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[Newy]

Hi, not sure I know what I am doing. My daughter 23 was diagnosed with BPD about 2-3 years ago. I was going through a separation and was in a haze/fog/daze whatever you want to call it, myself and had no concept of what time of day it was.  I have only in the last 3 months really tried to 'embrace' the illness.  Needless to say my learning curve has been steep, and I never realised there was so much info out there.  Everything I read is like gold for me, everything I've learned and heard in support groups is like gold to me too, mainly because it's like 'hey this is my reality, this is and has been my everyday life'. I guess I just want to learn everything I can for now and work out how best to support myself, my family and my daughter. I just wanted to ask how do I work out what has caused BPD in my daughter? How do I approach understanding where it has come from? With my learning, I realised I was a non-BPD with a VERY BPD ex husband (my daughters father), and that my own father most likely had BPD - they both meet the criteria and yes it is very distinct behaviour. Hope to make some sense of where I am at. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluebell7]

Hello Newby-  I'm new here too!

I wanted to say that this has been like coming out of a fog for me, too.  My daughter is 20 and my Ex also has features of BPD that led to our divorce.  It has been a real struggle for us.  I also look for ways to learn more about the issues that effected my family.  I read, attend lectures and do my own research.  There are some parts I understand right away, and apply the info- other times it just doesn't seem to fit.  Sometimes I need to grow before I can put all the pieces together.  All part of the fog... .

I have also benefited from individual counseling at different times over the past 20 years.  When I get overwhelmed, I feel like I don't understand what's happening or what I should do.  When I start to think it's all my fault or there's no hope, I have to remind myself that it's not true.  Each time that happens, I seek... .until I learn something new.  Then thinking changes and I can incorporate what I learned and the fog lifts a bit. 

It seems that embracing or accepting the illness- is a long, difficult process, and different for everyone.  I can only learn one step at a time and that's ok.  I learn some things on my own, but many important things are learn from my children and with them.  That fog or awareness is like a veil that I can see through sometimes but not always and it's important to accept that this is part of the process.  I'm learning to see my way through it one step at a time.

A few years ago I didn't know how to do these things, but they are so important in dealing with family members suffering with mental illness... .Take care of yourself.  Notice when you need rest or relaxation and get some.  Find peace being who you are, and don't stop.  Hold on to the things that make you who you are.  Keep doing healthy things that you enjoy.

From reading the posts on this page, I don't think we all can know what causes BPD.  In my family- I can see our risk factors and sensitivities, where I was affected by my background and by the overwhelming stress the family was under.  There is definitely a combination of nature, nurture and heredity.  We live in a natural world and none of us are immune to the effects of these powerful forces.

From what I've seen, this website is a powerful force, too!  Sharing our experiences and supporting each other is so important!  So that my story... .I wish you peace as we both are on the journey to make sense of where we are!

Take Care,

bluebell7

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Newy and 

I can only imagine what I was like trying to deal with the daily-ness of your daughter's needs along with a separation.   Pretty intense i'd imagine!

And I understand what you're saying about the "steep learning curve"... .I know when my T (therapist) suggested I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger after i'd been telling her things that had been happening with my H (husband) that I couldn't understand, I was amazed to see how much of my life was in there! But I was surprised how much it helped me to know what was the motivation behind his actions, and be able to begin to relate differently and communicate differently without setting off every trigger he had.

By the way, Randi Kreger has a newer book out about BPD: Essential Family Guide that's even better, since it includes information she's learned between the last book and this. i'm reading it now and it's very well laid out and easy to read.

Honestly, I think there are various theories about what causes BPD (nature vs nurture and all that,) but even though I like learning all that background info too the best and most helpful things have been the insights to their way of thinking and then the tools we can learn to stop the circular arguments, how to have a conversation without triggering an onslaught of emotion, that sort of thing. Here's a great article on Family Guidelines to help a parent know where to start with boundaries etc.


This is a good discussion on your question of what's behind BPD, and Randi Kreger, the author of the books I mentioned above, weighs in on the conversation with some great stuff:

What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?

i'm so glad you've found the BPD family community! It's been a huge help for me in the search for solutions to the problems that come along with BPD loved ones. Welcome to the learning journey!

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi and  to you too, Bluebell7!

It sounds like you've definitely gained some wisdom on this road trip to "how to deal with BPD" Thanks for sharing your insights, those were great!