Will she ever grow up

[heronbird]

When will she ever mature? will she ever mature?

So tonight, I get a call from the hospital saying she has run off again, she did it about 4 weeks ago also.

Its been going on for 7 years now, and its starting to get a bit stupid really.

I really want to tell her she needs to grow up and stop acting like a child. This is going to look so bad to social services and her getting any closer to see her baby. Is the hospital going to get sick of her and kick her out with nowhere to live because she keeps running away.

It just seems so immature to me.

I have been texting her, she says she is at a friends house, but she hasnt got any friends who would put her up.

Two days ago she was telling me how she is going to have therapy this week and things were looking ok. Is she going to be able to have therapy if she is not being mature.

The social worker had told me that if dd does therapy that would really help her to see more of the baby.

The way dd is going she is going to loose the baby altogether.

She is a 19 year old mother, and she runs away from hospital.

Why doesnt she fight, why doesnt she seem to want to change and see her baby, how can I get her to realise she is not a victim she is doing all this stuff to herself.

Her prognosis is rubbish if she carries on like this. She just needs to pick herself up and get on with it.

Sure, she is ill, I know that, but she needs to say, enough now, pick herself up as much as she can instead of being a victim all the time. I cant do it for her.

Thank you, I really needed that

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Yes, heronbird... .they are their own worst enemy. I understand... .you want to grab their shoulders and shake saying... .GROW UP.

So frustrating... .we understand.

[Dibdob59]

Our BPD adult children don't really think the way we do. All the things you want your DD to say and do may well be outside her understanding or thought processes. 

Does she even understand what 'grow up' means?

Is she driven by her emotions to behave impulsively in the moment?

Is she afraid of the responsibility of having her baby?

Regarding being at a friend's house, does lying come easily to her as a defence strategy?

Would she even understand what you mean by her 'doing all this stuff to herself?

Our BPD's are never to blame, they are always the victim and it is always someone else's fault.

Her being ill is the reason she cannot see how to pick herself up and just get on with it. That is not a concept that her is disordered mind can recognise

Such a cruel condition.

May we all say a prayer for our loved ones and ourselves.

[mary93]

Heronbird I feel your pain and frustration and I also at times say to myself in my head "enough is enough already, get over it and smarten to heck up" but sadly the disorder does not work like that. My daughter is very very bright (has an iq way above average, actually there's a very fine line between genius and insanity they say?) and was in university and messed up due to this disorder and is now at her dads doing nothing but skyping and texting her gf all day all night. She had actually self diagnosed as she had done all the research before hand and was after diagnosed by 3 different hospitals (including the major mental health hospital here). They cannot just snap out of it and "pull up their pants" as we would like them to and we can't make them get therapy if they don't want to. Its a very very frustrating disorder and as much as you would like to think a baby would make her snap out of it, they do sometimes alienate themselves from the ones they love for all sorts of reasons... Hang in there and this is a great place to be. I have found support also on some groups on FB from actual BPD people so I can learn from them how they feel etc and I do find comfort in that, as it is not "done on purpose" it is out of their hands and I do like to hear what my daughter might be thinking/feeling etc and she wont tell me as she has cut me off. You are right in saying that you cannot do it for her and that is what hurts us the most as parents as we are supposed to be able to fix everything for our children, but now faced with this we are powerless.

[peaceplease]

Heronbird,

I am thinking that perhaps it is fear of responsibility for baby, too.  I can understand your frustration.  And, I believe being egocentric is  characteristic of BPD.   It is hard to put anyone else's needs before theirs.  I still see this in my 29 y.o. dd, mother of my 6 y.o. grandson.

It must be very difficult to see her ruining chances of visitation/custody of her baby.

[heronbird]

Yes thank you all for your wize replies. I feel so terrible today, we had a meeting yesterday with social services, I had to go really, so then I have to hear all about the baby and how wonderful her dh is doing with him (hes not)

So I just want to get away from it all and have my life, I dont want to talk to her X as if he is wonderful. I have to, I cant say anything to him because I will loose seeing my gs.

Dd basically picked him out of the gutter and was so kind to him when he was a looser, she got him a home and gave him a baby. She tried to dump him before the baby then when he said he was going to kill himself, she took him back.

He told me yesterday that he couldnt cope with her crying every evening when he would come home from work. How can you divorce someone for that reason  especially after about two months, only I understand 6 months.

He said he would keep asking her if he could get her anything. What did he think, if he got her an ice cream she would be ok?  

I just think having that meeting brought it all back to me.

The dad thinks that my dd does not love the baby, do you think this is true, I hear pwBPD can just fall out of love for no reason, do you think she could do this with her baby.

She has not seen baby for 5 weeks now and does not want to see him.

Anyway, for now, I feel like Ive lost her. I have not seen her for about 3 weeks now, she hardly rings me.

[raytamtay3]

Our BPD adult children don't really think the way we do. All the things you want your DD to say and do may well be outside her understanding or thought processes. 

Does she even understand what 'grow up' means?

Is she driven by her emotions to behave impulsively in the moment?

Is she afraid of the responsibility of having her baby?

Regarding being at a friend's house, does lying come easily to her as a defence strategy?

Would she even understand what you mean by her 'doing all this stuff to herself?

Our BPD's are never to blame, they are always the victim and it is always someone else's fault.

Her being ill is the reason she cannot see how to pick herself up and just get on with it. That is not a concept that her is disordered mind can recognise

Such a cruel condition.

May we all say a prayer for our loved ones and ourselves.

Amen. And so true.  :'(