Ex says he's so sad when he can't see the kids

[momtara]

My ex sent me an email telling me how depressed he is, that he cries after he returns the kids to me.  He only has a little parenting time.  But he also does cruel things like (as some of you have seen here) canceled their doctors' appointments, or worse.

Right now he is in nice mode, and being vulnerable.  He said in an email how sad he is, how he barely can function when he goes so long without seeing the kids.

I want to write back and tell him that if he got the right help over a lot of time, things might be different.  Bla bla bla.  But I wonder what I can say that's comforting?  Or if there is no point?

To those of you (especially dads) who have such limited time, how can you deal with it?

[eeyore]

Dads that consistently show interest in the best well being of the child will get more time with their children.  (Unless the BPD has the children.)  In your case if your pwBPD consistently did what was in your child's best interest then you wouldn't have a problem with him seeing the children more.  In fact in some respects the break might feel good to you.  So he's trying to guilt you into getting what he wants. 

What can you say?  Don't reply quickly, wait a day or two to give him time to try to self soothe.  Then reply with, I received your e-mail.  I understand you feel sad when you go a long time without seeing the kids.  Validate you hear the message of his e-mail. 

After that say nothing more about it.   

Stick to your court order.  If he wants to make changes he will.  If he doesn't make changes then visitation doesn't change.  Boundaries mean follow the rules of engagement.  You aren't his mother and it's not your responsibility to take care of helping him.  Your responsibility is to put the best interest of your children first.  He's trying to break boundaries using guilt. 

[crystal]

This may sound cruel, but I have read some of your other threads. Your ex is manipulative. And this emial is about HIM not about what is right for the kids. You are not his mother or his spouse so you dont need to soothe or placate him. And you DONT need to be guilted into changing things.

If you DO try to make him feel better or validate him... then what?  Really?  most likely he will just feed into it with a volley of emails--first with more whining and then he will get mean.  And you will get pulled into a spiral of emails that will not do any good and will take your time and emotions!

Disengage. 

And yes, I speak from experience.  I learned the hard way. Maybe you need to as well.

[yawp419]

Hi Momtara... .haven't been on in awhile, my husband left town for a few weeks so things have been peaceful! - now he's back... .I can completely relate to what you're saying here, my husband just got back yesterday and we decided on a two-hour chunk of time for him to hang out with the kids. Then he tells me when I drop the kids off that he can only see them for an hour because he made an appointment for that time... .after not seeing them for 3 weeks! ... .then when I said we needed to do another shorter visit tomorrow he accused me of keeping him from the kids.

I feel like, at least with my husband, he uses the kids absolutely to get to me, to provoke arguments with me ... .he truly believes he misses and wants to see our kids - but when he does have time with them he gets bored/restless quickly and always drops them off earlier than planned or at least asks to. Is your husband like that at all? I too feel guilty when he expresses sadness at not being a full-time parent anymore... .but then I keep trying to remember, like the above comment here says, that if he behaved appropriately and consistently he WOULD have more time with the kids. I get frustrated because he tells people I'm "keeping his kids from him"... .but I know that anyone who knows me, knows I wouldn't do that out of spite.

I don't know if this helps, but I know from previous conversations that we are in very similar situations! Just keep reminding yourself that you have been open and fair and that, like the above comment says, his response is still more about HIM than about his kids. Hang in there... .

[momtara]

Yeah, my hubby used to accuse me of keeping the kids from him, withholding, etc.  He agreed to this parenting plan to begin with.  He doesn't seem bored when he has the kids, but he also has his parents to help him out.  I think if he took care of the kids himself he wouldn't see them as much.

Hang in there!  The trip must have made things peaceful for you.

I still do feel bad for him, because he is losing a lot.  But what the others said is true - it's his fault he doesn't see them much.

[Cmjo]

Hello Momtara, I always read your posts as also you have spotted we have similar situations! Yes I agree that your ex is very manipulative, and he knows you feel guilty, and no matter how many people tell you not to feel guilty its very hard. For a year I have had more abuse hurled at me that I have stolen the kids, have abandoned him to die alone, have discarded him like an unwanted dog, that I am only interested in using him as a baysitter to pick up the kids from school so I can further my career, that I am building a nice new life for myself, that all I ever wanted was a man to take me to restaurants and he wasnt rich enough to meet my needs... .

every word of this has left me crying, not sleeping and exhausted and depressed.

Go and read my pledge on the leaving board about moving on.

You have made an important life pledge for you and the children. I agree that there is only a limit to validating his manipulative feelings. You have probably said to him many times you want your kids to spend as much time as possible with their Dad, but then he avoids them and says its your fault he doesnt see them enough! That is so abusive and unfair on you. At least you have a parenting plan... .I havent even managed to get to that stage he just scuppers every attempt and tries to leave everything chaotic so I still cant get a grip on my life.

YOu cant be the mother and the father to the children. Be the best mum you can, take each situation as it comes, BPD ignores parenting plans and court orders, but focus on yourself and the kids and get outside support so you dont run yourself down.

Have a great day you deserve it!

[Free One]

This may sound cruel, but I have read some of your other threads. Your ex is manipulative. And this emial is about HIM not about what is right for the kids. You are not his mother or his spouse so you dont need to soothe or placate him. And you DONT need to be guilted into changing things.

If you DO try to make him feel better or validate him... then what?  Really?  most likely he will just feed into it with a volley of emails--first with more whining and then he will get mean.  And you will get pulled into a spiral of emails that will not do any good and will take your time and emotions!

Disengage. 

And yes, I speak from experience.  I learned the hard way. Maybe you need to as well.

Totally agree. Disengage. It's his attempt to manipulate you and get your attention. It's worked for him before, but don't let it work this time.

Your energy is now better spent raising your kids in a way that they will be able to see through the manipulation and not be sucked into it. Putting up your boundaries now will help with that, because someday your ex will pull all these tricks on your kids. Thank goodness you left now while they are young and have the majority of time with them. You are a good mom for doing that.

[momtara]

Drat, you're all too late.  I felt so bad that I gave him full custody.  Just kidding!  I appreciate all the common sense.  Have a great weekend... .

[crystal]

GASP!  LOL!

Sense of Humor is the best long term defense!  Anger helps short term but is exhausting.

Good for you! 

have a great weekend!

Crystal