meet to get transferred to therapy?

Finding the strength and courage to grieve the losses around your gs. Yes, I have been in the place that I wanted to run away from my gd. I am tired, just want to be a 'normal' grandma, fear the pain I feel now. So many fears of her growing up as copy of her mom. She does have ADHD, stomachaches, headaches, reactive behaviors... .  I stop and breathe and pray for courage and guidance. Mindfulness practice - stay in the moment. The future does not exist yet.

Then I can remember all the ways gd is not my D. How fun she is in her love of learning new things, seeing new things, playing in water. As I am able to be regulated, just be with her - ask her to sit with me instead of running away - it is awesome that she can become better regulated. All that neuroscience and love-based attachment parenting works. When I am taking care of self.  [For your gs, suggest reading any of Heather Forbes books on her Beyond Consequences parenting practices. My favorite is ":)aring to Love".]

Allow myself to accept that I have done my work parenting DD27. I need to find a path to being a friend to support her as she finds her way with the help of community resources. Core values - boundaries and validation. These are hard with her right now between us.

Can you find acceptance that your D did get pregnant, did get married, and is not able to be in her son's life for now? Remember, the future does not exist yet.

Can you take a break from contact with your DD for a couple of weeks? Not asking for visits, not making calls... .  You are a strong and loving woman. When you get rested and renewed, then you will be able to put the baby's needs where they belong. Allow your dh to be the grandpa for now. Or your other D to be an auntie. That works too.

You are often in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr