She's At It Again - Nothing Changes

[bauers220]

Well nothing has changed with her... .after yesterday's contact and my standing my ground telling her "no" to friendship... .She has immediately run an ad looking for a new GF.  Why does this not surprise me?  The kicker is... .she had only wanted friendship with me prior to this because she was working on her "marriage" and being faithful to him only... .

It always seems for my benefit too.  The title of it saying she is looking for what she's never had... .the wording - which I didn't bother to read all of it before the eye rolling started - always a jab... .She HAD ALL that and then some... .

So is it to hurt me?  To say I was not the person she told me I was?  Anyway... .same old same old.  Same pattern... .

She use to carry a tough exterior to keep people out.  Now she has a religious exterior - but it is still armor to keep people out so she can say "oh I'm fine and dandy"... .I know her - that bs doesn't fly with me... .

Nothing ever changes... .and I am braced for the contact to be broken once again... .because she is doing what she has always done.

[Ironmanrises]

Well nothing has changed with her... .after yesterday's contact and my standing my ground telling her "no" to friendship... .She has immediately run an ad looking for a new GF.  Why does this not surprise me?  The kicker is... .she had only wanted friendship with me prior to this because she was working on her "marriage" and being faithful to him only... .

It always seems for my benefit too.  The title of it saying she is looking for what she's never had... .the wording - which I didn't bother to read all of it before the eye rolling started - always a jab... .She HAD ALL that and then some... .

So is it to hurt me?  To say I was not the person she told me I was?  Anyway... .same old same old.  Same pattern... .

She use to carry a tough exterior to keep people out.  Now she has a religious exterior - but it is still armor to keep people out so she can say "oh I'm fine and dandy"... .I know her - that bs doesn't fly with me... .

Nothing ever changes... .and I am braced for the contact to be broken once again... .because she is doing what she has always done.

In bold.

That is the appearance... .

The facade... .

To display... .

To future enablers... .

And to hurt you.

My exUBPDgf... .

Was putting an appearance... .

Too... .

At the end.

Of course... .

Everyone around her... .

Believed her.

I knew... .

The real truth... .

However.

[bauers220]

You can add unblocking me on FB to the list... .for what reason?  I said we should not be in contact at this time... .I thought she was just a friend... .ya know - helping me out and all... .why would she care about losing such a poor sad sap as me? (sarcasm here)

[Ironmanrises]

The unblocking on Facebook... .

Is her exerting control... .

Over you.

She blocked you... .

To exert control... .

To hurt you... .

Now her unblocking... .

Is to either/and or both to... .

Show you she has someone else... .

(To hurt you)... .

(Another form of control)

To stalk you.

(To control you)... .

Do not reply to her.

[Tricky]

Spot on, Ironmanfalls.

Manipulation, manipulation, manipulation. Did I mention manipulation?

NC means no contact, and no emotional bombs for you.

Be strong on the NC, it is worth it.

Best wishes

[GreenMango]

Bauers how did you find out about the ad?

[bauers220]

Bauers how did you find out about the ad?

I looked... .I know I know... .but I needed to see that she isn't changing... .it was more helpful than hurting... .

[GreenMango]

Well I know its pretty validating to know the same old BS is going on.

You gonna stop looking now?  Which way from here?

[HarmKrakow]

Well I know its pretty validating to know the same old BS is going on.

You gonna stop looking now?  Which way from here?

I like the straight forward banker approach which you are handling there .

I think it's more interesting to know, could you stop looking? How did you stop looking? What were your biggest drawbacks?

[Clearmind]

bauers220, we cannot change a person we can only change our reaction to it. This is not her fault or yours - you both engaged and you got hurt.

Borderlines don't intentionally manipulate - that is our perception because it feels better if they are the bad ones! Its validating. Our ex's are ill.

What can do you to protect yourself? What personal boundaries can you set?

[Tricky]

I apologise for banging on about NC, but I'm going to do it again!

I don't see NC as just being about not having direct contact or communication but as much about insulating myself from any information about my ex and avoiding her indirect manipulations too. She's out there doing ___ - nothing changes - but at least I don't know all the painful destructive details.  Ignorance isn't quite bliss but it's better than letting her  occupy my already overwhelmed mind any more than necessary. I trust (mostly) that friends will see thru her and realise one day that I am not remotely the person she portrays to them.

Be strong. Don't let her in. Don't kid yourself that any kind of contact is helpful to you.

Sorry if this sounds a bit evangelical or simplistic, I don't mean it to. I know everyone is different, I just feel you might be making things harder for yourself than they need be.

Best wishes, bauers220

[hopealways]

I apologise for banging on about NC, but I'm going to do it again!

I don't see NC as just being about not having direct contact or communication but as much about insulating myself from any information about my ex and avoiding her indirect manipulations too. She's out there doing ___ - nothing changes - but at least I don't know all the painful destructive details.  Ignorance isn't quite bliss but it's better than letting her  occupy my already overwhelmed mind any more than necessary. I trust (mostly) that friends will see thru her and realise one day that I am not remotely the person she portrays to them.

Be strong. Don't let her in. Don't kid yourself that any kind of contact is helpful to you.

Sorry if this sounds a bit evangelical or simplistic, I don't mean it to. I know everyone is different, I just feel you might be making things harder for yourself than they need be.

Best wishes, bauers220

I agree and do not understand how my friends on this forum can deal with the new information.  It must be so painful.  So do not put yourself through this pain. There is only one piece of information about your BPDex that can make you happy and that is if they fall on their knees in front of your house, say they have accepted their problem, have voluntarily entered into therapy, and that they realize you are all they ever wanted. And we know they are more likely to be able to fly to the moon on a paper airplane than saying any of those things.

Any other piece of information = more hurt and more pain. But the reality is that many BPD victims have masochistic tendencies because of the pain they experienced as children, so it is understandable that they would want to put themselves into more pain by searching for more information. Change the pattern, don't do it.