Introduction - Out Of The Blue

[anncgrl]

  I wrote a long introduction a couple of nights ago and accidentally deleted it while attempting to edit it. I decided this intro would be shorter, more to the point, if possible. I am 62 yrs. old and my son (undiagnosed BPD) is 38 and his fiancee (undiagnosed BPD) is 38. I have a grandson near where I live who I see often and he is seven. My son lives across the street from me. We love each other and yet living near him has proven increasingly difficult.

I am also married... .been married a number of times, recovering alcoholic/addict with 29 years sobriety at this point, am a Christian and an old hippie. I have a daughter in Va. who is 42 and I have three grandchildren and a son-in-law.

My husband has severe depression. Most recently had ect (electric shock therapy) to try to help but it did not help. Over the past 16 years there have been many hospitalizations, abuse of medications, etc. He is 66 yrs old and spends his time watching t.v. He has problems walking and he, in general, is in distress.

I care for my 85 year old mother although that is not a chore at this point. My mom is healthy and active. I just check in on her and spend quite a bit of time watching shows with her. My father is dead now for 3 years.

I have a sister and a brother. Our family (across the years) has a history of mental illnesses. Bi-polar, depression, paranoid schizophrenia, alcoholism, addiction, etc. My sister is chronically depressed and my brother is bi-polar controlled with lithium. I am on zoloft but have mild depression exacerbated by stress. The stress also shows up, in me, as frequent health problems. I have years of AA under my belt and have been seeing a therapist for the better part of 22 years. I have been blessed with an awesome therapist who just today helped me get some perspective on the behavior of my son and his fiancee.

For quite some time I have been puzzled by my son's moods and his seeming inability to come to terms with me. At the urging of my therapist I practiced tough love on him when he was around 15 and he has not lived home since although, had he asked, the opportunity existed. I have also been in Al-Anon for periods of time and have studied BPD via the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. Yet even with all this knowledge, years of practicing the 12 steps and a relationship with Christ, and a long term therapy environment I missed the glaring signs of my son's behaviors that meet the BPD criteria. I spent a great deal of time with him once he and his ex-wife separated. It has been a roller coaster that puzzled me, hurt my feelings, angered me and seemed to be doing the same thing to my son. I never knew who was getting in the car with me. Also, he is the ultimate victim and feels very little empathy for others yet at times is loving, sensitive and the best of the best. There is no way of predicting which son is showing up on any given day and he can change in a split second. He does not have a license due to long past dui's. He can get a license if he puts the device on his steering but he doesn't have a vehicle... .only a moped. He was thrown from a jeep around 14 years of age and suffered a head injury. I took him to doctors for about a year. I have made excuses for some of his behavior because of the head injury.

All of my denial came tumbling down on a recent Sunday afternoon.  This is my introduction. I am ready to help myself understand the BPD's in my life while protecting myself from the utter chaos that springs up from thin air. I want to learn what this site and the people on it can teach me and am willing to share what I know and learn. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Surnia]

Hi anncgrl

and a warm 

This is quite a story and there are a lot of mental health problems in your family, so I am really glad you found the courage to join us here. And that a first lost post wasn't hindering you to try again. 

I think protection yourself is something really important, we have to find ways to not be drawn fully in the chaos of sudden mood swings and other problems. 

How often do you see your son normally?

Please keep in touch, anncrgl, we can support you!

Surnia

[lbjnltx]

Hi again anncgrl,

So glad that you made it over to the Parents Board.  We are happy to have you here with us.

It sounds like your "cup overfloweth" with stressful relationships.  So very good to know that you are seeing a therapist (t) for your own well being.  It is easy to get lost in caring for dysfunctional family members and losing ourselves in the process.

What communication skills have you been doing research on to help improve these relationships?  Validation?

That is the basic one we learn initially.  Do you have any questions about Validation?  Did you look at the workshop yet?

Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

Here is another good resource:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict


Let us know what you think or if you have any questions about the resources.

In the meantime, just know that we are here to help you.

lbjnltx

[Thursday]

anncgrl,

Welcome! Glad you found us here.

Good to hear about your recovery and your association with AA and Al-anon. Good job there.

You have such a lot going on... .and I'm hoping there is some assistance for you in your community.

We are here for you!

Thursday