Think I might need to leave. Compassion and love for her getting in the way.

[testing124]

Hello everyone.  First let me say that I'm very grateful to have found this forum.  I grew up with a BPD stepfather and am just now struggling with the realization that my girl friend is likely BPD as well.

We've been together 7 months.  I know this is NOTHING compared to others' relationships, but please read on.  We've developed a very deep relationship with each other very quickly and in many ways it feels like we've been together for years.  And, regardless of the relatively short amount of time together, I'm have a very difficult time with this.

I thought I'd finally found the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.  She's incredibly loving, sweet, accepting, nurturing, sexy, smart, and so on and so on.  From my reading around her it seems like most pwBPD present as "keepers" at the beginning.  We quickly fell in love and have even began making plans for the future with each other.  We plan on leaving state together in less than a year and have both vowed (me under some pressure) that we are each others' lasts.

She's been so wonderful to me.  So amazing.  Treats me like I'm the best person alive and backs it with her actions.  Cards, thoughtful gifts, very sweet words... .oh man.  She makes me feel wonderful.

Except when she doesn't.  Like when she breaks up with me on a weekly bases.  I've lost count, but it's up past 12 times in the past 7 months.  It will usually be one little thing that threatens her delicate self-image and makes her fear being abandoned.  She will yell, say horrible things, blame me for things I don't do, and yeah -- I guess you all know how that goes.  There's also the inability to communicate about things constructively.  I can't ever bring up issues to talk about without her being defensive and starting to switch.  And there's me being scared and a bit uncomfortable that I got sucked in so quickly -- that I made plans for commitment so soon in the relationship.

I recently told her I think she might have a personality disorder (didn't mention BPD specifically) and explained how it presents, and explained how her actions match the diagnosis.  She was actually willing to sit down and listen to me without blowing up.  Told her about how there are certain drugs that can help with the anger issues (lamictil) and she agreed to start taking it (her psychiatrist had actually prescribed it already for anger issues, but she hadn't started taking it)  Didn't say much afterward but disappeared for an hour then came back and went on with her night.

I should point out now that I while I'm not a psychologist, I feel pretty secure in my conclusion of her having BPD.  I don't want to have to back up my reasoning, but she's BPD to the T.

After doing more reading on this board and others, I'm coming to realize that things may not be fixable.  I'm realizing how difficult BPD is to treat.  How our relationship will likely always be a struggle.  And I think it might be time to leave.

But I'm having a horribly hard time bringing myself to actually do it.  Some reasons... .

-I really do love this girl.  Underneath the disorder she's an amazing person.  So sweet and loving and just a good person.

-We've made plans to move in together and she's VERY set on this.  It's like it's her dream and she talks about it all the time.  I've repeatedly (though a bit uncomfortably) assured her that we belong together and will spend the rest of our lives with each other.

-Before realizing she has BPD, I've told her over and over that I'm willing to work through this.  I've looked into her eyes and told her that no matter what, we would get through this together.  I've told her that being with her isn't too hard.  That we will prevail.

After all this, I know that breaking up with her will completely crush her.  I will be failed relationship #24 for her, and she's already convinced that she's flawed and unable to ever be in a good relationship.  She's 30 (I'm 25) and she's feeling like time is of the essence, as women do in their thirties.  She's expressed how unhappy with life she is sometimes, and that she often has suicidal thoughts.

I just simply can't do it.  I can't confirm that she's flawed.  I can't drive her further into depression and resent for her life.  I can't go back on the promises I made -- my dedication to stick with her.  I can't crush her.  If I do it I will crush her.  And the fact is I DO love her.  I can't do that to someone I love.

I'm so stuck here.  I feel so completely conflicted.  This is consuming me the past few days and I'm having a hard time acting normal around her.  I'm sure she will notice soon that something is up.  Please please please help.  I'm drowning.

[testing124]

Part of me wants to stay because, well, she really is a great girl.  When times are good I feel lucky to have found her.  I'm a bit unconventional and I think I can say with some truth that my chances of finding a "match" in life are less than the average person.  In many ways we're great together.  She's made me feel so accepted, so loved, so appreciated.  She meets my needs in so many way.  I fear that if I leave her, I'm leaving my only chance at ever meeting someone who can be there in the ways I need them to.  I fear that I will never be loved like this again.

Another part of me wants to stay because I've allowed myself to become close with her 7 year old son.  He's presumably had a revolving door of men in his life and I hate to be another one of them.

[purpleavocado]

I went back and forth about whether/when to leave for almost a year and a half before I actually did. Reason being, my ex had a lot of tragic stuff in her life. Lost a close family member, battled drug addiction, had some other various heavy crap going on in her life... .turns out that the more drama there was for her, the more i became her caretaker and the more I lost my own identity and caved to every whim she ever had.

I was not happy. She was happy that I was there to support her but not happy with the path we were on as partners. I literally could not bear to think about leaving her alone in the world, and it ended up that she broke up with me. To be honest it was the kindest thing she could have done for me, as I didn't have the heart to do it myself.

My point is... .life is short, and you really don't want to spend it being with someone who is volatile and unpredictable. What you are feeling is valid and it's okay. It's not fair to you OR her to stay in this situation when your heart isn't really in it anymore. She needs help and until she gets it and really commits to getting better and understands the damage she can cause, she is never going to have a healthy relationship. The longer it drags on, the harder it is to leave.

As a side note, I'm an almost-30 female and sometimes I feel that 'clock' you speak of. But the more I feel it the more I have to check myself because I know that too many people have 'settled' into the wrong relationships because they feel like they have some kind of time limit.

[purpleavocado]

Sorry, I sent before I meant to... .

One final thing to remember: obligation is not love.

[testing124]

Thank you so much for your words, anad.  The fact is that I'm not very happy.  It started off that I wasn't happy during the small time period through which a break up was happening -- but could be happy during the "good" periods.  Now, even during the good periods, I'm having a hard time.  Constantly waiting for the next blow-up to happen.  Feeling distant due to the hurtful things that have been said to me.

That's very mature of your partner to have left you like that.  I don't know if my SO could bring herself to break up with me for... .healthy reasons.

Honestly (and I'm not sure if this board is the best place for this), much of my distress is "normal" breakup stuff.  It's hard breaking up with someone you love.  It's hard knowing that things *might* work fine, but still taking the action to end things.  It's so sad remembering all the wonderful time you had together, feeling the connection we both have, feeling like we're part of each other, and still ending it.  It just seems so... .wrong, to drop a person from your life when you've shared so much.

Can you tell I haven't much relationship experience?  I know it isn't easy for anyone to face what I'm facing, but being that this is my second relationship, and being that I do love her, this is extremely difficult.

You're right about obligation not being love.  And there is that aspect present her.  But there is also the fact that I do love her.

Sorry this post is so rambling and disconnected.  It must be hard to piece together what I'm trying to say.  I guess it's reflective of how confused I'm feeling inside.  The truth is I don't know what I'm trying to say, or what I even feel.  I go back and forth on the matter about 20 times every day... .stay, leave, stay, leave.  God, I don't even know why people get involved in relationships when they almost inevitably have to end at some point and result in this torture...

[froggy]

Testing124

I was where you were 34 years ago. Not much dating experience (I was 16 when I met my husband) also had a BPD father.

Had my doubts about getting married 2 months before the wedding because I had seen the dark side.

Ignored all the alarm bells and gut feelings because I'd made promises... knew he was more damaged than I... didn't want to be ANOTHER person to hurt him

Walked into the trap knowing deep down in my gut that  it was a mistake.

Married almost 33 years... was ready to leave after second year... .stayed out of obligation. .(and no obligation is not love)... .not wanting to be the one to crush him... thing is... in 33 years... he's crushed me.

You can only give for so long without getting your needs met.

If you plan to stay. .make sure she is committed to treatment. ... if not be prepared to give till there is nothing left... till you have no sense of self... till your like me... codependent and an enabler just to keep them safe from themselves and the world.

listen to your gut

[testing124]

Froggy, thank you for sharing your experience. I do think my gut is telling me to go. Well, maybe.

My rational mind is telling me to go.

My heart is telling me to stay.

My gut... .feels like it's in freefall, and not in a good way. My gut tells me to go. But God she needs me. How can I drop her and still think of myself as as a good person? How can I cause her so much pain and not live with guilt for the rest of my life?

Out of the many internal struggles I am having, the one I just described is the most prominent.

[testing124]

She just broke out crying (feeling emotional from the lamictil) and said, bawling, that she doesn't want to be alive any more.  

This is too much. I feel like if I end up going through with this that I'll be a murderer. I'm so lost

[froggy]

So sorry... .we all know what your going though... .your on the roller coaster. ... the lows come so fast and sometimes out of nowhere.

Hang on and get help for you as well as her or get off at the next stop.

Cause the highs will make you think the lows never happened... .but they are always there around the next corner.

Your decision won't get easier with time... .believe me... .I've been on the roller coaster for a long time... .the lows don't get any easier. .and you can't seem to get off.

[Learning_curve74]

Testing124, sounds like you're in a tough place. Sounds like you are mired in the FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Fear (rational or irrational) that you might lose the key to your happiness. Obligation (real or not) to not give up and abandon her. Guilt that you are not happy with her and may hurt her and her son if you leave.

Here is one important thing to think about. If you both continue this relationship without any type of change, she will be reinforcing your behavior, and you will be reinforcing her behavior. Whatever crazy things you each do will only intensify because of this. It's like an employee who takes a dollar out of the cash register without punishment. Next time it'll be two dollars, then ten dollars, then a hundred dollars... .How much of yourself are you willing to give away?

[dotSlash]

I am in the same situation as you are. uBPD gf is my 3rd serious gf, and I am her 20-something'th bf. I'm 25 now, and we've been together for over a year. When she's in a normal state, she is sweet, kind, funny, and very sexually active. I went through a period of extreme doubt like you are now, about 7 months in. I fought it heavily, and pulled her back in. I learned techniques to deal with A pwBPD, and be happy with myself, but after a few months of just minor BPD-related fires (which I quickly put out), the downward spiral started happening again, and now the techniques and things I said, which once helped, are being used against me. I am once again in the exact same doubt as you are. I know what you're going through:

"I'm sorry I was so awful to you... do you still love me?"

"Of course"

"You don't want break up with me?"

"Of course not. I love you"

"I love you more than anything. Promise you'll never break up with me?"

"Yeah."

It started off only a small incident here and there, but over time as more of her dark side was shown to me, it was harder for her to come back each time. By month 5-7 she tried to break up with me any time she "messed up" (failed a task at work, burned dinner, fell asleep before we could watch a planned movie together, etc), which was basically multiple times a week. Random minor things that didn't go perfectly, like cooking, doing laundry, etc, would result in rage and extreme frustration. That has now started again. I thought I'd won, I'd learned how to keep her grounded, but I guess I was naive and didn't fully comprehend what I was dealing with. BPD is a metal illness, and without legitimate therapy, it will always return. It seems to me like it's triggered like post-traumatic stress that war-vets get.

I can certainly advise you of one thing: if YOU are not happy, then that is a problem. Because you deserve not to live a miserable life in an attempt to prevent someone else's life from being miserable too, especially if they have a disorder which, without treatment, almost guarantees it. If you are miserable when you don't want to be, and there is a way to fix this by leaving her, then leave. But I completely understand why you haven't left yet - I haven't either. It's very easy to think of someone so overly kind and sweet to you (as a pwBPD can be, and mine is) is the best you'll ever do. But honestly, I KNOW there are women out there who are just as kind, and who won't one minute tell you that you make them the happiest person in the world and you're the greatest guy ever (idealizing), then the next minute treat you like trash, make you feel like you're the problem, and project all their self hatred onto you. It is so easy to convince yourself that if you end this, you may never have something this good as this again, flaws aside. But those "flaws" I find, I often forget how bad they really are until the next occurrence. Some nights I've felt so absolutely awful after things that were done (both verbally and physically) to me, and wondered why on earth I am still there, and then when she apologizes and pulls me back in with such extreme intimacy, I quickly forget about them.

Another thought that crosses my mind sometimes is: if my BPD gf has said all these amazing ego-boosting things to me, is this just because she is idealizing me, seeing me as only white? Maybe I'm not as great as I am told. And that is probably true. But who really cares? A loving relationship is about two imperfect people making each other happy. Not one person seeing the other as perfect, making them blissfully happy, then seeing them as awful and making them feel terrible. I like the idea of a person that I love caring about me, thinking of me often, and doing genuinely kind things for me, and that's why I've stuck around thus far. I am very much on the verge of drawing the line as of late though. I am growing tired of the roller coaster and starting to feel like I want to get off and go home