My husband doesn't understand a mother's the bond

[raytamtay3]

I can sit here and say that my DD14 is out of control. That she manipulates me and always seems to draw me in when things are going well and we aren't in crises mode. I can sit here and say that I feel I have no other choice but to send her to a group home since I cannot control her and she continuously defies the boundaries we've set for her. But truth be told, no matter what, I love my daughter. And I want and need to believe that she will get better. I cling on to every "good" moment we have in hopes that it won't just be a phase and that something finally clicked and she would be "normal".

My DD and I met with her caseworker last night and had a very good session.  My DD will almost always raise her voice when she doesn't agree with something, yet she remained calm last night and even was willing to compromise on some things. We both felt good after the session. After the session my DH called and I told him we had a great session. His response was that he wishes it didn't go well so they can see what we are up against. Now I know he is frusterated. We've been dealing with crises with DD for quite some time now. But I was offended. And I always get offended and it almost always blows up in my face in that DD would do something incredibly drastic and knock me back off my pedastal. And what happened last night? Just that.

After the session (7:30ish), my daughter and I put on one of our favorite shows (The Originals) and she said she was going to stay in for the night. Now small feat considering she is all about hanging with her friends and smoking pot. So I'm thinking, cool. Progress.  But nope.  Around 9:30 she received a text, jumped up excitedly and said she was going out for only 1/2 hour. I told her it was too late. But she does not listen to me. She went out anyway and did not return until 12:30 am.


My DH truly believes that DD is not going to get better and is just going to get worse.  He never had kids. He doesn't realize the bond that mother's (and fathers) have to their kids. He cannot understand that I just want peace. And that I want to believe that I don't have to resort to sending her away.  And that I don't want to constantly be in turmoil with DD and that when we have peaceful moments like we did up until she went out, I want to savor it.


I'm back to feeling put in the middle. Sometimes just want to   and raise my kids on my own because sometimes he just makes it worse.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

UPDATE: Just spoke to caseworker who is setting DH and I up with a therapist to help him and I work through dealing with a child with behavoural issues. I think this is going to do us really good.

He is painted black by DD right now, so he cannot be involved in our family therapy yet.

[griz]

ray:  I haven't been on the board for a while but read your post this morning I so much of what you said about raising your child alone hit home.  My DH is DD's Dad and he doesn't get it either. I hate to say this but I truly believe for the most part that woman are wired differently than men and that our maternal instinct is stronger than anything.  My DH has really taken very little interest in helping DD. I have learned to not share alot with my DH because sometimes he can dampen my spirits or make things worse.

In reference to last night.  I know it must have been very dissapointing to have her leave.  Could you say to her today, "I really was enjoying our time together last night and I felt sad when you left, maybe we could have more time like this and we could make it just you and I for the whole night".

Don't give up... .yes savor those moments. 

[six]

I agree that bio dads do not necessarily get it.  on the other hand, my dh can also provide a balancing viewpoint that I do not always want to hear. 

ray, it sounds like your dd is capable of change and progress but perhaps not consistently.  a rtc is not a punishment.  she might do really well there.  and it might provide you and dh the space you need to come up with a strategy.

IMHO, any guy who is dealing with BPD with a child that is not his bio child and who has not packed up and left you is a person who is worth trying to work things out with.  I would have loved to pack up and leave my whole family at times over the years, and I am their mom!

wishing you peace and strength.  she will improve.  14 is a tough age.

[Kate4queen]

I thought for years that my husband didn't get it and I tried so hard to keep my BPD son and my husband happy that I felt as though I was being torn in two. I didn't see how differently my son treated his father and how close he brought that man to leaving us because he felt so worthless.

But eventually, things changed and my son, the son I'd given everything to, turned on me because I refused to let him split my husband and I up and I got the full 100% of that hatred and vitriol in my face for a change. And then just to make that stick, he took every single thing that I thought was special and unique about our relationship and deliberately tore each one of them down until I felt like nothing and the pain? I can't even talk about it a year later.

I still love my son but that was a real eye opener and changed the dynamic of our relationship entirely. Loving him doesn't mean that I can allow him to destroy every other relationship I have because he wants all of me focused 100% on him. I can't save him if I'm drowning alongside him. I had to take a step back and view him as others saw him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone. I feel much better today. And I do realize how lucky I am that my DH is sticking by me. I don't think I'd be able to if things were reversed. I'm truly blessed and I have to remind myself no to try and sabatoge our relationship, which I feel at times I do, in an effort to give him and out and protect him.

I don't think there are many men out there who would stick around under these circumstances at all.