Will it do more harm than good?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been with my now 30yo uBPDgf for close to four years. After six months of heaven, followed by two and a half years of hell of living together (which would have been a lot easier if I had known that she most likely has BPD) during which she was suicidal and raging often. I pretty much broke down mentally, and we both knew something needed to change immediately. She agreed to see a doctor for depression finally, and started on an SSRI. Which instantly reduced the frequency of rages by at least 90%.

This is when I discovered I resented her a lot more then I had realized. I will not bore you all with the details of why. I was treating her poorly (not being emotionally supportive) due to the resentment, and to finally being able to get a word in after two and a half years. I apologized to her, and told her I knew it wasn't right, and I need time to get over the resentment. We/I decided it would be best to spend some time apart, so I could work on getting over my resentment and my anxiety which was at an all time high, and possibly it was because I was distancing myself for a break up.

She went to stay with her father who lives in another state, for a month, and two days after leaving I got a call from her father telling me she is in the hospital and that is all he knew. I called around until I finally found her, and learned it was a half-hearted suicide attempt from substance overdose and she was committed to a psych ward for three days. She got an appointment for outpatient treatment three months from when she got out. So she decided to stay with her dad for a while to go through treatment. Over the next two months, she was abusing the benzos she got scripted when released, drinking often, and using other drugs. Two more times I was unable to get a hold of her when she was definitely supposed to be calling me. We always kept in really close contact, and I always knew when something bad was happening. These three overdose events tested the limits of me mentally, as before these events happened, my anxiety was already at unbearable levels.

We both figured out she most likely had BPD around the time of the psych ward. And over the last few months I did a lot of research, and started to realize she wasn't just a mean person, but rather had a disorder.  Now close to the last three weeks we started talking all day on the phone. We really bonded again, it felt a lot like the first six months of heaven, but with more honesty on her part, and we discussed her BPD a lot during this time. She has cut out all drugs and alcohol and she absolutely realizes she has this disorder, and wants to get help. I bought her a DBT workbook during this time, which she has been reading some. She recognizes that her emotions can control her, and that she isn't logical during these times. I have seen her stop herself, and admit it's the BPD, apologize, and tell me she needed some time alone to distract herself. This really felt like huge progress for just starting. She also came clean about all the substances she used, her thoughts during this time, and also came clean about lies from her past she's been keeping from me for four years.

The point I am at now, is I realize I do not want to be with her if she doesn't get help. I am honestly not sure if I want to be with her if she is completely cured. I want to think I do, but I am dealing with a lot of resentment and am doubtful. I want to do what is best for her, as I love and care immensely about her. My question is, what is the best thing I can do for her? Should I just be honest and tell her how I feel? I don't think this is a good idea, as I know she hates uncertainty, and this could be bad for her at such a crucial point in her life. I know she wants to get better, but really lacks motivation, and I feel like I'm making the difference in motivation for her right now. I know pwBPD need to want to get better for themselves, but I feel like she does, and I just help her with motivation.

I feel like if I were to tell her we should just take a year off from each other while we work on ourselves, that she would understand, but I have a bad feeling she would become very self destructive. The ideas she was playing with in her head the few months after she moved in with her father were not healthy at all. Is it wrong of me to just stay 100% committed to her and her recovery and plan our future together, even though it is not entirely honest? I feel like it's her best chance at getting better, and something I want to do if it's the best thing for her. I figure, in time and after therapy maybe we will fully reconnect and she will be the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. And if not, she should be able to handle us not working out a lot better, right?

Please give me advice, I need help! And please keep her best interest in mind. I know I need to worry about myself, and I am beginning to do this. And with me now actually knowing about the BPD, I'm already a lot better off. Thank you so much for reading this.

[heresquestion]

I've been with my now 30yo uBPDgf for close to four years. After six months of heaven, followed by two and a half years of hell of living together (which would have been a lot easier if I had known that she most likely has BPD) during which she was suicidal and raging often. I pretty much broke down mentally, and we both knew something needed to change immediately. She agreed to see a doctor for depression finally, and started on an SSRI. Which instantly reduced the frequency of rages by at least 90%.

This is when I discovered I resented her a lot more then I had realized. I will not bore you all with the details of why. I was treating her poorly (not being emotionally supportive) due to the resentment, and to finally being able to get a word in after two and a half years. I apologized to her, and told her I knew it wasn't right, and I need time to get over the resentment. We/I decided it would be best to spend some time apart, so I could work on getting over my resentment and my anxiety which was at an all time high, and possibly it was because I was distancing myself for a break up.

She went to stay with her father who lives in another state, for a month, and two days after leaving I got a call from her father telling me she is in the hospital and that is all he knew. I called around until I finally found her, and learned it was a half-hearted suicide attempt from substance overdose and she was committed to a psych ward for three days. She got an appointment for outpatient treatment three months from when she got out. So she decided to stay with her dad for a while to go through treatment. Over the next two months, she was abusing the benzos she got scripted when released, drinking often, and using other drugs. Two more times I was unable to get a hold of her when she was definitely supposed to be calling me. We always kept in really close contact, and I always knew when something bad was happening. These three overdose events tested the limits of me mentally, as before these events happened, my anxiety was already at unbearable levels.

We both figured out she most likely had BPD around the time of the psych ward. And over the last few months I did a lot of research, and started to realize she wasn't just a mean person, but rather had a disorder.  Now close to the last three weeks we started talking all day on the phone. We really bonded again, it felt a lot like the first six months of heaven, but with more honesty on her part, and we discussed her BPD a lot during this time. She has cut out all drugs and alcohol and she absolutely realizes she has this disorder, and wants to get help. I bought her a DBT workbook during this time, which she has been reading some. She recognizes that her emotions can control her, and that she isn't logical during these times. I have seen her stop herself, and admit it's the BPD, apologize, and tell me she needed some time alone to distract herself. This really felt like huge progress for just starting. She also came clean about all the substances she used, her thoughts during this time, and also came clean about lies from her past she's been keeping from me for four years.

The point I am at now, is I realize I do not want to be with her if she doesn't get help. I am honestly not sure if I want to be with her if she is completely cured. I want to think I do, but I am dealing with a lot of resentment and am doubtful. I want to do what is best for her, as I love and care immensely about her. My question is, what is the best thing I can do for her? Should I just be honest and tell her how I feel? I don't think this is a good idea, as I know she hates uncertainty, and this could be bad for her at such a crucial point in her life. I know she wants to get better, but really lacks motivation, and I feel like I'm making the difference in motivation for her right now. I know pwBPD need to want to get better for themselves, but I feel like she does, and I just help her with motivation.

I feel like if I were to tell her we should just take a year off from each other while we work on ourselves, that she would understand, but I have a bad feeling she would become very self destructive. The ideas she was playing with in her head the few months after she moved in with her father were not healthy at all. Is it wrong of me to just stay 100% committed to her and her recovery and plan our future together, even though it is not entirely honest? I feel like it's her best chance at getting better, and something I want to do if it's the best thing for her. I figure, in time and after therapy maybe we will fully reconnect and she will be the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. And if not, she should be able to handle us not working out a lot better, right?

Please give me advice, I need help! And please keep her best interest in mind. I know I need to worry about myself, and I am beginning to do this. And with me now actually knowing about the BPD, I'm already a lot better off. Thank you so much for reading this.

[Surnia]

 

Hi heresquestion

Great you found us here and so sorry to hear about your difficult relationship.

Your question is not easy to answer. Its one of the questions having many members here on undecided.

You are quiet honest and clear about some points, this is a good thing.

The point I am at now, is I realize I do not want to be with her if she doesn't get help. I am honestly not sure if I want to be with her if she is completely cured.

Lets be realistic, in the best case it is often not about completely cured. Its more like learning to deal with. The healing of BPD is a long road and needs consequent and adequate therapy.

The other question: What are your plans about life? I guess, you are in your 30 too. Do you want a family with kids? I think in the end you have to do what it feels right for you. A separation is always a "bad moment".

I hope this is helping a bit as an answer... .